Monday, December 26, 2005

Butch Stroll With The Family

My little two year old cousin, after realizing that the attention had turned to the food and away from him, started acting up. So his dad grabbed him up on his lap and tried to interest him in mac-and-cheese and green beans. He was having none of it.

Me (to little cousin's mother): Doesn't Santa Claus come tonight?
Little Cousin's Mother: Yep, he's supposed to I reckon.
Little Cousin's Dad: But Santa only comes for good boys.
Little Cousin: I POOTED!

My grandmother-on-my-dads-side has, for a few years now, been spending Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family at my aunt's house. But as my uncle died earlier this year, this Christmas Eve we had the festivities at my cousin's new house, which is HUGE, and makes me wrongly feel like I need to start catching up with her. Anyway, Grandma did not attend because she was all stressed out about her Love Feast happening later that night at church. But on Christmas day, as is the tradition, my dad's side of the family had the feast at their house, and my mom's side aunt-whos-husband-recently-died joined us. We're all in the kitchen...

Mom's Side Aunt: Well, I'm going to head out, and get out of the way of ya'll's Christmas.
Dad's Side Aunt: You're not in the way, you're family!
Me: I like when the J's and the B's mingle together.
Grandma: WELL MAYBE IF YOU'D GET MARRIED THERE'D BE OCCASION FOR MORE OF THAT.
My Mom: AND MAYBE IF YOU HAD SOME LITTLE B'S, THERE'D BE OCCASION FOR MORE OF THAT.
Mom's Side Aunt: IT'S YOU BOYS THAT HAVE TO CARRY ON THE "B" NAME.
Me: [leaves room]

Later, my mom's side returned to our house for coffee and dessert, as there was soo much left over. We're all standing over the cakes and pies. For the second time since I got home, somebody mentions looking for me on Good Morning America (or whichever one it is with the people standing outside with signs so their families at home can see them).

My aunt: I look for you every morning on the Good Morning America.
Me: Well, usually not out there, you know, cause I'm, you know, at work in an entirely different part of town.
My brother: I wonder what Al Roker would do if I just ran up there and mooned America?
My uncle [seriously considering how this could play out]: Well it's a wonder that doesn't happen a lot more than it does.

When I got back to New York, I came in to the house, I saw that the boyfriend of my roommate who is also my roommate, had left the kitchen--which was pristine when we left--in totally disarray and that he had fed the cat directly from the can rather than scooping it into the bowl. You don't feed the cat from the can, she'll cut her tounge! For some reason I feel like Hedwig when I say this: "You don't put a bra in a dryer! IT WARPS!"

Hope everyone had a Happy Holidaze! I had a surprisingly good time with my family, and after all is said and done, I am lucky to have the whole lot of them.

4 comments:

S.D. Hollaback said...

Being on an extended stay in the Motherland I can wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of this post. I wish I had a tape recorder for some of the shit talking that I have heard down here! Trust me, Art will be imitating Life very soon! Glad you made it back in one piece, and save your Sunday Best cause we is going to the Red Lobster when I get back!

bitchphd said...

Really, why *aren't* you getting married and having kids and perpetuating the family name? There's no excuse, you know.

anne arkham said...

I'm all for the mooning. Sounds like a damn good idea to me.

snow said...

Well it's a wonder that doesn't happen a lot more than it does.

I have wondered the exact same thing.