Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Good thing I keep my vast fortune in the freezer and under my mattress.

You probably heard that the stock market crashed. Or the Dow or something.

Canal Street has nothing on Courtney

Courtney Love's "Chanel" dress that she wore to Paris Hilton's birthday party was a "knock off", according to Page Six.

Karl Lagerfeld wants to know who stole one of his couture designs, a black dress with a white bib-front that he sent down the runway last month. Courtney Love wore an exact knockoff of the frock, right down to her fluffy fingerless gloves, to Paris Hilton's birthday party in L.A. Saturday night, Women's Wear Daily reported. But Love can't identify the copycat culprit. "It was one of many dresses sent to her by stylists and publicists to wear. It did not have a label in it," her rep, Alan Nierob, told Page Six. "We haven't figured out yet which stylist and/or publicist sent that particular dress."

Madonna has "fat days" and doesn't like Lourdes's Taste in Slutty Clothing (and shouldn't she be wearing "The English Roses" clothing line, anyway?)

From the UK Daily Mail, via Madonnalicious:

[Madonna] spends six mornings a week completing a mix of workouts and cardiovascular exercises. 'I mix it up - Pilates, gyrotonics, yoga,' says the singer, 48.

'I do it six days a week, with Sundays off. Actually, Sunday is a day of horse-riding. There’s no such thing as a day off.'

Despite her regime, she still has 'fat days' when she worries about her weight.

She tells Elle magazine: 'I run longer on the treadmill and don’t eat as much the next day, so then it evens out, but I’m sure it’s all in my head.'
Madonna admits to one vice: fine wine.

'I’ve had a few wine-tasting sessions and a brief education,' she says.
'I’m particularly fond of red wine - I like Bordeaux.'

The star, mother to Lourdes, 10, Rocco, six, and David, 17 months, says when work and home life clash it upsets her.

'I get stressed if there are too many projects going on at the same time and I feel overwhelmed if I’m trying to meet too many deadlines and spend time with my family,' she says.

'I scream a lot. Sometimes I handle it well, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s nice to go run really fast on a treadmill for half an hour and get out all of my aggression.'

'I’m blessed and grateful that I have the family I have. I am happy.'

She has just designed a collection for high street chain H & M, which goes on sale on 22 March, and says: 'I’ve tried to make a very chic line that’s relatively inexpensive. I try my own designs out on my husband.'

'My daughter is going through a phase of wearing jeans so tight she can’t bend her knees in them.'

'I have a go at her and say, ‘Can’t you wear something else? You have a closet full of clothes and you wear the same pants every day.'

'And please wear a belt because I don’t want to see your butt crack when you bend over'.


I need to get myself on her workout routine. That woman has some damn arms. You can see the M by Madonna H&M collection on the H&M website.

Epedemic Infestations

A coworker of mine who shall remain nameless reports that she has bedbugs! "Only on the couch" which they promptly threw away. She has all these home remedies that people have to told her to use to make sure none have survived and migrate to the beds. Shoose, all I know is you better break out some CHEMICALS. They are getting closer...closing in on me...good lord, I can barely handle the thought. I need my floor cracks cauked up ASAP. This has prompted me to write a new letter to the landlord regarding the repairs needed. Which are still not done. The struggle is endless, but I'll be damned if some bedbug is going to crawl up from another apartment through the cracks in the floor. Heinous.

In other infestation news, mice are one thing but strait up rats have taken over a Village KFC-Taco Bell, the thought of which makes me want to vomit my morning slice of banana bread. For years now, New York City has had a well-documented rodent problem. So that the health department missed this rodent-run-free environment during its inspection makes me lose all faith in these "services" that the mayor insists we "get more of" and for which we therefore pay higher taxes. Additionally, the UN apparantly has all kinds of infestations including rats and fucking eels. Seriously, can we get a Task Force on Infestations or something? I can't live with these thoughts.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Who Knew?!

I'm feeling a little better about...things, so here's a few words of wisdom from Sandy for your asses:



Have a little trust, faith, joi de vive
Tears were falling by then, was he talking to me?
Am I s'pposed to feel like dancing in the Paris rain?
Cast aside all the love I felt, hurt everyone, accept no blame?
Do I have the strength to make it on my own?
Because in the end we all go home alone.


...

