Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Courtney Love, you goddamn professional!

Okay, I think it may be time to start watching American Idol. If people think Simon is bad, wait'll they get a load of Courtney Love.

I really, really hope this happens.

[via Gawker]

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It's been snowing a little.

There have been some flurries for the past few days, off and on, just enough to notice but not enough to amount to anything. I could not care less about the snow -- actually, I do care insofar as I don't enjoy it unless it gets me out of a workday, which has rarely happened. I am not a winter person which means as far as snow goes, I'm over it.

Well today it was flurrying a little bit and I noticed kids on the street becoming thrilled by the mere sight of a snowflake.

I am a joyless, bitter, mean-assed old queen, but my heart melts for happy children.

Monday, January 29, 2007

One Year of Unnecessary Censorship

Jimmy Kimmel I can take or leave, but this is pretty funny:



[via Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K]

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I lost my cell phone last night

in a cab, after hours of drinking. I went out with a co-worker from another department after we've discovered that we are sinners among the would-be-saints.

Anyway, I called my phone this morning, someone answered, and I was all like, "CAN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK PLEASE?!" And the woman who answered was like, "Of course you can have your phone back, I'm the one who CALLED YOUR MOTHER TO TELL HER YOU LOST IT."

It's a miracle a decent human being found it. She probably freaked my mom out though.

In other news, my roommates, their dog, and the cat have vacated the premises. It's just me here now.

And on February 14th, come see me at



You can find all the details at the WYSIWYG website, and advance tickets can be purchased here. They say it's sure to sell out, so don't you be a sellout and buy your ticket early! I am nervous already so do come support.

Friday, January 26, 2007

You know how they say if you cut off a lizard's tail, it grows back?

I wonder if that applies to penises as well?

Mozart, an iguana stuck with a permanent erection six days after a mating session at a Belgian zoo, may (horrors) have to have his penis amputated if the condition doesn't improve.


I don't see why an prolonged erection calls for amputation? Nonetheless, don't worry:

[...]Mozart will still be able to reproduce, because male iguanas have two penises[...]

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

THEN CRUCIFY HIS ASS!

Tom Cruise is the "Christ" of Scientology?

Does this make Madonna the "Christ" of Kaballah? She has been crucified, on stage at least, not to mention by the media over the years.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The most depressing day of the year

was yesterday, "Blue Monday", according to Dr. Rudy Nydegger, a psychologist at Ellis Hospital in Niskayuna. Strangely, I really was particularly depressed yesterday, with a real hard-to-shake chemically imbalanced feeling and a feeling of panic about how life wasn't supposed to turn out this way (more than the usual I mean.)

So I ask you, tell me now, how does it feel?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Just running my mouth, or fingers as it were.

IASHRN.

When we were little, my brother fell out of my dad's crane and hit his head on concrete. It was a long fall. My mom says half-way jokingly that this is why he is fucking crazy (she of course does not use the term "fucking crazy" but that's the best way to describe him to outsiders). I, too, hit my head on concrete (bicycle wreck trying to spin-out in gravel at the end of the neighbors' driveway) when I was in the third grade, and fractured my skull. Every now and then I think back on that time and seriously ponder whether that has something to do with the fact that my capacity for making appropriate decisions is missing altogether. This weekend is one big example in a long line of big examples of me making big, shitty decisions.

Unrelated to the shitty decisions, on Saturday I went to my co-workers church for her mothers 70th Birthday surprise party. They decked the place out, and it was nice, but there were co-workers there -- which is wierd in hindsite -- and being in a black Baptist church fellowship hall filled with churchy people made the whole thing basically a religious service complete with sermon and singing and hand-waving "catching the spirit" outbursts. I get immediately uncomfortable with that because I'm visibly unemotional and maybe even a little eye-rolly. I stand out, percieved as a heathen, which I am.

I went out Thursday after work. I met this dude. We hung out last night when I ran into him again in this shady bar on Christopher Street. As I am typing this he is on my bed and will not stop talking. He's been kind of hard to shake today. I have enjoyed the company though. He has been in prison, has multiple tattoos, smokes a lot of pot, and will not shut up, so you know, EXACTLY MY TYPE.

On another note, this is a funny documentation of crazy-neighbor notes: Notes from Apartment 5 [via Little Buggy Tounges] This was in a building in our very own Astoria, Queens, which is funny, because as someone says in the comments, every building in the city has a crazy note-writing neighbor. However, in my building, we have all out note-writing wars,
where one neighbor will post a note in the stairway, and then later a reply will be up, and then other parties start posting shit...

Also, next door S.D. had an all out battle with this woman downstairs who would come upstairs drunk as hell demanding that he not walk around in his own apartment so much. She is a nutjob, but we do have the luxury of living on the top floor (as the woman in the link notes about the note-reciever).

