Friday, September 28, 2007

Lounge Lizard

Yes Way
Originally uploaded by manmadepants
I'm back, and I'm destroyed. Been sleeping since this morning. Tales of teh suck flight later. Meanwhile, about the photo, the Flickr photographer writes: "I swear on my life this is 100% real. I was walking down the street looking for stuff to photograph and this guy is just sitting outside a coffee shop with this 80 year old woman and he is taking these little sofa things out of a bag. Then he opens another compartment in the bag and there are about five lizards like this guy. Then he would pose them and they would just sit there like this. Don't really know why."

Thursday, September 27, 2007

It's 6:30 in the morning here.

After touring through Seattle with the work group and the area Head Person In Charge, I retract my previous statement about Seattle (that I would slit my wrists if I lived here). It's really a beautiful city, and many times the layer of fog (called a marine layer or something or other) burns off by the middle of the day. It's been pleasatly cool and sunny. In fact, the state of Washington is absolutely gorgeous. I also had dinner at this private club on he 76th floor of the tallest building west of the Mississippi and it was the fanciest thing I've done in a while. I am but an humble servant of the church, but also a high roller.

I have been going 9 hour stretches without smoking, not because I want to, but because I can't smoke in front of work people, being this is a substance abuse program and all. Also the long flights and the long layovers in smokeless airports are brutal. At the end of yesterday I was desperate for a cigarette.

There was some kind of secret meeting last night between my boss and a few of the other people -- people who she warned me early on are "up to something". I texted her to say I was being nosey, and this morning she replied to say she tried to call but I didn't answer and she was going to bed. That was at 1:13 AM. I was in bed before 9:00. Jet lag is a killa.

Today we meet until 12:30 or so. I arranged for a late check out and bag-stowing at the front desk because my flight is not until 9:50 PM. This will give me time to explore some of Seattle -- downtown and beyond -- on my own, without a group of church executives in tow. On my way here through the Kansas meeting, I kept going back in time. Well, now it will be back to the future, as time zones and layovers will conspire to mark my arrival in NY at approximately 9:00 AM on Friday. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Hopefully I can sleep on the plane, but I'm sure some idiot in front of me will recline their seat in already tight space for my tall ass and I'll be crushed to death, but unable to snooze.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dolly Parton on Dancing with the Stars?

Awesome. I've never seen a single episode of Dancing with the Stars until tonight when Dolly debuted her new song "Better Get to Livin'" which is great, to promote her forthcoming CD Backwoods Barbie. I'm very excited about it.

Well you better go back to beautiful Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Georgia, Tennesee...

I'm in Seattle, and in 30 minutes I have to be in the lobby to go forth with the Big Meeting. I had a fiasco with Fed Ex but it has been resolved. I give my presentation today and I'm very nervous because I hate my voice and I am on the verge of tourrette's when it comes to public speaking. God knows what will come out of my mouth.

How anyone keeps from slitting their wrists in the bathtub in Seattle is beyond me. It is rainy and cold and, from what I understand, always like this.

I keep going back in time on this journey through the Midwest to the Left Coast. I don't know what day it is or what time it is. All I know is my flight is at 9:50 PM tomorrow so what the hell am I going to do between check out and flying?

More later.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

First I have to figure out how I'm gonna get my ass to the airport at 8:00 AM

The other day Bitch, PhD asked me what I would write in a letter to my high-school self. (I can’t remember the blogger’s post that inspired the question.) My answer is that the letter would be over 20 pages long, filled with warnings about the future and imploring that self to make the right decisions. Regrets, I’ve had a few.

Lately, more than ever in my life, I am terrified of the future. The future is two seconds away and 20 years away but however far off it is it is right there. And I don’t know what it holds. Disease? Immense lonliness? The Road? I feel both out of control of my life and stuck in a perfectly controlled routine of day-to-day living. I’m scared on a personal level – that I’m going to run out of money, lose my job, become homeless, die alone in my dirty apartment only to be discovered months later with my cat having resorted to eating my face off – and I’m scared of the future world – a world where the structures around us have broken down and suddenly the survivalists and weapons-stockpilers had the right idea…before it happened. As Aunty Entity says in the post apocolyptic world of Thunderdome, “One day cock of the walk; the next, a feather duster.” That’s how I feel about what is happening to me here in the 21st Century. I feel, more than anything, alone.

As I said, tomorrow I go away for work to the wild west, and I’m going to use all that travel time for some serious thinking about the future. I have to get my life together and get to moving. After this trip I have to make some decisions about a variety of things, not the least of which is my employment and the options a philosophy major has in this crumbling, hateful world.

The Call of Thunder Threatens Everyone

Darren Hayes [Savage Garden] covers Ray of Light by Madonna:

Friday, September 21, 2007

Into the Wild on Screen

A while back I wrote about my fascination with Christopher McCandles, the 24 year old who abandoned his suburban life and headed, as the book is titled, "Into the Wild" of Alaska, where he eventually died.

I didn't realize there is a Sean Penn-directed movie out now until I came across this review today in the Daily News.

The reviewer says the movie is an "overly romanticized" version of the book; the book itself, in my opinion, is romanticized as well. The author is pretty clearly intrigued by and sympathetic to McCandles' ideas and ideals, and I'll admit to both intrigue and sympathy myself. Like the author, I'm emotionally connected to the young man that I didn't know. I'll definately have to see this.

For the record, if and when I make my journey into hermitage, it will be to much...warmer climates.

I have my resume on every job site,

so I often get emails from "employers" with subject lines like "Possible Banking/Finance employment opportunity". Usually they are trying to get customer service reps to fill positions with an extremely high turnover rate at $12 an hour. Usually they are outright scams, like this, that made me literally laugh out loud:

"We are currently launching an advice section, which allows our readers to ask advice from experts in a wide variety of topics. We feel you are qualified to be an expert in the Banking/Finance Section."