You try to rock my world, and shock my world and knock my world in two!
But I've got my pride, I'm out the door, I think that that's what I should do.
I will see you somewhere in outerspace! I got to find my own place
I will see you on Jupiter, I will see you on Mars, I'm out of here baby
I am going so far...

The Da Vinci Code goes Discovery Channel

Christians won't believe it. Non-believers might take an historical interest. The Jesus Family Tomb is just now getting some further investigation and publicity, since its discovery in 1980.

John Dominic Crossan, author of God & Empire, said, "This discovery is
potentially the last nail in the coffin of biblical literalism."Although I doubt that will be the case. There are a lot of things that were supposed to be "the last nail in the coffin," like Darwin, for example, which definitely weren't.

[via Unfogged]

Courtney Love, Paula Abdul...American Idol?

Regarding the previous important question, "What the hell was Courtney Love doing at Paris Hilton's birthday party?", Scatty D had an interesting thought. Perhaps, since Paula Abdul was there as well, it has something to do with Courtney's rumored pending appearance on American Idol?

Developing...

Important Questions

There were shenanigans going on at Paris Hilton's birthday party, as Brandon Davis was apparently throwing shit at Paula Abdul and humping Courtney Love in front of Frances Bean. This raises the following questions: What the hell are Paula Abdul and Courtney Love doing at Paris Hilton's birthday party? Maybe she was there on Frances Bean's behalf, but Courtney is more the "biting off Paris Hilton's nose" type than the "attend some useless heiress's birthday party" type. And why hasn't someone punched Brandon Davis in his fat, greasy face?

Shift Happens

Feeling small, vulnerable, insignificant?

This won't really help.



[via Little Buggy Toungues

I am actively searching for employment elsewhere

because I can't keep going on with these work scenarios that keep me up at night and further add to this life of anxiety, depression, frustration, and fear.

There's this thing happening at work -- about which I won't bore you (more) with the details -- that all comes back to me, but it really shouldn't come back to me. But everything does. This is what happens when you become "indispensible". Not to hype myself, but it's kind of true. Though there is no reward for it, except people down your throat when shit goes wrong and the constant, constant feeling of having people COME FOR YOU.

Tomorrow, I have a to do list to resolve, hopefully, all of this, but it will end in people whining and possibly cussing, and me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. There has to be a better way to make a living. This is all happening in the middle of Financial Crisis 2007, to top it off.

I wanna make a million dollars, I wanna live out by the sea...

Friday, February 23, 2007

Is Suze Orman a lesbian?

Not an outing but a "say what?"

Suze Orman has revealed that she has never done a "pole dance", so to speak. In other words she's a 55 year old virgin. This doesn't necessarily make her a lesbian, but I would love it if she were. Because I love lesbians and I LOVE SUZE ORMAN. I really do like the lady. I don't pronounce her name right though, I go more phonetic with it ("Sooz").

[via Gawker]

Punked

Page Six had a story today about Kimberly Walther's website that I mentioned earlier. A little late. As it turns out the real Kimmy denies she has anything to do with the website, but she will appear on the Insider tonight to spill it.

Really, all Page Six, or anyone really, had to do was check the forums there where the mother of someone who "was Kim's roomate in Desert Hot Springs until recently" and "was the one that told the real Kim about this fake site."

Teh internets is so transparent!!!1

On Outing

"Outing"--that is, exposing someone's gayness to the world at large--is not a practice that I believe in and in fact think is a pretty horrible thing to do. Someone like Ted Haggard, who vehemently condemned homosexuality, of course deserved to have his own homosex exposed. But in terms of other famous (or not famous for that matter) people who are not attacking the gays, and who are not misleading women they are married to, their business is their business and even if it would be a good thing for all of us if they came out, it's nobodies place to make them come out. Even in our gay enclaves like NYC and LA there are still repurcussions to being a known queer. I remember being in the closet and how hurtful it was that I was kind of forced out at a young, vulnerable age. And I know plenty of men on the "down low" who have their reasons for not coming out. Everyone's in a different place and has a different ability to handle matters such as being an out gay person in a world full of damp closets.

That said, I'm going to "out" someone but only because I'm yelling it into the canyon of the internet and I've probably told the four of you who read this my thoughts already. My gaydar is keen. I can "clock" a "punk" a mile away. So as the presidential campaign begins, and controversy is starting up, I just want to go on record as having said this before it comes out from somewhere else, and also because his blogger "scandal" has knocked him down a notch and he's no competition for Hillary or Barak anyway. I'm not one hundred percent certain but here it is:

John Edwards is gay, honey. Light in the loafers. Sugar in the tank. Queer as a three dollar bill. Married-to-a-fat-girl gay.