In my friends J&T's apartment where I've stayed to catsit, her upstair neighbors sound like they are strait up bowling and it does get frustrating.

The woman downstairs from S.D. (who has since moved) had a little girl who would do kind of obvious critiques of her family (for example, one of her masterpieces was a blonde headed monster with a huge wide open mouth screaming at a tiny little stick person -- paging Dr. Freud). Her mother, oblivious to the fact that these are clearly depictions of her, would post them to the front of her door. She even talked to me in the hallway about it as if I have anything to do with what goes on next door to me, getting a little heated even, and then days later I'd see her and she'd have no idea who I am.

Well, my roommates have returned from their months long trip to NC in a moving van with plans to move out by Tuesday. They brought their menstruating dog with them and had a guest, and I have had a guest, so it's been a full house with five people and two animals, and chaos abounding due to the moving in process. My life got flipped turned upside down as the Fresh Prince would say, and I'm wondering where I can get an extra $500 per month to keep this apartment to myself.

Holla.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Really though, you can smoke if you want...

I'm kind of a big deal.

Not really, but I am kind of excited.

Last night I attended the WYSIWYG Talent Show at the Bowery Poetry Club, where I briefly met Chris aka Uffish who is very sweet. I had been meaning to go to this show for a while now, as I read many of the bloggers who have read their pieces there, but as the Bowery is about the same distance from my stomping grounds as the equator, it’s been a long time coming. My life happens Uptown and in Queens. What can I say.

The show was very entertaining and funny. Those of you who know me know that I sometimes pretend that I am entertaining and funny, but maybe not so much. You also may know that I am very shy and the thought of public speaking kind of fills me with anxious tremors and absolute terror.

Nonetheless, I will be reading at the WYSIWYG Talent Show on February 14. For their anniversary episode, the theme is “Worst. Sex. Ever.” I have a tale in mind but I’m afraid it might come off more pitiful than ha-ha. At any rate your attendance is requested. Find details on the WYSIWYG site and expect constant reminders as the date draws closer.

I of course told Bitch, Phd about this as guest-blogging for her is what led to being asked to do this thang, and I told her how all the performers of past shows have bios that include big-time shit like “has been on HBO”, “has won awards”, etc, and their blogs are very popular, while I…am not like that. She said, “Well you have blogged at BITCH PHD!” which is exactly what I put down.

P.S. This is my lucky-number 700th post.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I am putting off work for a minute in honor of this monkey.

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.


Judy the Chimp is an animal after my own heart. In fact, I will gladly adopt her because she cleans. That's what I need -- a monkey that cleans. Unfortunately, if she raided my refrigerator, she would find that I only have mayonnaise in there.

Never had a cavity in 30 years!

I had my teeth cleaned yesterday. Most people find the dentist irritating and painful, but I find a good old fashion metal-against-tooth scrape (I prefer the old school scraper to the fancy new "water picks"), the flouride polisher, and the tubular vacuum that sucks out your slobber kind of relaxing. And I really love the feeling of having plaqueless teeth. While they may be yellow from all the cigarettes and coffee that gets me through the day, they are healthy. Never had a cavity! My dentist tells me every time, "Hey, you've still got some baby teeth!" I only see him every six months or so, so he must forget that he has already told me this. Actually, I think he's kind of fascinated by it so he feels the need to comment. I AM SO UNIQUE AND SPECIAL.

Most people, when having dental work done, close their eyes I would imagine under the blaze of the overhead light. But me, I stare directly into the dentist's eyes. This time it was the head cleaner, and not one of the two dentists, who did the cleaning, and it probably creeped her out, being a rookie and all. But I can't help it, it's a thing from childhood, when I figured out you could see what they're doing in your mouth from the reflection in their goggles. I'm sure it must even wierd the veterans out, but like I said, I can't help it.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Bed Bugs

S.D.A. noted that on my website there are ads for bed bug sprays. I of course don't pick those ads, they pick me. Sometimes I get crazy ads based on the words found herein. I offer no warranty or advice on any of them.

The reason I get bedbug ads, though, is because I am so obsessed with bed bugs and paranoid that they're coming...to get me.

A New York couple is suing a luxury London hotel for bed bug bites. Not only that, but the bugs flew home with them, as they are known for doing.


"People associate bed bugs with more of a lower end class of hotel," Weinstein said. "Clearly, that's not the case here. The Mandarin is as premier and luxurious as any hotel could make themselves out to be."


The really scary thing about bedbugs is that they have nothing to do with how clean you are, or how clean your house is.

And they are excellent travellers, which is why there is an epidemic in NY and beyond.

The bedbugs embedded themselves in the couple's luggage and clothing, traveling back to their Manhattan apartment, where they continued biting the Blumings until the couple fumigated their apartment and discarded or replaced their clothing, bedding, luggage and personal effects, according to the lawsuit.


