Saturday, September 22, 2007

First I have to figure out how I'm gonna get my ass to the airport at 8:00 AM

The other day Bitch, PhD asked me what I would write in a letter to my high-school self. (I can’t remember the blogger’s post that inspired the question.) My answer is that the letter would be over 20 pages long, filled with warnings about the future and imploring that self to make the right decisions. Regrets, I’ve had a few.

Lately, more than ever in my life, I am terrified of the future. The future is two seconds away and 20 years away but however far off it is it is right there. And I don’t know what it holds. Disease? Immense lonliness? The Road? I feel both out of control of my life and stuck in a perfectly controlled routine of day-to-day living. I’m scared on a personal level – that I’m going to run out of money, lose my job, become homeless, die alone in my dirty apartment only to be discovered months later with my cat having resorted to eating my face off – and I’m scared of the future world – a world where the structures around us have broken down and suddenly the survivalists and weapons-stockpilers had the right idea…before it happened. As Aunty Entity says in the post apocolyptic world of Thunderdome, “One day cock of the walk; the next, a feather duster.” That’s how I feel about what is happening to me here in the 21st Century. I feel, more than anything, alone.

As I said, tomorrow I go away for work to the wild west, and I’m going to use all that travel time for some serious thinking about the future. I have to get my life together and get to moving. After this trip I have to make some decisions about a variety of things, not the least of which is my employment and the options a philosophy major has in this crumbling, hateful world.

1 comment:

MT said...

Ouch. Good luck!