Monday, December 31, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I'm over at Tommy D and Kirstanthemum's for a little New Year celebration. A bitch is tore down and fucked up! While they are in dispose I've hijacked the computer just to put some mushy, lovey-dovey words to all the readers of The Butch Stroll (all six of you). And to those of you who are my friends "in real life", just know that there are but a few of you and that only means that you are the cream of the crop, people I think are AWESOME and in tune, and who I couldn't live without.

Happy New Year! Thank you for coming here to read my nonsense and thank you for the kind words throughout this year and the past years I've been doing this drivel. In 2008 there is going to be a whole new Butch Stroll, and a whole new, renewed, reborn me. I'm seriously going to take it to another level in '08 with "big thangs poppin" as the kids say. Lots of projects and promotions are on the table for me, and I'm going to take the bull by the horns with Operation Fabulous 2008 on the front burner. I might even post pictures of myself because I am the painful combination of hyper-vain, mad-ugly, and strangley-interesting to look at, and I'm hoping The One will stumble through and be confused enough to think I'm cute.

On a final and serious note, I love those of you who pay me visits and leave me comments and have even a modicum of interest in what I have to say. Happy New Year -- may it be your best yet.

Love,
Stroll

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Love is a Battlefield.

Shouted down by the highway right outside
Closed doors with a chain lock and a dead bolt,
Tired, so tired from driving,
The magic gun fires and everything is lost,
Spilled out like a bag of marbles.
This time of year everyone expects
Miracles, laughter, and joy, wrapping paper
Covering boxes full of toys
And no one’s the wiser about sharp objects.
Those last few hours were marked, on my new watch,
By arms outstretched hugging the world,
WhenI heard train whistles and car horns
And that was that.
A new year is coming with confetti
And disco balls dropping from on high.
This is a time to start over, to write
Promises in chalk on sidewalks
And shove those angels back in their caves,
But they’re already running,
The moherfuckers are so far gone and you know this.

They couldn't give a damn.

You sound like an artist.

I just did my little "workshop" at the camp, and promptly hauled ass back to my hotel. Today I had the middle school aged kids, who were pretty good actually. I had to ask one of them who was like 12 years old to help me set up the projector. I played this game with them and tried to tie it into the subject matter, but damn were they ever competetive. Tomorrow I have the high school kids who will likely be a much tougher crowd, so I'm trying to think up something different to do with them.

The one kid that helped me with the projector -- until one of the staff people informed me that "the kids are not supposed to touch the equipment" was a riot. He quite clearly had attention deficit disorder, but I'm glad he was there because he kind of livened up my sometimes dry subject matter. He was funny and, surprisingly, interested in the material. Once the game was over he kind of saved me as I resorted to PowerPoint.

Anyway the moment I always expect when working with groups of people, young or old, is the moment of being "clocked" -- being called out for being a big ole queen up in Emmitsburg. This queeny voice has haunted me since I was able to say my first word. Sure enough the little dude comes up beside me and says to me, in complete seriousness, "You sound like an artist."

I laughed and caught my breath. That's a new, gentle way to put it.

Benazir Bhutto

I woke up in my hotel room to the news that former Pakistan PM and current opposition leader Benazir Bhutto was killed this morning. This follows open vows by various groups to assassinate her, and many attempts to do just that.

Hamid Mir is on the phone with CNN saying that no one in Pakistan is thinking about Al Queda -- but rather a letter from Bhutto to Musharraf in which she stated that someone in his government wants to kill her. (They did have her under house arrest for a while.) The accusations are towards Musharraf's regime.

This is really a sad event for the world and a great danger for nuclear armed Pakistan. Bhutto was an increasingly rare sane voice from that part of the world, and a woman who was brave right up to her death.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Dear Emmitsburg, MD

I realize that people really just come here to stay between skiing, but can we punch things up a bit around here? I mean damn. The "Jubilee" grocery store is IT.

Dear Mr. Lee in Room 210

I'm sorry I just left you a message on your phone at 11:00 PM. I know you are probably sleeping and have no idea who I am. I'm here for the conference thingy, and I have no idea where I'm suppoed to go tomorrow morning, and I'm terrified of giving my little presentation for TWO HOURS when it will really only take me TEN MINUES. So I have a game devised to play with the first of two sets of SEVENTY sixth through twelvth graders who will be sitting in on this little workshop and probably shooting spitballs at me and calling me fag. I know none of this really concerns you anyway, because YOU ARE THE WRONG PERSON. It was meant for Mr. KONG who is not even HERE YET. I'm sorry I just went with the first Asian sounding last name I heard. Hey, btw, my middle name is Lee, isn't that cool?

Dear EZ Pass Users on 495 towards the Queens Midtown Tunnel

I'm sorry that I had to be the jackass holding up the toll booth for a good ten minutes in rush hour traffic. The rental car company put EZ Pass in the car, so I just assumed it would work. I'm also sorry to the very angry police officer who was manning the situation. Thanks for letting me through. And just stick that five bucks for the toll in your pocket because I'M SURE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID.

Love Comes Quickly, Whatever You do...



Well I hope everyone had a merry Christmas and Happy Holidaze. So far as Christmas at home goes, for me it was what is to be expected. A lot of food, a lot of chatter, a maelstrom of denial and repression. I can count on my grandmother to fill me in on the dish I’m not getting from my parents, as that woman keeps her ear to the ground, I tell ya. That might be where I get it from.

My little 4 year old cousin G is buck wild and I liked to have fell on the floor laughing when his grandmother told him at one point: “Santa and Jesus BOTH are listening to you today!”

Enough about the homestead, though. In the off hours I met my little internet friend and I am so in love with him. So sweet and pretty. I would give it all up for him. I met another little friend of mine too, and I did give it all up for him. I am fucking in love with him, for real. But I don’t want to come off crazy so of course I’m keeping that to myself. At any rate I expect coldness and shade as is the story of my life upon finding one I want to keep, even if he is a thousand miles away. I ain’t gonna be in the Big, Rotten Apple forever, so I’ve got my eyes open globally. But sadly I think this one might be done with me, with limited response to messages and what-not. He also happens to be deaf, and he can’t speak a whole lot either -- the perfect man. But que sera sera. Another flash in the pan.

Walk It Out: Fosse!



From the comments: "the dance that those bitches do was fuckin' meant for this song... and this song only."

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Ode to Jamie Lynn Spears

Judi Dench:

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

GODDAMMIT JAMIE LYNN!



You know that's what Mama Spears said when she found out that sixteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's little sis, is pregnant. Parents of tween girls recoil in horror. I wonder what this will mean for her lucrative Nickelodean career. The Zoey in Zoey 101 can't be a teen mom, can she? Well, we still have Hannah Montana aka Miley Cyrus, who I hope is well informed about her birth control options. Jeesh. Those Spears girls can't stop pushing out babies that will forever attach them to some man who's gonna take a shitload of their money. Seriously I need to go on Nickelodean to announce to these girls of today that you have to wrap it before you tap it!

I'll always love Britney, I'll admit, even when she's drunk and stumbling around with fat rolls hanging out. Especially when she's drunk and stumbling around with fat rolls hanging out! Blackout is kind of good, and I love "Piece of Me", which is, like, her response to all her bad media and stuff. Now Jamie Lynn's gonna have to write one.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Text Message Exchange

Both touched my heart and made me laugh:


Sent to K: "I need a miracle. Like the oil on Hanukka."

Reply from K: "Girl, u r the miracle."

Monday, December 10, 2007

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Wicked is -- and this might strike you as extreme -- one of the best books I've ever read. There is a part towards the end when Dorothy arrives via tornado, and the Wicked Witch of the West -- our hero -- comes to learn that Dorothy has been instructed to seek her out and kill her. A little boy who has been tagging along with the Witch is in discussion with her about this Dorothy, who is so innocent and pure and mysterious that everyone loves the little bitch, despite her irritating yappy dog. The Witch doesn't know if she should pity her or fear her, she just wants the shoes she has, which are rightfully hers, thank you. The boy mentions that she and her motley crew -- tin man, scarecrow and cowardly lion -- are all going to the nefarious Wizard in hopes of having their wishes granted. Dorothy's wish is simply to be sent home. The Witch asks the boy, "What would you wish for if the Wizard could and would grant it?" to which the boy replies "A father." Awww.

He asks her the same question.