I'm not sure what the insurers are supposed to do about the hotel's infestation:

"There have been no subsequent incidents and the matter has been referred to our insurers," she [hotel rep] said. "Our policy is to operate with the highest standards of conduct with stringent hygiene systems at all of our hotels to safeguard the health and safety of our guests."


Or if they understand the previous statement about hygiene having little to do with bed bugs -- you gotta destroy those fuckers with fumigation and furniture replacement.

I'm available as a consultant on these matters.

This is getting repetitive, but it is my duty to bring you endless information on bed bugs. I'm a mythbuster, a solution seeker.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Dubiously Proud Moments in Blogging vol. 3

The Butch Stroll is the number one return on Google for "penny gets burned by the iron".

Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Disappointment Register, Volume 1

Everyone has those songs to which they don't understand the lyrics, but sing along their own lyrics that sound about right. It can be funny when you finally learn what the singer is really saying. (Though I've always known the lyrics, I still give it up for "Anna Friel" every time ole Madge Ritchie sings "And I feel".)

That said I'd like to register my disappointment with that stupid cell-phone company commercial where the two guys think "Rock the Casbah" is "Lock the Catbox". Though there are some hard to understand lyrics in the song, of all the songs in the world that people hear the wrong lyrics to, the actual line "Rock the Casbah" is not one of them and is in fact widely known and unmistakeable. STUPID commercial and I couldn't even tell you which company it is off the top of my head.

Also, I'm disappointed that my apartment has reached new levels of filth. I'm considering taking an ad out on Craigslist for a cleaner to come in and make some sense out of this madness. I'm not even kidding. I'm thinking $50 bucks and supplies.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Two Headed Calf and Bambi & Thumper

Awww...Bambi & Thumper.

Less awww, but interesting: Star the Two Headed Calf. (More like a split-head two-snouted calf, but still.)

[via Popbitch]

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I have apparantly been dehydrated for most of my life.


In keeping with my spirited, absolute committment and dedication to physical fitness, I have taken to drinking eight glasses of water per day. I bought this bottle at Bed Bath and Beyond for to gauge my water intake.

Now all this water, coupled with my regular intake of coffee, has not made me feel much different, outside of the fact that, now, I constantly have to pee. I can't get anything done because no sooner am I back from the bathroom do I feel the urge again.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

ialmrnt5 display driver

Is anyone out there having the ialmrnt5 display driver issue with World of Warcraft? It's frustrating, huh? I was reading the thread on the WoW site [this thread is now closed; follow the link on the final page of the thread to the new thread about the issue, which will lead you to the link I have posted below] and it seems no one really knows what's wrong, other than that it has something to do with the latest patch from Blizzard. I did see some other sites where people have had this problem with other games, Sims 2 among others. Please advise? If I get a new graphics card, does that just..fix it?

It's a feeling not unlike drug withdrawal (I imagine).

UPDATE: I seem to have corrected the problem by following the instructions in post #5 here. However, the game seems a little laggy and wierd. I have registered my disappointment with Blizzard Entertainment over having to downgrade something on my computer in order to play their game, which was working fine until their most recent patch, which screwed it all up for me and countless others. Mind you, we are paying subscribers to this game. Irritating.

I want to be the girl with the most cake...

Drrt

I caught the first episode of "Dirt" starring Courtney Cox of "Friends" fame, and I it's really good. Although it is antithetical to everything The Butch Stroll stands for, and the cast of characters would not know the butch stroll if they thrown onto it out of the back of a truck, I have to admit that I do find "Friends" entertaining. However, Courtney Cox's wicked tabloid queen of a character in Dirt has broken her free of any typecasting potential she may have had.

On another note, MTV has a show entitled "Exposed", which is stupid, as is all of MTV, but I watched a few episodes. The premise is two people meet another person of the opposite sex while they supposedly do not know that a friend is listening and running their voices through "lie detection software". Anyway, as I watched this bullshit, I noticed that without fail the girls (and the guys for that matter) picked the person I would not have picked. I can't believe I've just invested a paragraph's worth of my life to discussing this.

Meanwhile VH1 has both "I Love New York" starring New York from "Flava of Love", and also "The White Rapper Show", where people are competing to be, well, a white rapper. I have realized, with the help of MTV's "Real World/Road Rules Challenges" and VH1's "Celbreality" that the way to get on TV these days is to be absolutely ridiculous. For that reason alone, I may have a shot at being a TV personality someday. ;)

Dream Girls Will Never Leave You...

