Saturday, June 25, 2005

...

I always wanted to be so close to the action. Like my whole life was supposed to be anticipation for The Next Big Thing That I Moved On To. There was High School Graduation, then there was going to College, then there was, Costa Rica, then there was moving to Texas & being in what I like to remember as "the Non-Military Service" , then there was the move to New York. Now I have a permanant job here, a good five years has passed, and I feel like there is no Next Big Thing anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Graduating from my master's program is going to be no big deal, quiet by my choice. Writing the thesis is going to be (is already) something I just want over with.

I used to have way more energy when I was younger, and I'm not even that old mind you, but I feel like I have gone into reserve supplies. It takes a lot of energy to live this life. I used to run myself to the bone in nightclubs and random people's homes. Now I run myself to the bone in a cubicle, in a library, in some of the seediest places on Earth, and just trying to get all the details of shit taken care of. I feel overwhelmed by less things than should be overwhelming. I feel like my health, for the first time in my life, is not very good. I feel like my mind is not as sharp, and that I can't focus on any particular goal at hand. I've been having this wierd not-being-able-to-breathe thing lately that scares me. My heart feels weak sometimes. I'm at a loss.

Sunday is the Gay Pride Parade, or as I like to to call it, "The Big Gay Spectacle." We have a joke among us that involves something that was said by the reciever of a prank telephone call. It doesn't make any sense without the story of the call, but the saying is, "Everything Changed After Pride." I am telling myself that I have till Sunday to feel sorry for myself, to continue to smoke cigarettes, to continue to run myself into the ground, to continue to pursue instant gratification and debauchery. Then, Everything Changes, and I start on the road to a new awareness of myself, and a new respect for my place in this creepy, shit-covered, illusory world.

We'll see if I make good on any of this.

2 comments:

Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

Don't worry about the slower pace of middle age--whatever middle age you are entering. It is generally the right pace for where you are, and you can do plenty with it.

Don't worry about not living for some future graduation. In fact, be glad for it. American's have this peculiar notion that anticipation is a happy, life afirming state. it isn't. It announces dissatisfaction with what is present. In fact, it guarantees suffering.

slowly drink in what is in front of you.

Stroll said...

Indeed. Just bitching and moaning as usual. :)