"Some peace and quiet," she says.

I relate to that green Witch in profound ways.

And on that note I'm going out into The Loud at 11:00 PM on a Monday night. Holla.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Other Duties as Assigned

I think that every job description in the history of mankind has included "other duties as assigned," which basically means that no matter what they've hired you for, if they ask you to do some bullshit you still have to do it. It's a seemingly innocent little addition that means you've signed your life away to an employer.

The other day I had my performance evaluation. It went well, I guess, as I am told I "meet expectations in all areas, and exceed them in some." Woot. During this exercise in futility, where we went over my review forms line by line, my boss says to me, "and thank you for doing all those administrative tasks without ever saying 'that's not in my job description!'" because we are without an administrative assistant, so I basically do that full time job too, though she want's to hire someone for it "on a part time basis." But what gets my goat is, rather than just leave at that and make me feel good about my obedience and servitude, she has to throw in, "of course those things are covered under 'other duties as assigned.'" So why even thank me for doing them? I mean you know if you tell me to go shovel piles of dog shit behind the building, you know I'm gonna do it.

Today was The World Church of Assimilation Holiday Extravaganza and Staff Appreciation Event, for which I was on the planning committee. It went off without a hitch, but the whole time I couldn't help but think if this is a staff appreciation event, then what about the six of us who are planning it? I appreciate myself, indeed. During the set up there was a need for a table and couch from another floor, which I got singlehandedly because I am awesome and all powerful, but managed to crush my foot under the huge glass tabletop.

Lately I feel increasingly like I work at the wrong place. I like my job. I like the little perks, and there are a few. But if I have to sit in a holiday party that I planned and listen to a gospel choir and endless prayers -- one to open, one before the food, one to close -- I'm really going to lose it. Religion haunts me and I can't figure out for the life of me how I've ended up working for one in a career capacity for longer than any other job I've ever had. Maybe God is trying to tell me something, but I doubt it, and I doubt my doubts.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

2 Girls, One Cup Song

If you do not know about "Two Girls, One Cup," do not try to find out about it. Seriously: do not try to find out. You will be sorry. For the rest of your life. For the love of God, don't view it. I can't express this strongly enough. You've been warned. Just don't go there.

But if you have discovered "Two Girls, One Cup", you might find this funny:

I'm bitter, honey

with apologies to whats-his-name

December is the cruelest month,
With its violent lists and mandatory participation.
It is pretty enough,
Snow white, blonde and hateful.
It doesn’t hear a word you say
And it sees through your picket signs.
It shrivels your dick up with a long breathe
And stuffs its turkey with your heart and hard work.
It dresses up like Santa and kills your family
Over milk and cookies. It takes your last dime
To shoot your children up on heroin
the color of piss on snow.
December comes once a year
With a grudge and a bag of bloody tricks
To manipulate you with its proof
That everyone loves red, green, knit hats
and a good snow in December.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Something to think about in the age of "Internet Hookups"

The internet has largely replaced places like bathhouses and cruise spots -- though not entirely -- for finding quick gay sex. Everyone who uses the interent for this purpose knows the dangers and has heard of real-life scenarios like this one: Another Adam4Adam murder. You can click through for the video of the news segment. Very sad.

To tell your children that Santa is real

is to tell them a lie. I'm sorry, I know people get all bent out of shape over this. I'm not saying you're a bad person. Or a bad parent. It's still a lie though.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Friday, November 30, 2007

Highway to Heaven

This is a RIOT:



"Abortion clinics, gay bars, strip joints, and porn shops" -- or what I like to call, "a good time"!

Don't miss the queen at 2:22 who got "filled" with the spirit and compares it to "tripping on acid". Woah!

Does Cindy Jacobs look crazy or what? By the way, I am so calling myself a "prophetic intercessor" from here on out.


[via JoeMyGod]

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I am moving to Europe.

Okay not really, but I am ready to! My trip to Europe was a blast, a highlight of my little career here, and -- it sounds extreme -- a highlight of my life so far. When I got to Prague I immediately knew that I was misborn. I am totally meant to be living the rest of my life in a fallen communist nation that has modernized and entered the 21st Century. Although I am not so crazy about the subarctic temperatures of late November. Come to think of it I'm not crazy about that in New York either.

All that said though I was ready to kiss the ground upon my return to America. I have never been so happy to see JFK Airport. The first thing I did was change my money back to dollars and buy a cup of coffee -- which is surprisingly hard to find in the land of "espresso" and "latte". I just wanted some damn FOLGERS, what?!

Also, 9 hours on an airplane without a cigarette and Mr. Fatelbows beside me was unpleasant to say the least. Then they start showing Spiderman 3 which I had to turn away from because I can't take looking at Kirsten Dunst's scary facial expressions and mannerisms while I'm on an already scary aircraft. THEN they showed "First Daughter" starring Katie Holmes who honestly does freak me out -- did so even before marrying Tom Cruise and Scientology and birthing Xenu Jr. -- with those wierd cheeks and creepy side smile, and soulless look in the glassy eyes...I thought I was going to lose it. So I read a lot of Wicked -- which I love by the way -- and tried to fall asleep from eating a handfull of Tylenol PM but I couldn't even put a dent in the wakefullness that extreme discomfort causes. I'm about 5 inches too tall for air travel, believe it.

In Prague, the strangest thing happened to me several times. When I was walking around, trying to take in some sights and do a little shopping (incidentally it is a blatant lie that they use the Euro in the Czech Republic, so I never knew what anything cost -- 500 CZK? I don't know? Is that expensive?) these kids kept running up to me and talking to me a mile-a-minute in Czech. I did like I do in New York (just keep walking when there's some bullshit happening you don't want to deal with) but they would follow up alongside me, continuing to talk excitedly in squiggly lines and sideways colons that I don't understand. These were like kids in their 20's, looking like typical 20-somethings, who were not hostile but were kind of AGGRESSIVE. So I would say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Czech," to which they would reply, "Oh! No problem!", slap me on the shoulder, and go away. Baffling.

Driving across the border to get to Germany required a quick pass through Poland. So they'd check our passports (five nationalities in one car -- you know they scrutinized them) and then we'd roll up a bit and the Germans would do the same thing. Zittau is gorgeous and old and modern and just really inspiring.

I'm ready to go back for a longer trip without a bunch of WORK to do while I'm there. More later perhaps but I have to dig myself out from under this pile of work.

Plotting and planning a vacation,

Stroll

Monday, November 26, 2007

Triple Border



In this photo you can see the Czech Republic, Poland, and Germany.

More on my trip later...I'm having to restrain myself because I could talk about it for hours.

Friday, November 23, 2007

My favorite song.


Car Crash
by Courtney Love

There's a ghost on the highway,
And I wanna run it down.
There's a phantom in my bed,
and I'm all alone now.
I've seen every hotel,
I've seen every rehab.
There is nothing I haven't done,
There is no one I haven't had.

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumbling down?

And I know myself too well.
And the Devil speaks to me.
And he's got me pinned down now,
Telling me I'm so empty.
Oh just say you're sorry now,
And you'll never do it again.
Take the edge right off and keep it
'Cause you'll never be high again!

Would you be there when the lights,
When the lights get shot right out?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crashin' down?
Would you be there when the Devil,
When the Devil comes for me?
Would you be there when the lights
go black and empty?

And I live in a box.
And I die in this hole.
And you hold the keys
to the
And I don't wanna go,
But I can't seem to come.
And it's not up to me,
It's up to you.

And at all tomorrow's partys
I will be the anointed one.
And when you all start to miss me,
oh just pass me the gun.
And it's Valentines again
and there's nothing here for me.

Would be there when the lights,
When the lights come crashin down?
Would you be there when the roof,
When the roof comes crumblin down?
Would you be there when the Devil
Takes me to the Underground?
Would you be there when the night
Stays night all year 'round?
Would you be there in the ice,
In the frost and cold and freeze?
Would you be there anytime
When I'm here out on my knees?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Why you comin' home, five in morn?

There's an old joke from Def Comedy Jam -- I forget the comedian -- but, basically, it was about how you can tell your man has been cheating on you when he comes home smelling like he would after a normal day of work, except his dick is Irish Springs fresh.

Well, I don't know if the artists behind this YouTube gold know that joke, but here ya have it. By the way this might be the most NSFW thing to appear here in a long time.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

hey mike

This is what this blog was supposed to be, until the cat got let out of the bag.