Can a woman win the presidency? I think so. Can a black man? I think so too. A gay man? Most certainly not, though that won't be why Edwards loses of course. He's just not going to. Rudy Guilliani has several drag moments that are making the rounds which may hold his crazy ass back too.

I skipped work yesterday

after a typical night of heavy drinking, boy chasing, and fool-making of myself. Good time, incredible guilt. I am a not-famous, not-rich Britney Spears. We even have kind of the same haircut now. In the immortal words of Noxema Jackson, "Loretta, you betta check yoself. Before you wreck yoself." Substitute "Stroll" for "Loretta".

Word on the street is that boss lady was irritated. Especially since I arrived around 1:00 on Tuesday. She wasn't even in the office though. And it's not like she's never had a bad week. Lord knows with the hot flashes and everything.

I've been in a phase. It's lifting, slowly. I wonder if the Promise Center has scholarships. Because I am earning one baby.

I realize it was a few days ago but I'm telling the story now anyway

Every Ash Wednesday, I giggle a little bit. All these foo's running around with dookie smears on their forheads that are supposed to be in the shape of a cross just trips me out.

In the South, we don't have a lot of Catholics. So when I first moved to New York, I had no idea that on Ash Wednesday people have ash rubbed onto their forheads. When my first New York Ash Wednesday rolled around, I made a mistake that is apparantly pretty common among the unitiated. I told someone they had some crap on their face--in the spirit of telling someone they have a booger. Sure, they'd be embarrassed, but they'd want to know. Their bafflement became obvious and it took me the rest of the day to figure it out.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

In the loop.

In case you did not know or have not yet been made aware, I am a supporter of Hillary Clinton, despite the fact that she is very poll-tested and managed and pr'd. Why? Well, I like Barak a lot too, but for one thing she is my senator, and for another I am on a friendly, first-name basis with her and her husband as indicated by their personal emails to me.



I think she might would have even asked me to be her campaign blogger, but after that John Edwards/Pandagon fiasco she feels like she just can't risk it. And I understand.

Desperate Women

Upon the death of Anna Nicole Smith, my friends and I asked the same question: Where’s Kimmy, her personal assistant and reality show fixture, in all this? Well Dlisted has a post up about her website and suffice it to say she is no fan of Howard K. Stern. On that site she has some bullet points about why he is evil, and poses some questions as to his true intentions and honest motivations for a life with Anna before and after Daniel’s death and Anna's own. Very interesting. She also sends a message to Stern that she will “show up when you least expect me” and that she has “my own tapes”. Hopefully Kimmy will assist in getting to the bottom of this whole mess without claiming to be the father of the baby. Time will tell. GO KIMMY.

In related Anna Nicole news, the judge in this case is clearly a nutjob and really horned up for all the face time he’s getting in the news coverage. He supposedly has had a long dream of becoming a television courtroom personality like Judges Wapner and Judy. It’s really nice that he has such credibility and an honest concern for justice.

In unrelated news, that Britney Spears is (back in) rehab. I am rooting for her, as I am possibly the last person alive who believes she can have a “comeback” in the A-list sense rather than the “Surreal Life” sense, but man is she making it hard to keep on believing. The head shaving and tattooing was clearly some kind of cry for help, but to whom she was crying or for what kind of help I have no idea. It kills me how everyone’s going into rehab these days. You suck a little cock like Ted Haggard – go to rehab. You scream the N-word repeatedly like holmes from Seinfeld – you go to rehab. You marry a golddigging loser who was already in a relationship with seven hundred kids, have two kids of your own with him, separate from him, give a few glimpses of your vagina, shave your head – you go to rehab. As for the coochie flashing, I mean that’s just par for the course. Give her a break. I flash my cooter all the time. Though she’s not making a terrific case for being mother of the year, I’m certain she’ll get to keep the kids. And please continue to mark my words…she will return to the world of the living and have another hit or two.

More later.

Monday, February 19, 2007

She's a subtle lady.

Today Boss Lady asks me if I want some magazines before she throws them out. I recognize Britney Spears and Paris Hilton on the cover of Newsweek with the heading "GIRLS GONE WILD" and am seduced. I take the magazines.

