Thursday, July 05, 2007

This is the kind of thing that is going to get me beat up or shot one day

In general, I think of myself as a peaceful person, but there are certain things that send me into an fit of anger. At the top of the list is when I am a pedestrian, and a car honks at me. This usually results in UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE. On several occasions I have kicked cars -- usually livery cars or yellow cabs -- which most often results in my having to run from pissed off, crazy ass drivers who pull up on the curb and get out to settle the score. Once I was so enraged on the Upper West Side that after kicking the car hard enough to leave my Adidas imprinted in its rear in, I stood my ground as the cab driver got out and exchanged threats with me, complete with me telling his mother and daughter passengers to "mind [their] own fucking business". They clearly didn't see that I was justified in a little vehicular damage considering the son of a bitch almost ran me over when his light was still red. K-rock was with me and bore witness to all of this as it unfolded.

On the recent Fourth of July holiday, I found myself in Union Square with some friends after a delicious dim sum at the truly most butch stroll of all dim sums, HSF Restaurant in Chinatown. Full and enjoying a pleasant mid-week day off work, I was standing on the sidewalk. Another thing that makes my blood boil is when people stand in the middle of fucking everything oblivious to the fact that they are blocking other walkers, but I assure the reader that I was not guilty of this. I was out of the line of traffic, aware of my surroundings, and leaving room for all passers by while I politely smoked a cigarette.

And then here comes this bitch on a rampage of her own, carrying shopping bags and barreling towards me, off to the side and with a whole wide-open sidewalk for her find any other coordinates at which to cross the street. But she picked right were I was. I was not going to move out of principle.

She screamed "Excuse me!" as I stood planted like a tree, and she bumped into me, and then pushed me. Oh hell no. So I utilized my usually secret trip technique, and brazenly slapped one of my long ass legs out in front of her with the skill of a ballerina, hooked my foot up around her ankle, and pulled back in enough to time cause her to stumble forward, take two hops, and spin around a couple of times without rubbing her face across the concrete.

This bitch lost it. She was screeching at me and imploring other passers by (who were ignoring her like she was a crazy person -- which she was) to intervene in this assault.

I casually walked away with my friends.

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