Tell it to the bill collectors honey!

Heading Out

Sunday I leave for some place called "Wichita, Kansas", then onto Seattle, Washington on the 25th. If you are in either of these places, please send offers to pick me up and take me out in the off hours. I'll even expense-account a little dinner for two. I'm just looking for The Butch Stroll.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Oscar De La Hoya

in full-body fishnet and a tabby wig. These pictures may or may not be real but I still think he'

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Aldors vs. Scryers

I'm a-chargin' my fireball! For the Horde and Alliance among us, this is awesome.

And if you are deciding: go here.

Monday, September 17, 2007

CNN Reads The Butch Stroll

Not really but remember when I warned the world about the dangers of Crocs?

CNN is reporting on it now. Though it may be too late for some tiny little disfigured feet!

I am very confrontational in my old age.

Did I mention I got a new computer? It is basically built with parts from Romulus and is more advanced than I even begin to know what to do with. So I have been playing mad World of Warcraft like a true dork. Bladefist realm, Windchaser battlegroup, Golddust level 62 undead warlock. Come find me and I’ll throw a shadow bolt at your ass!

There has been so much I wanted to write about (blog cliché – as if anyone cares about what I’ve wanted to write about) but I have been busy basically running a multi gazillion dollar non profit religious empire. In other words, I have had a lot of paper pushing and bullshitting to do. This weekend I saw Stardust which is a cute movie. During the movie this infant child started crying loudly and her dad kept taking her over behind the banister where you enter the theater to calm her.

People were all leaning forward in their seats trying to send hints. As soon as he’d return she’d start crying again. Being behind the little banister area did nothing to shield the audience from her crying, though, and finally (to the horror of my movie companion Kevondrala) I said, “We can still here her.” According to Kevondrala though it was more like “WE CAN STILL HERE HER.” Honey, he grabbed the other child – still in the theater—and strait* left. I felt kind of bad about it, especially with Kevondrala telling me how rude it was, but damn. Don’t bring your 6 month old baby to see a movie with scary monsters and loud noises! I paid $11 for that movie! Okay, well I didn’t but still! My fellow moviegoers should not have viewed me as some asshole but as their liberator! (Another case of behavior that is one day going to lead to the proverbial "biting off more than one can chew".)

*Murky Thoughts, I refuse to use the “gh” in strait!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's not a's a RETURN!

Well, not that really either. It was more of a mess. Poor Britney Spears opening the VMA's was tired. I mean, literally sleepy. I've seen 50 year old drag queens in North Carolina put on a better show. There was no grand entrance -- just suddenly her face was there, her eyes looking kind of crosseyed -- and not even an attempt at the illusion of live singing. Ole Girl has wore herself out and it's a damn shame. She looked a little clumsy even. Now I'm just being hateful. The song was cute, as far as those kinds of songs go, I guess.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Not that I commit acts of heroism for the glory, I'm just sayin'

Have you seen this anti-drug commercial, wherein the girl's dog tells her, "I wish you didn't smoke weed."

And immediately thought, "That girl ain't smokin' weed, she's TRIPPING ON ACID." I know I'm not the only one.

In other news, I totally saved a small child's life today. She was about two, and as her mother was struggling with her stroller yelling, "Molly! MOLLY!", little Molly was making a run for it strait into oncoming traffic.. I reached down and caught her with one hand, turned her around, and walked her by the arm back to her mother. Who was not nearly as grateful as I expected, by the way.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Pity Party

This morning I received an instant message from a young lady in Chicago, who is a regular reader of The Butch Stroll. She is 23, perky, and wanted to have “naughty sex chat”. I am certain that this was not spam or a robot, but a real human being, though “23” and “lady” may not be entirely true. I tell ya, this here blog is an endless gateway to opportunity. Sigh.

Yesterday afternoon I was sick of sitting around the house all weekend telling my cat that she is America’s Next Top Model while flipping between that show and the Mad Men marathon on AMC, so I lathered myself up in the shower, put on some clothes, and took my ass downtown planning on doing a bit of shopping knowing all the while I was gonna end up shopping for men while drinking tall vodka sodas like they’re being served in shot glasses. A MESS.

I saw George, oh George, who gives me this look that embodies the words of Louise Keeley in The Bird Cage: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before!” I of course reciprocate. He looks good though I got to say.

So in my hazy moments of searching the West Village for, oh, something, and lamenting George’s sudden and inexplicable disregard for me that is ancient history now, I got to thinking. I have a career and a nice apartment. I am intelligent and funny. I am educated, informed, talented, friendly, kind, empathic, generous, and creative. I am not hideously disgusting looking. I’m a goddamn catch! Why am I forever alone?

And then I remembered that I am an exhausted, anti-social, self-absorbed hypochondriac, financially destitute alcoholic neurotic rode-hard-hung-up-wet obsessed-with-personal-flaws, mentally-ill slutty train wreck of a disgusting human being. With a blog. Maybe that’s why.

Astoria Murder

Someone was murdered at the Broadway subway station in Astoria early yesterday.

Is that "circumstance" trying to suck some dick in a public restroom?

Larry Craig’s children say he is the “victim of circumstance”.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Elephant eating poop out of another elephant's butt.

The title, quite literally, says it all.

Yes, I do realize it's Saturday night on Labor Day Weekend.

[via BLINBB]

Saturday, September 01, 2007

In answer to that "Beautiful Girls" song by Sean Kingston,

Jo Jo has a done a little remake*.

*Imeem now does this 30 second preview thing when you embed, which is irritating, but you can click through to hear the whole thing if you're just dying to.