I do not have the time, energy or patience to be chasing down a man.

So these fools better call when they say they’re gonna call. And if you leave any belongings with me and I don’t hear from you for long enough, it will quite possibly be thrown to the cats who will promptly tear it into pieces.

I am going to Prague on Saturday. The nine hour flight will likely kill me, but if it doesn’t, and if you don’t hear about a plane en route to the Czech Republic having to be grounded because of an American passenger gone mad, I plan on having a grand ole time until Sunday, when I will be taken by car across the border into Zittau, Germany. On Wednesday I depart from Prague arriving in NY on Thursday afternoon. I am very excited about this trip and hope I have time to enjoy the localities. Zittau ain’t exactly the metropolis you hear about, but Berlin isn’t too far away. If you have any information on these places as pertains to the gay business traveler, please advise.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Yesterday

Good things that happened:

I got high praise from my boss, in front of the whole department (I wasn't present).
I got a lot of work done, despite two big long meetings.
I confirmed that my hotel rooms for Prague are bedbug free.
I talked to love-interest number two, who IM'd.
I talked to love-interest number one, who called.
I started getting over this cold, with the aid of Alka Seltzer Gel Caps, aka The Hardcore.
I leveled my paladin to 40 and can now summon a warhorse, wear plate armor, and cast Blessing of Life.

Bad thing that happened:

I discovered that I am the victim of IDENTITY THEFT! How these people got so much credit baffles me, as I wouldn't be able to do it, and I'm the REAL ME. An investigation and resolution process is underway.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Mattachine Brooks

While it is becoming clear that "evil is deeply embedded in the DNA of Facebook", I have to say the evil is alluring. The add-ons are annoying, but its one more place that long-lost people can find you...most of the time, people you'd want to. At any rate, I'm more of a MySpace user, and I've re-connected with a lot of people, including an old friend of mine from college.

Well this friend has well documented, photographic evidence of Mattachine Brooks in her younger years. He sent them to me on MySpace and I am truly baffled. It takes me BACK, and there are also some other surprise faces in these photos. They are top secret confidential however and will not be posted here!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Sunday, November 11, 2007

RIP Meow Kitty, 19?? - 2007


Meow Kitty
Originally uploaded by butch stroll


"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." --Matthew 5:4

It is with great sadness we report on the death of Meow Kitty, of Winston-Salem, NC. Ms. Kitty lived most of her life in Queens, NY until moving with her family in 2006. She was a long time victim of Failure to Thrive Syndrome and a lack of teeth. Long time readers of this blog will recall her inability to eat dry food, and her habit of eating wet food with her paws, causing cat food splattering all over the kitchen walls, much of which remains to this day. Reports are calling the death an accident -- a bitter irony given the length of her poor health -- though three big dogs are involved. One of them allegedly fell on her and broke her neck, causing a quick, painless death. She is survived by her cousins, Jackie and Buddy, both of Queens, and her father and stepfather, Mitchell and Sergio, of WInston-Salem. She will be missed by all who knew and loved her.

Friday, November 09, 2007

In the immortal words of Ms. Courtney Love, "I will fuck you up/I will feel no guilt"



Here we have a young Jacqueline Susann testing the waters with her new (older, bigger) brother, Buddy Man. She has been seeing how far she can push him, with a poke here, a prod there...and it's only a matter of time before he pounces on her and destroys her.

O RILY?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A little something I like to call THE STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE



(except those "good at all the sports", understanding grandmother, and "someday he's going to be a father" parts. Though I am father to two perfect, well-behaved cats.)

I remember this from back in the day. If I recall correctly, it was pretty well known and, given the emphasis on William's heterosexuality in the end, well loved by young and old. Didn't do a bit of good when I wanted The Misfits from Jem and the Holograms for Christmas, though.

[via Helpychalk]

Indulge me this nerd moment,

but this is why Palidans with retribution spec pwn all.

I mean, that shit is just funny.

Goddess on a Mountaintop



I am fascinated by Little Lakshmi Tatma, the girl born in India with multiple limbs. She is doing well after the surgery to remove her parasitic twin. She is thought by people in her village to be the reincarnation of the Hindu goddess of wealth, who shares her name. I thnk little Lakshmi is much cuter though.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

SHE'S RIGHT.

I have just had a genius idea for an invention, but I don't even know how to begin bringing it to life, so have at it. Wireless USB ports. For example, you have a digital camera that you need to get the pictures off of on your computer. Instead of having to look for the stupid cord like I've been doing for hours, you simply push a button and the USB port on the computer magically and cordlessly connects to the camera. I'm sure there is something like this out there, but let me go on believing I'm the first to think of it please.

What has sparked this idea is the fact that I want to post pictures of Buddy, my new cat, in action with Jackie, my other cat. They are wary of each other -- a little hissing and some crazy noises I've never heard from a living thing coming from Jackie's gut -- but they are learning to love each other. Last night I brokered a peace agreement, and I think that, soon enough, they will be best friends. Jackie is pretty small, sassy, and prissy, while Buddy is BEHEMOTH, lazy, and rugged. They are the Mutt & Jeff of cats.

I keep telling Jackie, "that's your brother. You have to love him." Both of them are busy talking to me but even though I know some bits and pieces, I'm not fluid in cat-language.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and really the only one I enjoy celebrating. I was in Fort Worth, Texas which is the bastard child of Dallas and the year 1973, so I didn't get to do much, but I did go out to the local gay bars which was an ... experience. People kept asking me if I was having "culture shock" in Texas, to which I would reply that I used to live in Texas, and I come from a long line of this countries finest rednecks, so I feel right at home. I went as an alcoholic motormouth and I didn't even have to buy a costume!

A lot happened, that night actually, including the driving of a vehicle that is not mine for someone I don't know who was way too drunk and who gave me a gift of some tabby cologne from Niemen Marcus, where he worked, and was very proud of the fact. That will come to light later.

Now I'm waiting on my new roommate to get here, and I have done nothing to prepare for her immenent arrival. I have to make the space for all this. On Sunday Buddy, the cat, will make his transition as well. There is going to be pussy all over this place.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Count the cliches

A Poet-tree for your asses.

(text on a hotel napkin: “Travel is more than just A to B. Travel should celebrate good times.”)

One morning you wake up in your own sweat
After the alarm clock hissed and you sat
Strait up in your fancy bed with your heart
Beating too fast and your breath too short
And you wonder suddenly if your cat is choking
Or if recent major decisions
Might have been really bad ones.
You go for breakfast to find the eggs benedict
Are nothing spectacular. Your thoughts
Are runny like the yolks and your coffee
Is lukewarm like everything else in your
Pitiful little life. You sit in meetings
And jot notes and have thoughts
About other major decisions
Like disappearing,
Going to live in an abandoned army bunker
Somewhere on the coast
In the southeast
With a long white beard
And no one to answer too.
Of course you are told
Like a child with strict parents
That it’s not that bad, you know,
There are hungry people, people worse off
Than you, people that would trade
Your lot like baseball cards or cash for magic beans.
That runaway train decision
Is not as easily made anyway
As staying late at work,
Taking sleeping pills,
Eggs benedict or the omelet, or
Being just normal, ordinary, abused, sad.

Old Gossip on Madonna, Tupac, Sean, Andy, et al

Before she was adopting black babies, Madonna was reportedly trying to give birth to one:


Can you imagine the child of Madonna and Tupac Shakur? According to Lucy O'Brien's new book, "Madonna: Like an Icon," out Tuesday, it almost happened.

O'Brien says Madonna, in her mid-30s, "desperately wanted children and had various relationships with unlikely men." The singer's friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death.

"She was going out with him ... but homegirls were saying to him, 'I can't believe you're going out with a white girl,'" - so she got dumped!

Earlier, when Madonna had taken Sean Penn to the altar, pal Bill Meyers recalls that fellow wedding guest Martin Sheen was freaked out by all the media in helicopters.

"He was flinching and jerking involuntarily ... he said it reminded him of filming 'Apocalypse Now' [during the making of which he suffered a heart attack]," Meyers recalls. "Madonna was giving them the finger and Sean was running in the house for his shotgun."

That wedding took place in Malibu on her 27th birthday, in 1985, in front of stars including Andy Warhol and Carrie Fisher. O'Brien says Warhol was shocked that one of her best New York friends, Johnny Dynell, was not invited.

