Thursday, January 05, 2006

Don't Hate The Doll!

Don't Hate the Doll

The Guardian recently ran an article entitled Barbie in the microwave about the supposed craze of girls torturing their Barbie dolls. I have to say, I agree with the author of the article entirely--it's not indicative of some social revolution among little girls rejecting "idealized" femininity.

When I was a little boy, my best friend (let's call him Cody) and I were constantly involved in elaborate stories with enacted with toys playing the parts. Of course these were all tragic tales, culminating in the death or deaths of innocent characters. His sister had this doll with a tiny little body and a giant head who we named Mrs. Killer. She was usually the star of these plotlines. His sister also had millions of Barbies, with which I was obsessed because I would never have been allowed one. (I once tried to get away with asking for he Jem & the Holograms dolls--they're not Barbie dolls after all, they are concievably "action figures"--but no dice.)

One day, Mrs. Killer decided put two barbies up to luring Barbie herself out into the woods.

"Where are we going, Mrs. Killer?"

"Just on a little walk to discuss your performance at the office, Barbie," Mrs. Killer replied. Before she knew what happened, the other two barbies cracked her over the back of the head with a twig, causing her to fall, unconcious, into a shoe box. Mrs. Killer proceeded to douse her with lighter fluid and before there was any trace of a crime having been committed, Barbie was melted into a charred puddle of molten plastic. There were so many like her, no one ever missed her. To this day, her disappearance remains an unsolved mystery...until now.

Further, all of my G.I. Joe's--and I had hundreds--were maimed in a horrible napalm attack on their plastic fortress. This saddens me, cause those things are worth a fucking fortune now.

And I turned out normal, right? See, nothing to worry about with the kids torturing toys.

In an unrelated story, my brother and I once set fire--like, wildfire--to the field behind our house.


anne arkham said...

Gonna have to hear the wildfire story.

My Barbie adventures were much more sexual than violent. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Stroll said...

Oh, Barbie was definatly having a lot of sex in my time, too. Usually there was only one Ken around, so sometime He-Man and his gang had to come in to spice things up.

anne arkham said...

Did you have GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip?

Stroll said...

I don't know about Kung Fu grip -- these were the 3 1/4 inch "action figures" with perma-mitten hands -- one solid, curved piece for the fingers and then the thumb. You could stick a gun-handle in there. They also had big holes in their backs for backpacks to stick in and the like. And holes in the bottoms of their feet, so you could stand them up in the forts and what not. :|

Anyway, G.I. never got down with Barbie because Barbie was waaay too giant for them (though her giant ass did often attack ala King Kong). There were *women* G.I. Joes, too, so the Joe's had enough Janes to get down. Also of course they all flirted with homosexuality, women and men, and giant Barbies, alike. ;)

anne arkham said...

There were levers in GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip's back that, when you moved them, they enabled him to open and close his hand around things. Must been a 70's thing.

I think my Barbie got it on with Ken once, but for the most part, his total lack of genitalia drove her to lesbianism.