Like many people, my problem with the movie-musical genre is the suspension of disbelief required to accept that characters who are in the middle of dialouging suddenly burst into singing and dancing. It's different on stage in some way that I can't quite put my finger on. Everything on Broadway is a musical, so maybe it's just more expected. Unlike my other favorite musical--Evita--there is actual dialouge and action that is not singing and dancing. (There is only one line in Evita that is not sung, and that is when Augustin Magaldi says, "Neither has yours" to Eva's (Madonna's) sung line, "Your act hasn't changed much.")

That said, Dreamgirls was really good. It reminded me in some ways of What's Love Got to Do with It?, though the latter cannot properly be called a musical because all the singing and dancing that takes place is during performances the characters are giving an audience of extras (performing, in the recording studio, etc). What's similar though is the black cast that goes from rags to riches in the 60's and 70's, and the bastard children, husband stealing, betrayal and mo' money mo' problems themes that run throughout. However, there is no wife beating in Dreamgirls -- but I still see it as an I, Tina moment in time, and James "Thunder" Early (Eddie Murphy) is as Ike-Turner as he wants to be.



Jennifer Hudson is well deserved of the praise she's been getting for her role as Effie, and by losing "American Idol" but going on to have an Oscar buzz and a Golden Globes nomination, she has achieved the reverse double-cup of the year. Take that Simon Cowell! What's interesting, however, is how every time she is mentioned it's as a "supporting actress" in the film, when she is in fact (arguably) the central character. I didn't have my timer on me, but I think she might even have more screen time than Beyonce. But the Big Names are the ones that are on the billboards and promotional material: Beyonce, Jamie Foxx, and Eddie.



Beyonce is great, too, and I'm in love with her song "Listen", that she wrote for the movie. I do wonder how she felt that continuously through the movie other characters note her lack of singing ability. In real life she can of coure sing very well (and despite the movie's premise that she can't sing, she of course sings great in the film).



The idea is that CeCe (Jamie Foxx) puts the power behind her voice through promotion and production. She's the pretty one, though, so she rises to be the lead of the group, while the big-boned Effie sinks into the background, which drives her crazy, her ultimate demise.

The movie is happy and sad, upbeat and downbeat, and very entertaining. The Butch Stroll gives three and a half out of four stars. As stated here, though, the original is the best:

>

Monday, January 08, 2007

The Sky Is Falling

While it frequently smells unpleasant, the natural gas odor in the City today is unsettling.

Meanwhile, birds are falling from the sky, dead, in Austin, Texas.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Friday, January 05, 2007

GREATEST HITS

to my blog from Google, that is.



Evergreen Cafe, baby. In the E 60's.



Apparantly my apartment, because they refuse to turn the heat on. Although today it is 66 degrees outside. Just give it a few days 'till the global warming is wears off a bit.



Cannot help you with this.



As a pretty blonde, I discuss this issue.



I, too, have this phobia, but no solid mind-easing method for prevention. Put a towel down is all I can suggest.



Wait, which do you have? Gay porn or meth? And sorry, I don't know Marc.

test

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Bed Bug Diva Sues

A star of the New York City Opera is suing the Hilton Hotel chain.

Alison Trainer, of Manhattan, suffered more than 150 bedbug bites during her itchy stay at the Hilton Suites in Phoenix this past November, according to the lawsuit. At least a dozen of the bites are on her face, said her lawyer, Kenneth Glassman.

Trainer is so traumatized, she can no longer bear sleeping in a bed - and sleeps on the floor instead, her suit claims. She's continued to perform, but otherwise can't bear to be seen, the lawyer said.

"She looks like a piece of wood that was attacked by termites," Glassman said.


Honey, might as well stay in the bed -- they'll bite your ass on the hardwood too.

I hope Paris does a nightly check of her sheets. (Seriously though, she doesn't stay in Hiltons. Let's be serious.)

Forthcoming: my comparison of Marriots versus Hiltons from business travel experinces. BTW I can report that the Oak Lawn Illinois Hilton is clear of bb's. The D-Lux Motel across the street, not so sure.

Monday, January 01, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Yeah hi, happy New Year to you and yours. It is raining today which I hope is not a sign of what's ahead in 2007. I did not eat black eyed peas and turnip greens today, but I did eat split pea soup with ham which has to count for something.

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, I prefer to make "new week's resolutions" or "new month's resolutions" because I can't force the motivation at any given time to follow through on my desire for self-improvement (and it's admittedly hard to improve on all this). ;) I am making some this year though, as is my option.

#1 -- Go to the gym at least 3 times per week.
#2 -- Stop shoving my face full of the candy everyone leaves laying around the office in little dishes and trays.
#3 -- Do something about my disgusting apartment besides sit around in it doing nothing.
#4 -- Read more books.
#5 -- Save more money.

That's as far as I got. There will be pictures forthcoming of drag queens and Yours Truly & Co. from last night on The Butch Stroll. Also, Mattachine Brooks is rumored to be making a comeback -- keep your ears to the ground. Holla!