Andy said to Dynell, "You should just ride her coattails - she's going to be so famous."

Scientist Gone Wild Retires

James Watson, co-discoverer of the structure of DNA, has retired. I’ve been increasingly interested in his public persona, Page Six appearances, and his old-age ability to rattle off some pretty wild and offensive stuff. Dr. Watson, hope you’ll still be looking for that cure for cancer in between golfing and early-bird specials.

Taking a Cue from Paris, Hilton is Infested

I have been on and off the road for a while now, and it’s starting to get exhausting, although I love every minute of it.

When I was in Reno I went from 7 AM to 6 PM without a cigarette. That, for me, is an unheard of feat. I am reading the book “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking,” which is surprisingly helpful, and supposedly upon completion you will never want a cigarette again. That is a big promise, but one I hope the author, now deceased from lung cancer, can keep. He says early on that you should continue smoking while you read so I am reading…very slowly. It’s fear that keeps us smoking – that is something he says that I truly believe – just as fear plays a part in nearly every bad behavior. Honestly, I am afraid of a life without smoking because then what would every meal, every drink, and every post-coital moment be? With the desire to smoke, it would be like a Reeses cup with no chocolate. Mm…chocolate. It’s the icing on the cake of every experience. Mmm…icing.

Anyway, I am here in Ft. Worth, Texas, which is a nice enough town, but not much to do especially on a Monday night. Also any decent hotel gives free internet access but here it is $10 a day, which I will promptly put on my travel expenses ‘cause a bitch can’t live life without a little online activity. Still, though I am paying for this service, certain websites are blocked! I mean, for my $10 I ought to be able to hit A4A, just to see what’s available at least.

When I first got here I checked in and the front desk was talking some nonsense about a “roommate”. Mama don’t do roommates. So I had to shut that down real quick, with an all points bulletin sent out to the conference preparers. I get up to my SINGLE room and shortly discover that it is infested with ants. ANTS! I have stayed in some real dumps but good lord, ANTS, and this is a Hilton. It was also a little dirty, frankly. I marched my ass back down there and got a room change. I am not a diva at all when it comes to travel – I have been a lot of places for personal and work reasons and stayed in some real “budget” spots -- but there are two things I am not going to have: roommates and/or bugs. At least it wasn’t BEDBUGS. And you know I did a full inspection of the mattresses when I finally got a room I could live with.

I had been advised that one of the members of the African team would be here, so when I got in I called her to make sure she had everything she needed. She asked me to meet her in the lobby, which I did, and she told me about trouble checking in – the desk said she was a day early – and that she hadn’t eaten since 4 AM yesterday. I took her to the restaurant in the hotel and it was so funny to see this nice woman from Zimbabwe send the chicken wings back because they were too spicy. She told me in Zimbabwe they don’t really do spicy, except for the Nigerians who are pouring into the country. She also told them to bring her less of them. We have such abundance in this country – and everything is bigger in Texas as they say – so we tend to have no idea what people in other parts of the world are going through. Yet she is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and genuine and grateful and, just, a pleasure to break bread with. She did ask me to “bless the table” which made me uncomfortable but was supposed to be an honor, so hey, “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food,” and we dig in.

Currently I am watching “I want to look like a High School Cheerleader again” on CMT and I’m just thinking I should be on one of these “get fit” shows. I would turn that shit out with nothing else to do. Of course I’d probably be the one they catch purging in the bathroom, especially with $50K on the line, but at least I’d make for good TV.

Again, there is so much I want to give this blog but I just don’t have the time as of late. MRSA, bioethics, the presidential race, California fires, celebretards, and on and on. I guess you can go to a lesser source on these matters and read, like, a newspaper.

By the way, this is the hotel JFK was leaving from the morning he was killed. This fact is noted AT EVERY TURN in the hotel. I wonder if he and Jackie O were in this room? Or if the hotel staff killed him because he was going to expose their ant problem? *groan* I may have solved the conspiracy theories about his death...but the world may never know.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

There's so much I want to give you

but all I've got right now is this [NSFW]:






I'm getting a new roommate.
And another cat.
More later. Peace to the mid east.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reno 911?

That shit is realistic.

More later, I feel the brewings within me of a strait up blogging storm. I'm all confus-ed right now by time changes, fatigue, and the simmering air-rage caused by travel on airplanes. Holler at me. Send me text messages. Send me sweet love.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Pageant Place

I took today and tomorrow off to handle some things around here and I've got a surprising amount of this done I've been meaning to do. Also I think I have a hot little date tonight, on a Monday, close to 11:00 PM. Good lord.

But I wanted to take a moment tonight to address a pressing concern. That is: Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA living in a Manhattan apartment together with former drug-rehabbed Miss USA Tara Conner thrown into the mix. This is a recipe for reality television complete with crying, hair pulling, and backstabbing. First, if there were ever any reason to believe that Donald Trumps beauty pageants had any credibility in...well...anything, that reason has been shot to hell by this television program on MTV. Secondly, Donald Trump can no longer be said to be in the real estate business, he is in the business of self-promotion and publicity whoring. He of course knows the cat fighting and eye scratching that is going to happen and that is of course WHY he's re-hired the former Miss USA -- to the chaggrin of the other queens who loathe her for various reasons, not the least of which is the thunder-stealing during their reigns -- as she is the most famous Miss USA ever due to her well reported love for coke and drink. And lastly, what kind of world is this we live in when Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA are being photographed -- as documented on the show -- in slutty outfits and in suggestive poses with boys. Oh that's right, the same ole shit covered world it has always been. The world where beauty pageant winners are put on reality TV to make fools of themselves and others.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Oh, MRSA, MRSA me, lord things ain't what they used to be...

Here’s one more thing on my list of things that keep me up at night and make me never want to leave the house: MRSA, a “superbug” strain of staph, is on the rise and killing more people than AIDS. You can get it from casual contact. It survives on hard surfaces, fabrics, and skin. We need a new “science approach” to solve this problem. It's becoming a bigger and bigger issue in every state and worldwide. In fact, there is a recent outbreak in a high school in Connecticut. The world is really becoming a place where we are all going to have to wear giant condoms over our whole bodies.

Increasingly horrifying is the fact that I know someone who's had this. I've seen the point of infection and it ain't pretty. In fact, I tended the wound. And I've had a staph infection in the past months (TMI), albeit not this kind, but damn! I am a hypochondriac but it's a defense mechanism. Is it only a matter of time before my face is eaten off by an infection, bedbugs, or my cat? More later, a bitch is busy today.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I think I know him



(The wig, skin tight bedazzled pink spandex bell bottoms, and rhythmic bouncing kill me.)

Monday, October 15, 2007

I will totally buy into your false advertising claims. You can promise me your product will cure cancer and end world hunger and I will believe you. I'm obsessed with The Tobi, but it's a bit pricey. So when I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond the other day, I bought the Conair version instead.

It actually works pretty well, and I'm relatively wrinkle free today so we'll see how long our relationship lasts. I am hoping this will help with my pscyhosocial developmental extreme makeover but I can't be sure. I am so in the dumps lately and struggling with the basics of hygiene and survival, I'm just happy at this point I'm wearing something without stains or holes today.

In other news, I saw Why Did I Get Married? this weekend, which is really, really funny, although a bit preachy, but I guess that's Tyler Perry's schtick. I loved the movie, and I'm here to tell you that I would give it all up for this man:



and if he wouldn't have me then I'd settle for this one:

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Shooting yourself in the face would work but the side effects are a killer.

Someone gave me the book "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking". I'm gonna read it.

Things that make me spontaneously ejaculate

From Madonnalicous:

Madolly and Madonna!
Posted: 04 October 2007 - Thanks to Craig

Dolly Parton answered some fan questions recently for CMT Insider - on hearing that Dolly may be releasing a dance record in the future one fan asked Would you ever consider recording a song with Madonna? Dolly's short and sweet answer was:

Well that would be great! Madolly and Madonna.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

That's what MySpace is for

There was this guy I knew in college, Ismael, who was really nice and we always got along well. We weren't that close or anything, but we always really liked each other -- not like that, just as people. We had some things in common, we showed up at the same places, we lived in the same dorm, etc. I hadn't thought about him in years. Until I got this message on MySpace:


Subject: Hey betch
Body: Hey,

The last time I saw you I had a penis. My name is Ciomara, but you'll remember me as Ismael. How's life?

