Monday, May 02, 2005

I left work early today in anticipation of my doctor's appointment. I have had these appointments for a long time, since 2000 even, and they involve a heinous condition that afflicts my anus. I'm not even kidding you.

So, having been through a research study on this rare condition, and still having follow up visits and procedures every few months, the ole "telescope up the ass" is old hat for me. The ole "laser beams shot into the rectum" isn't that bad either. The new little assistant was baffled. She said, "Are you asleep?" I said, "No, I'm wiiiide awake. I have done this 7,000 times, it's just a little mind over matter trick now."

Though I appear comfortable, it is still pretty horendous and, as the n.p. who handles all my visits now said to my gown-clad ass when he entered the room, "Ready for a little torture?"

What struck me funny today though is that the main doctor--the World Famous, Big Authority on the Subject--who I have thought was rather cold sometimes and impatient with questions and concerns, made a special point to stick his head in to say hello. "I havn't seen you in ages!" he said. "How are you? You look great!"

It was sweet.

So I left and did a little bit of shopping in the area, and lo and behold I suddenly had to pop a squat, pinch a loaf, whatever you want to call it. The fact that I had just had a light surgery performed on my ass hole probably had something to do with the sudden, uncontrollable urge. So I took the subway a couple stops up headed to my university, but before I made it there I spotted a Starbucks.

There are few feelings less horrible than the feeling that you are going to shit in you pants. I thank the good Lord I made it to an acceptable place.

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