Friday, July 06, 2007

Jazzy Little Spider

In her book May I Kiss You on the Lips, Miss Sandra?, and in varying versions that appear in her stage shows, Sandra Bernhard recounts the tale of the Jazzy Little Spider. He spirals down into your bed with you, does a little dance, bites your ass and then before you wake up he's out in the yard laughing about how you are now panicking about the nature of the bite on your skin, and you don't even know where he is.

As I am a sufferer of delusional parasitosis, panic disorder, and clear skin obsession, I understand this story fully and know exactly how the victim of the jazzy little spider feels. Luckily spiders, so long as they are not the size of dinner plates, don't freak me out as bad as some things do. In fact I recall telling S.D.A. once that "they eat the bad things!" to which he shrewdly replied, "They are the bad things!"

This apartment that I have lived in for a long time has always had something of a spider ... problem. It's not overran, per se, but we have seen a few too many over the years. They are usually little runts of spiders that try to scurry away, but I viciously kill them if I can catch them with the swift stomp of a shoe.

This morning as I was taking a shower, on the other side of my clear shower curtain, I saw a big spider just chillin. I thought at first he might have died in that spot because he wasn't moving, and a tap of the curtain produced no movement either, but eventually he spread out his eight stringy legs and showed himself to be quite alive, and quite fangy. This became an immediate territory dispute. I calmly dried off, got the vacuum cleaner, knocked him down on his silky string noose and sucked his ass up in there followed by some other dirt for good measure to make sure he was sucked to death and would not re-emerge.

Well since this morning I have killed another (albeit smaller) spider on the window screen. Perhaps it was seeking vengeance for its fallen friend.

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Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Greensboro and will return on the 15th. So send me messages of hope cause I'm going to be working hard which I am never in favor of.

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