C.

Monday, October 08, 2007

World Tour 2007

Continuing along my world tour, my next stop is Reno, Nevada later this month. I am excited about Reno because Sister Act I & II are my favorite movies of all time. I say that without a hint of irony. Drinking and gambling would be fun but alas are two things I will not be able to do, given that it's for work and the very nature of my work.

After Reno I'm off to Ft. Worth, Texas. Now I do love Texas, and when I lived there, I did mess with Texas, what?! My faggot ass had a great time all over the Lone Star State, but as I recall the Dallas/Ft. Worth area was not the highlight.

This cold continues to debilitate me, and I am so hopped up on sinus medication right now I feel like I could pass out into the keyboauut5rfgq09w34ea08e

Friday, October 05, 2007

Where in the world is the mayor of Atlantic City?

And why is some random dude saying he's the mayor? Fascinating...

The NY Times on Dean Johnson

The NY Times article on "A Fond and Boisterous Memorial", with more speculation.

Britney Responsible for 9/11

From the 9/20 edition of Popbitch:

>> Stand by your pram <<
Britney could be the new Tammy

Poor Britney. Enough is enough. Taking pot-
shots at this troubled ex-Mousketeer has gone
too far. This week she was attacked in the
US media for not being able to close her
pram properly. And now she's almost being
blamed for 9/11. Leader of the Palestinian
Popular Resistance, Muhammad Abdel-Al said,
"If I meet these whores I will have the honour
to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna
and Britney Spears if they will keep spreading
their Satanic culture against Islam."

Britney, if you're reading, there's only one
thing for it. Quit LA and the music scene.
The Paris Hiltons and K-Feds of the world
can teach you nothing. Move back South,
go hang out with Dolly Parton, and come
back with big hair and a country albums.
You've got the voice for it and, quite
frankly, the sad life, to be the new
Tammy Wynette.

FYI: The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine,
the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine
and the Popular Revolutionary Front for the Liberation
of Palestine have so far declined to give their
views on Britney. But we will ask them and hope to
bring you their comments next week.


Speaking of Britney, who's with me on my theory that she don't want those kids? She's got the rascals out of her hair now, so maybe she's the real "winner" in the custody dispute?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

You can do that?

A man died of alcohol poisoning by drinking through his ass.

Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas.

Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk.


[via apostropher]

The Dean Johnson Mystery

Chatter around the internets and on Page Six (something about Saudis and crazy sex parties) the last few days is that there's foul play involved in the death of Dean Johnson. But today's NY Post says DC police are speculating it was a Viagra-coctail related o.d. There is more to this mystery forthcoming, I'm sure.

James Watson says cure to cancer to be found in Down Syndrome research

It's interesting to me that James Watson, who I hear is increasingly off-the-chain in the years since his co-discovery of the structure of DNA, is becoming something of a regular on Page Six among celebutards who probably can't even spell DNA. If he's gonna cure cancer, more power to him though. Lord knows I'll probably need that in a few years -- hopefully he'll cure old age too, for that matter, and neurosis of all stripes.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Death of Dean Johnson


Dean Johnson, a New York performing artist and "nightlife fixture", was found dead Saturday in Washington, DC at 45 years old. The cause of death is undetermined as yet. There is drug related speculation, as there usually is with people involved in party promoting and rock-n-rolling.

When I came to New York City, I used to see him a lot at places like The Cock and The Hole. One Halloween he said he was in costume as "the ghost of Jonbenet Ramsey". I thought that was the funniest thing ever.

I didn't know him, but one time from the stage he read a poem written in sharpie on ripped out notebook paper. When he was done he reached out and handed it to me. For some reason, I held onto that poem -- which cannot be recited here on this family blog -- and have it to this day. I admired him. It's really sad.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Lounge Lizard


Yes Way
Originally uploaded by manmadepants
I'm back, and I'm destroyed. Been sleeping since this morning. Tales of teh suck flight later. Meanwhile, about the photo, the Flickr photographer writes: "I swear on my life this is 100% real. I was walking down the street looking for stuff to photograph and this guy is just sitting outside a coffee shop with this 80 year old woman and he is taking these little sofa things out of a bag. Then he opens another compartment in the bag and there are about five lizards like this guy. Then he would pose them and they would just sit there like this. Don't really know why."

Thursday, September 27, 2007

It's 6:30 in the morning here.

After touring through Seattle with the work group and the area Head Person In Charge, I retract my previous statement about Seattle (that I would slit my wrists if I lived here). It's really a beautiful city, and many times the layer of fog (called a marine layer or something or other) burns off by the middle of the day. It's been pleasatly cool and sunny. In fact, the state of Washington is absolutely gorgeous. I also had dinner at this private club on he 76th floor of the tallest building west of the Mississippi and it was the fanciest thing I've done in a while. I am but an humble servant of the church, but also a high roller.

I have been going 9 hour stretches without smoking, not because I want to, but because I can't smoke in front of work people, being this is a substance abuse program and all. Also the long flights and the long layovers in smokeless airports are brutal. At the end of yesterday I was desperate for a cigarette.

There was some kind of secret meeting last night between my boss and a few of the other people -- people who she warned me early on are "up to something". I texted her to say I was being nosey, and this morning she replied to say she tried to call but I didn't answer and she was going to bed. That was at 1:13 AM. I was in bed before 9:00. Jet lag is a killa.

Today we meet until 12:30 or so. I arranged for a late check out and bag-stowing at the front desk because my flight is not until 9:50 PM. This will give me time to explore some of Seattle -- downtown and beyond -- on my own, without a group of church executives in tow. On my way here through the Kansas meeting, I kept going back in time. Well, now it will be back to the future, as time zones and layovers will conspire to mark my arrival in NY at approximately 9:00 AM on Friday. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Hopefully I can sleep on the plane, but I'm sure some idiot in front of me will recline their seat in already tight space for my tall ass and I'll be crushed to death, but unable to snooze.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dolly Parton on Dancing with the Stars?

Awesome. I've never seen a single episode of Dancing with the Stars until tonight when Dolly debuted her new song "Better Get to Livin'" which is great, to promote her forthcoming CD Backwoods Barbie. I'm very excited about it.

Well you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennesee...

I'm in Seattle, and in 30 minutes I have to be in the lobby to go forth with the Big Meeting. I had a fiasco with Fed Ex but it has been resolved. I give my presentation today and I'm very nervous because I hate my voice and I am on the verge of tourrette's when it comes to public speaking. God knows what will come out of my mouth.

How anyone keeps from slitting their wrists in the bathtub in Seattle is beyond me. It is rainy and cold and, from what I understand, always like this.

I keep going back in time on this journey through the Midwest to the Left Coast. I don't know what day it is or what time it is. All I know is my flight is at 9:50 PM tomorrow so what the hell am I going to do between check out and flying?

More later.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

First I have to figure out how I'm gonna get my ass to the airport at 8:00 AM


The other day Bitch, PhD asked me what I would write in a letter to my high-school self. (I can’t remember the blogger’s post that inspired the question.) My answer is that the letter would be over 20 pages long, filled with warnings about the future and imploring that self to make the right decisions. Regrets, I’ve had a few.

Lately, more than ever in my life, I am terrified of the future. The future is two seconds away and 20 years away but however far off it is it is right there. And I don’t know what it holds. Disease? Immense lonliness? The Road? I feel both out of control of my life and stuck in a perfectly controlled routine of day-to-day living. I’m scared on a personal level – that I’m going to run out of money, lose my job, become homeless, die alone in my dirty apartment only to be discovered months later with my cat having resorted to eating my face off – and I’m scared of the future world – a world where the structures around us have broken down and suddenly the survivalists and weapons-stockpilers had the right idea…before it happened. As Aunty Entity says in the post apocolyptic world of Thunderdome, “One day cock of the walk; the next, a feather duster.” That’s how I feel about what is happening to me here in the 21st Century. I feel, more than anything, alone.

As I said, tomorrow I go away for work to the wild west, and I’m going to use all that travel time for some serious thinking about the future. I have to get my life together and get to moving. After this trip I have to make some decisions about a variety of things, not the least of which is my employment and the options a philosophy major has in this crumbling, hateful world.

The Call of Thunder Threatens Everyone

Darren Hayes [Savage Garden] covers Ray of Light by Madonna:

Friday, September 21, 2007

Into the Wild on Screen

A while back I wrote about my fascination with Christopher McCandles, the 24 year old who abandoned his suburban life and headed, as the book is titled, "Into the Wild" of Alaska, where he eventually died.

I didn't realize there is a Sean Penn-directed movie out now until I came across this review today in the Daily News.

The reviewer says the movie is an "overly romanticized" version of the book; the book itself, in my opinion, is romanticized as well. The author is pretty clearly intrigued by and sympathetic to McCandles' ideas and ideals, and I'll admit to both intrigue and sympathy myself. Like the author, I'm emotionally connected to the young man that I didn't know. I'll definately have to see this.

For the record, if and when I make my journey into hermitage, it will be to much...warmer climates.

I have my resume on every job site,

so I often get emails from "employers" with subject lines like "Possible Banking/Finance employment opportunity". Usually they are trying to get customer service reps to fill positions with an extremely high turnover rate at $12 an hour. Usually they are outright scams, like this, that made me literally laugh out loud:

"We are currently launching an advice section, which allows our readers to ask advice from experts in a wide variety of topics. We feel you are qualified to be an expert in the Banking/Finance Section."


Tell it to the bill collectors honey!

Heading Out

Sunday I leave for some place called "Wichita, Kansas", then onto Seattle, Washington on the 25th. If you are in either of these places, please send offers to pick me up and take me out in the off hours. I'll even expense-account a little dinner for two. I'm just looking for The Butch Stroll.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Oscar De La Hoya

in full-body fishnet and a tabby wig. These pictures may or may not be real but I still think he's...hot.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Aldors vs. Scryers

I'm a-chargin' my fireball! For the Horde and Alliance among us, this is awesome.



And if you are deciding: go here.

Monday, September 17, 2007

CNN Reads The Butch Stroll

Not really but remember when I warned the world about the dangers of Crocs?

CNN is reporting on it now. Though it may be too late for some tiny little disfigured feet!

I am very confrontational in my old age.

Did I mention I got a new computer? It is basically built with parts from Romulus and is more advanced than I even begin to know what to do with. So I have been playing mad World of Warcraft like a true dork. Bladefist realm, Windchaser battlegroup, Golddust level 62 undead warlock. Come find me and I’ll throw a shadow bolt at your ass!



There has been so much I wanted to write about (blog cliché – as if anyone cares about what I’ve wanted to write about) but I have been busy basically running a multi gazillion dollar non profit religious empire. In other words, I have had a lot of paper pushing and bullshitting to do. This weekend I saw Stardust which is a cute movie. During the movie this infant child started crying loudly and her dad kept taking her over behind the banister where you enter the theater to calm her.

People were all leaning forward in their seats trying to send hints. As soon as he’d return she’d start crying again. Being behind the little banister area did nothing to shield the audience from her crying, though, and finally (to the horror of my movie companion Kevondrala) I said, “We can still here her.” According to Kevondrala though it was more like “WE CAN STILL HERE HER.” Honey, he grabbed the other child – still in the theater—and strait* left. I felt kind of bad about it, especially with Kevondrala telling me how rude it was, but damn. Don’t bring your 6 month old baby to see a movie with scary monsters and loud noises! I paid $11 for that movie! Okay, well I didn’t but still! My fellow moviegoers should not have viewed me as some asshole but as their liberator! (Another case of behavior that is one day going to lead to the proverbial "biting off more than one can chew".)

*Murky Thoughts, I refuse to use the “gh” in strait!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's not a comeback...it's a RETURN!

Well, not that really either. It was more of a mess. Poor Britney Spears opening the VMA's was tired. I mean, literally sleepy. I've seen 50 year old drag queens in North Carolina put on a better show. There was no grand entrance -- just suddenly her face was there, her eyes looking kind of crosseyed -- and not even an attempt at the illusion of live singing. Ole Girl has wore herself out and it's a damn shame. She looked a little clumsy even. Now I'm just being hateful. The song was cute, as far as those kinds of songs go, I guess.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Not that I commit acts of heroism for the glory, I'm just sayin'

Have you seen this anti-drug commercial, wherein the girl's dog tells her, "I wish you didn't smoke weed."



And immediately thought, "That girl ain't smokin' weed, she's TRIPPING ON ACID." I know I'm not the only one.

In other news, I totally saved a small child's life today. She was about two, and as her mother was struggling with her stroller yelling, "Molly! MOLLY!", little Molly was making a run for it strait into oncoming traffic.. I reached down and caught her with one hand, turned her around, and walked her by the arm back to her mother. Who was not nearly as grateful as I expected, by the way.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Pity Party

This morning I received an instant message from a young lady in Chicago, who is a regular reader of The Butch Stroll. She is 23, perky, and wanted to have “naughty sex chat”. I am certain that this was not spam or a robot, but a real human being, though “23” and “lady” may not be entirely true. I tell ya, this here blog is an endless gateway to opportunity. Sigh.

Yesterday afternoon I was sick of sitting around the house all weekend telling my cat that she is America’s Next Top Model while flipping between that show and the Mad Men marathon on AMC, so I lathered myself up in the shower, put on some clothes, and took my ass downtown planning on doing a bit of shopping knowing all the while I was gonna end up shopping for men while drinking tall vodka sodas like they’re being served in shot glasses. A MESS.

I saw George, oh George, who gives me this look that embodies the words of Louise Keeley in The Bird Cage: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before!” I of course reciprocate. He looks good though I got to say.

So in my hazy moments of searching the West Village for, oh, something, and lamenting George’s sudden and inexplicable disregard for me that is ancient history now, I got to thinking. I have a career and a nice apartment. I am intelligent and funny. I am educated, informed, talented, friendly, kind, empathic, generous, and creative. I am not hideously disgusting looking. I’m a goddamn catch! Why am I forever alone?

And then I remembered that I am an exhausted, anti-social, self-absorbed hypochondriac, financially destitute alcoholic neurotic rode-hard-hung-up-wet obsessed-with-personal-flaws, mentally-ill slutty train wreck of a disgusting human being. With a blog. Maybe that’s why.

Astoria Murder

Someone was murdered at the Broadway subway station in Astoria early yesterday.

Is that "circumstance" trying to suck some dick in a public restroom?

Larry Craig’s children say he is the “victim of circumstance”.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Elephant eating poop out of another elephant's butt.

The title, quite literally, says it all.



Yes, I do realize it's Saturday night on Labor Day Weekend.

[via BLINBB]

Saturday, September 01, 2007

In answer to that "Beautiful Girls" song by Sean Kingston,

Jo Jo has a done a little remake*.




*Imeem now does this 30 second preview thing when you embed, which is irritating, but you can click through to hear the whole thing if you're just dying to.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

We are moving up in the world

A while back, the Upper East Side 7-11 controversy was making headlines. People, especially Judy, didn't want the undesirables the 24 hour convenience store would bring in her neighborhood. I, however, am all about undesirables, so I'm happy to report that today I discovered that the restaurant at 30th Ave and 30th Street in Astoria is in the process of being turned into a 7-11. Slushies and rough trade for all!

Your Jedi Mind Tricks will get you no where...

I'm bigger, I'm faster, and I will always beat you. (Two Mommie Dearest quotes on this here blog in one day.)



[via unfogged]

MY POINT EXACTLY



When I wrote earlier about the "Fashion is not a luxury" slogan for Sarah Jessica Parker's line of clothing at Steve and Barry's, I was trying to convey exactly the sentiments behind this campaign from Dutch charity Cordaid Mensen in Nood' (People in Need). Which I think is brilliant.

Give a man a fish...

The Original

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime”—Author unknown

The Improvements

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.”—Author unknown

“Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless he doesn't like sushi—then you also have to teach him to cook.”—Auren Hoffman, Herald Philosopher

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.”—OldFox

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.”—Author unknown

[from ametecon.com]

Some of the best NY Post headlines ever.



There is something immoral about this, I have to say. The dog, "Trouble", is said to be pampered to the point of only eating gourmet prepared meals and being hand fed. Well I'm here to tell you it would learn damn quick to settle for Purina if I were in charge of that $12 million trust. It's also known to bite people which would get it a swift kick in the head from yours truly, millionaire or not. She also left two of her grandchildren nothing, and taking a line strait from Joan "Mommie Dearest" Crawford, stated this is "for reasons known to them".



The jokes write themselves about this fool.

More later...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Reasons to be Beautiful

I have spent the weekend moving furniture and endless boxes with a friend. I have some new furniture. This is only the beginning as it was only moved to storage and when his closing happens we'll have the joy of doing it again. I am an awesome friend! There are a variety of stories that come out of this, the best of which involves murdering a couch and disposing of the body. Will detail later perhaps.

In the meantime, researchers continue to prove the obvious. All they had to do was give me $5,000 for lipo and botox and get me started talking about my family, gosh.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Tobi!

I'm going to get a donation button to slap up on this here blog, so people can donate to such great causes as me owning this absolutely necessary and required machine.

Last night I went to bed at 8:00 PM after a long day, and Jackie was pissed about this, as she received no attention. This morning I awoke to discover that, as a gesture signifying "fuck you", she had destroyed the shower curtain. She had taken her frustrations out on it before, but this time she just ripped the thing to shreds. So. I'm off to buy a new shower curtain.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

S.D. Sent Me This

More horrifying than a lead infused China-made Barbie doll.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A Tragedy of Epic Proportions

My home computer, which has been in its final days for a while now, has been raped by viruses, spyware and adware, according to some virus-finder I didn't even know was on there. In addition to this, when I try to connect to the internet I get some message about remote computers not answering or some such. As I have reached new levels of poorness and my credit limits are rapidly approaching zero, it appears I may be without a home computer for a while, which I could live with were it not for my manageable yet ferocious World of Warcraft addiction. I am in desperate need of a new computer. My next one will have all the bells and whistles and memory of Big Blue...however I may be 50 years old before I can afford it.

Yesterday I was in PetCo and in there they have a little "Kitty Paws" station with adoptable cats. I had to call K-Rock to talk me down from adopting "Peach Blossom" (whose name would be changed immediately upon her arrival in my home) on the spot. She was cute as a button and solid black, which is exactly the kind of sister I want to get for Jackie. However given the fact that I have discovered that cat parenthood costs a fortune, I probably made the right decision in tearing myself away from her cage, misty eyed, hoping she finds a good life somewhere and a new, respectable name.

I have a dermotologist appointment today to have the STITCH removed from my FACE. Finally! I hope the little biopsy reveals that I am not in fact being eaten alive, face first, by flesh eating disease.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

My Journey to the Center of the Earth and Back –or– How the Hell Did I End Up in Hoboken

Yesterday I took the day off work to move furniture from Kevondrala’s apartment to mine. As he is moving into a new apartment, I am purchasing all of his furniture as I need some drawer space and I needed to get my kitchen table back in the kitchen, rather than have it as a TV stand.

The move went off without a hitch. I got the truck from Budget, drove that big ass thing over to Kevondrala’s, we loaded it up and headed to Queens. Once there we ran into SD who assisted and we had all that crap up the stairs by 4:30, well ahead of schedule. Broke down, physically hurting, and covered in filth, I was pleased with a day’s work.

I went to drop Kevondrala off and then back to 35th Street to turn in the truck. Well I am here to tell you that Budget exists in some timewarp where they have no technology to process their incoming cars after business hours. The fat little security guard, who could probably not secure his fucking belt buckle much less a truck lot, refused to take the truck back because I did not have my contract with me. I had left it at the house. Unlike any other vehicle rental place on Planet Earth, Budget does not have a handheld computerized intake system, so, resisting the urge to get back in the truck and run him over repeatedly in Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes style, I figured I’d head back to Queens and return it in the morning.

Well no one told me that once you get to 40th Street on 11th Avenue, all lanes become right-turn only lanes, and there is no escape at that point from entering the Lincoln Tunnel. The next thing I know I’m under the river and coming out in Hoboken, New Jersey. I figured my way back around and headed back through the tunnel in traffic like I have never seen, complete with crazy Jersey drivers, and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown at the edging along speed of an endless sea of cars. Soaked in sweat and increasingly disgusting, I finally I made it back to Queens, where I parked the car and peed all over the side of the deli on 23rd Street because I had been holding it since I had started driving over eight-hundred hours earlier.

I worried that the street that I parked on would make me a target for graffiti, as a 10 foot truck like that is already a target for graffiti because these toys want to slap their tags on there and then have it driven all over. And I was absolutely right, I discovered this morning, that someone graphitized the side of the truck. If it had been something incredible it wouldn’t have bothered me as much as the fact that it was lame did.

I made my way back to Budget, and the intaker didn’t even mention the graffiti, thank God, but I hope there’s not something on my credit card later in life charging me too much money for that shit. I didn’t mention the previous night’s return incident, because my boyfriend who works behind the counter was ridiculously cute and sweet. I also didn’t raise hell about a “late fee” because he didn’t charge me for not refueling, even though they only started me out with 3/4 of a tank with a policy of “return full or pay $25”. Bitches.

So anyway, while I love the little counter dude and want to give it all up for him, I encourage everyone to join me in a boycott of Budget Truck Rental with the ultimate goal of running their shitty, crooked company out of business. I am going to write a letter and CC the manager, the district manager, the board of directors, the Better Business Bureau, the City Council, Mayor Bloomberg, all the presidential candidates, and the United Nations on this!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Liam Rector, Poet, Essayist, and Educator.

Before her suicide in 1974, a fan said of Anne Sexton, "I don't read poetry, but I read Anne Sexton". It was the personal nature of her poems, the "will go there" attitude, and the no-hold-barred approach, with no hint of sentimentality or (in my opinion) pretense, that made her so hugely popular. I like poetry, and like most people like to write my own shitty poetry, but few people stir the spirit of that fan's point in me. Liam Rector, who profile at poetry.org has not yet been updated with the news of his death was one of those few.

He had struggled with, and wrote about health issues, including his cancer, and was said to have a tremendous "appetite for life". His suicide comes as a surprise, then, as they usually do when the person committing the act really means it. They don't give warnings, they just pull the trigger.

It is great loss to the world of literature, to people who read poetry, and of course the people who knew him. I did not but I would have liked to.

Rest in Peace, Liam Rector

My thoughts on the work and suicide of Liam Rector are forthcoming, but in the meantime, just this.

The Remarkable Objectivity of Your Old Friends
by Liam Rector

We did right by your death and went out,
Right away, to a public place to drink,
To be with each other, to face it.

We called other friends—the ones
Your mother hadn't called—and told them
What you had decided, and some said

What you did was right; it was the thing
You wanted and we'd just have to live
With that, that your life had been one

Long misery and they could see why you
Had chosen that, no matter what any of us
Thought about it, and anyway, one said,

Most of us abandoned each other a long
Time ago and we'd have to face that
If we had any hope of getting it right.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I am the VICTIM here, Alexyss!!

The good Lord knows I've been taken a time or two by a hustler, and the good Lord knows my heart bleeds for a sweet black boy, but I have to say that Alexyss "Vagina Power" Tylor, who you may remember from the slew of videos that were making the rounds a while back, hits the nail on the head. In this latest episode, brought to my attention by S.D., Alexyss educates the masses about white men and the "black boys bustin' they assholes out", and how everybody's takin' it in the ass.



She is a riot. For the record my anus is perfectly in tact, thank you very much.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The sun goes down alone

Last night on my way to do whatever it is I do, I received a telephone call. Thinking that this might be Lito, who is in town and previously delivered the booty from my Winston-Salem visit, calling from his calling card, I went against my policy of not answering unknown numbers.

It was not Lito. In fact, it was someone I met over a year ago during my last trip to Orlando, Florida. He was a security guard at the "resort" (using that term loosely) and I gave him my number. Well as it turns out he now lives in New York and wants to get together sometime, innocent enough indeed. It was nice to hear from him actually.

However, this of course happens when I am at my lowest point emotionally, overworked physically and mentally, getting fat as a fucking house, and suffering from heinous dermatological issues that I won't fully go into here as some of them, although now resolved, are complicated and embarrassing. The long stories have caused many a belly laugh, but honey they ain't that funny when you're living them. Also, I'm starting to think my dermatologist is running a racket, since everything involves coming back which costs me another forty bucks and God knows how much the insurance is being charged. He also has a needle fetish, because he wants to strait-up inject every little blemish I show him. Oh, and I have a single stitch in my face for a week. Yes, a stitch. In my face. For all this they could have at least used the laser machine to burn out some of these fine lines, damn.

Suffice it to say I'm not feeling very...pretty lately. Add to all this the fact that my expansive manse is caving in around me into its own filth and we can suffice it to say I'm in no condition to start mingling with a new man, especially not at my place.

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party and then God knows what.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Pushing for DDT

Bedbug update from today's Page Six:
[...] rail service in France was disrupted after bedbugs (punaises de lit) attacked passengers on a Nice-to-Metz sleeper train. Cracked one expat, "No wonder [French president Nicolas] Sarkozy is vacationing in America".


In related news (kind of), the organization "Africa Fighting Malaria" has issued a press release [.pdf] today about a study from Public Library of Science recommending a return to the use of DDT to combat the spread of malaria in Africa. I fully support this, and while we're at it, let's bring that stuff back to stop the bedbug epidemic -- pandemic even -- and let my mind rest easy over the thoughts that they're coming for me. The only thing I'm worried about with all my upcoming travels is bringing bedbugs home with me.

Speaking of bedbugs a huge post on those heinous little critters is forthcoming, but I got to work three hours late today, the office is closing early, I have mad personal crap to tend to, and as my life begins to unravel around me I have been neglecting the most important things in life like blogging.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

For example, every person in NC, TN, and VA has "an Indian princess" somewhere in their family tree.

There is an article in tomorrow's LA Times about Geni.com about which I've blogged before. It's an interesting article, and captures some of the fascination people like myself have with their genealogy. A user sums up a lot though, when, regarding the family oral history, he says, "But you never know what's chatter and what's true."

Friday, August 03, 2007

Sit and drink penny royal tea...

I have a big long list of things to blog about (the world waits!) but I can't bring myself to do it because I am busy and highly important. But I will say that in the wake of the Minnesota bridge collapse, the NY Post today reported on all NYC's bridges, and, well, we're all going to die a watery death as they are slowly collapsing. I'll most likely be on the M60 bus crossing the Triboro as I scream, unheard, drowning in dirty water. It will be about 8:30 AM and I'll be on my way to work. My last thought will be, "Now that place is really gonna go to hell..."

I got nothing, but this: two new songs on courtneylove.com: "Penny Royal Tea" and "Where did you sleep last night?"

"Samantha" and other songs are on her official Imeem page.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You know what?

I am kind of a big deal because I have Gmail invites (I know, I'm like 4 years late to Gmail.) If you want one send me your email address and we can be chatters on G-chat.

Monday, July 30, 2007

I wonder.

What is my cat thinking when I sing to her, at the top of my lungs, while she watches intently?

Friday, July 27, 2007

"Fashion is not a luxury" redux

Information from commenters and a simple Google search reveal to me that the "Fashion is not a luxury" t-shirt discussed in the previous post is part of Sarah Jessica Parker's line for tabby ass Steve and Barry's, which is actually a good place to find cheap basics and I have admittedly shopped there. It is perhaps the only reason to visit the Manhattan Mall, outside of Daffy's.

Maybe I was a bit hard on ole SJP, given that the meaning behind her "Fashion is not a luxury, it's a right" is supposed to be "even minimum wage earners should be able to have nice things." But it's still a pretty stupid slogan, because a $20 coat is still a luxury for many people right here in the U.S. of A. For the most part, we in the United States live in a land of abundance and privilege. Even though that is the case, 99% of us could live the rest of our lives in relative comfort without ever purchasing another article of clothing. We all like nice, new things. We all like to be fashionable and current. It doesn't change the fact that "fashion" is not a "right". Furthermore, she's not exactly breaking new ground here. H&M and Old Navy come to mind as places to find "affordable" "fashion" as cute as SJP's if not as restricted to "under $20 per item" as hers is. (H&M by the way provides my work drag with a handy selection of solid colored polo tops for $10 a pop.) And I still contend that as stylish as you try to make it, a t-shirt with a stupid sentence printed across the front is not "fashion" anyway. So there.

Here is a good post on the subject of "Fashion is not a luxury" emphasizing the contrast between "fashion is for the rich" and "ethical consumption is for the rich".

Thursday, July 26, 2007

"Fashion is not a luxury"

The title of this post is taken from a t-shirt that I have seen around the City now no less that 14,000 times. I have yet to figure out which Delilahs, Strawberry, or 5-7-9 type store it comes from. Upon seeing it, however, it immediately sends me into a blood boiling rage. First and foremost, because it is perhaps the stupidest thing I have read in quite some time. And working for The World Church of Assimilation, I read a lot of stupid shit.

Aside from being stupid and ridiculously untrue, what gets my goat is the spirit in which it is worn. Every young woman I have seen wearing this shirt is dressed in the shirt (obviously), tight low cut jeans, and flip flops with their hair pulled into a pony tail. So, in essence these women are wearing a stupid shirt that is supposed to state their dedication and lust for fashion to all who pass by them, yet they are wearing a tabby t-shirt, ratty jeans, and flip flops. If fashion is not a luxury, then honey you are in dire need of some.

It's kind of like when you see someone in the high-end label sunglasses, hat, belt, t-shirt and necklace. That doesn't say you are committed to the brand. It just says you can only afford the accessories.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

"And I know myself too well, and the devil speaks to me, and he's got me pinned down now, telling me I'm so empty..."



Two things about my two favorite big tittied bitches of rock and roll.

First, hear the awesome new song "Car Crash" on Courtney Love's revamped (rehabbed?) website, and "Dirty Girls" on her MySpace page. I am so excited about her new CD I could spit.

Second, a quick story. When I was a young gay child I was figuring out who I was around the time of Truth or Dare, Madonna's documentary of the Blond Ambition Tour. I managed to get my dad to drive me all the way downtown to "Rainbow News & Cafe", because it was the only place in those days that sold The Advocate magazine. Of course, he didn't know that's why I wanted to go there. I went in quickly, bought every magazine with Madonna on the cover (which was every magazine short of Field and Stream at the time) and returned to the pickup truck. He wanted to see what I got, so I flashed a few at him, and no one was the wiser that it was the gay news magazine. Until about a year later when my mom found all my gay research under my dresser. But I digress.

It was a two part interview, so I had to make another trip later for the next issue. I was absolutely fascinated and obsessed with this interview. It sounds silly but getting those two issues of The Advocate were defining moments in my life.

By the way, I have it on good authority that Oliver, the "strait" dancer in the tour and in the film, is not nor was ever "strait," and the whole thing was staged. But that's not the point of all this. The point is that now The Advocate is running the infamous 1991 "X-rated" interview again online. She talks about gays, her dancers, her relationships, her art collection, Michael Jackson, Warren Beaty, the House of Xtravaganza, all kinds of shit, and note, at the very end, she recites the Anne Sexton poem "For John, Who Begs Me Not to Inquire Further" in its entirety, citing it as "the reason why I made my movie".

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bear Grylls: Expert Cries Fraud

Speaking of dead soon, I always thought it was only a matter of time before Bear Grylls, star of "Man vs. Wild" on the Discovery Channel, winds up with a sting-ray tail through is heart. However, reports today indicate that he may not be as wild as the viewing public has been lead to believe, staying in luxury hotels and manipulating perceptions about how far he really goes on his "survivalist" missions.

I've never really seen an episode, but I post this because Kevondrala loves it.

She'll be dead soon.

Lohan nabbed for DUI, again.

This post is legitimate work, as I'm thinking through an important task. :)

I'm in love with 37 Signals products, use Tada List frequently, and am interested in Highrise for my job.

I have to find a database to keep track of all the people involved and the money that goes to them, and what's do when in terms of their/our agreements, payments, follow ups, etc. I just don't think Highrise is the right thing for us. The tag/case feature, from what I could tell, allows for putting individuals in multiple categories (i.e., geographic location, organization) but it does not look like it's at all capable of a friendly relationship with snail-mail-merge mass mailings, or pulling up groups of individuals and organizations based on specific pieces of data. Also I don't think there's an option to add fields (for example, "amount of grant", "date awarded", "date of evaluation received").

Such things would require a complicated data export to something like Excel or Access which would defeat the purpose of having the system to begin with, from my point of view, and learning new software secrets which I routinely avoid. It's also a little expensive.

It's hard to explain why but it's really difficult to find a database-contact-management-system that is right for this organization, other than Access. But my charge is to get something that's not Access. So oh well. Most of the stuff out there for non-profits is about raising money but I want one that is about giving money away.