Underneath the informative magazine featuring sluttiness, however, is Reader's Digest with "Stressed Out? Burned Out? How to Recharge!" splashed across the cover.

She can read my mind and this is all her way of saying "Pull yourself together."

I need a drink.

Yes, it is entitled "What What (In the Butt)"

I'm useless lately. Here's something from YouTube that has been making the rounds. It is currently my favorite thing.



Oh, happy Presidents Day.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Mama's Try'na Pay The Bills

So my roommates have been moved out for a while now which means I have two-times the rent to pay. I’ve decided that rather than getting another roommate, I’ll just get another job.

I had an interview with a fitness company today, and while it may shock you given my absolute dedication and commitment to physical fitness, the interview was not for a personal trainer position. Anyway, it went well. I decided against wearing sweatbands and a leotard, as per my discussion with Terrentialla. I’m sure reeking of smoke and being out of breathe from the five-flight walk-up looked really good though.

In other news, I’m hiring. A housecleaner. I can only pay in love and affection, but I assure you it will be well worth it.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Something so right has got no chance to live...

The WYSIWYG Talent Show went off without a hitch. I had so much fun and am so glad I did it, nervous terror be damned. Everyone was so funny and the audience was really warm and welcoming. I have reached a new milestone in my desperate search for approval. And I love Chris.

Here is a transcript of what I read.

The people who are most dear to me in this life came out, and I have to thank them for their support, because they know that I have my issues, including anxiety and fear of public speaking. S.D., Kevondrala, Jo Jo K, Jen Boogie & Trevenator, K to the R.O.C., and Terrentulia, THANK YOU for reppin The Butch Stroll.

wysiwygtalentshow.org

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

More Happy Valentines Day

I relate to Chunky Pam in profound ways:



[via Carolyn Castiglia]

Happy Valentines Day

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Disappointment Register, Volume 2

I am disappointed in this building for be stingy with the heat, but I am INFURIORATED by the now frequent lack of hot water. I would start calling 311, but I have learned it's futile. And I have too many other wars to wage, so I have surrendered this battle...for now. I have a plan for vengeance though...

I am disappointed that Yahoo Messenger is INSISTING, every time I log on, that I upgrade, with no way to permanently decline. I have learned in the past that the upgrades are unnoticeable except that they install all this crap on your computer like toolbars and other shit I don't want on here. I WILL CONTINUE TO REFUSE!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Rest In Peace Vicky Lynn.

This morning the NY Post asks the question that I immediately asked following the sudden death of Anna Nicole Smith:
Here is my theory. Howard K. Stern, the lawyer turned boyfriend turned baby-daddy for Smith, slipped her son Daniel a mickey that killed him. Her new baby was born—whose paternity is being challenged and Stern has so far refused a paternity test—then he edged in and offed Smith as well. Now whether he is the true father or not, he is likely left as the executor of the estate, so when the baby comes into the late billionaire husband of Smith’s fortune, he’s going to get his hands on a chunk of it. Causing Smith or one of her offspring to overdose is the perfect crime, because, let’s face the facts, it’s not a big shocker that she was full of pills most of the time. And I’m not talking about Trimspa. He’s creeped me out since her reality show first aired and has seemed to be after those coins this whole time. This is only speculation, and maybe disrespectful so early after her death, but I’m just keeping it real.

I really did like Anna Nicole Smith. She was a train-wreck, yes, but I have a thing for train wrecks, perhaps because I’ve been known to wreck a metaphorical train or two myself. She went from humble roots—to say the least—to fame and fortune based on bombshell good looks and the good luck to meet an elderly billionaire in a wheelchair, which gave her the resources to pursue modeling, at which she succeeded as the Playmate of the Year and the Guess girl. I ain’t mad at her for it, and J. Howard Marshall probably wasn’t either—though he stiffed her in the will she made sure to get him on tape saying he was going to leave her the farm when he bought the farm.

After he died—or was fucked to death, as I like to think—she became something of a speech slurring, stumbling, confused novelty and famous for being, as her reality-show theme song states, “so outrageous”. The fact that several of her relatives have poor quality tattoos of her on their backs—at her insistence, it’s told—shows she at least, up until that point, realized who she was as a “name”. But towards the end of her lfie it was more clear than ever how vulnerable she was, how easily taken advantage of, and how...tragic.

While I realize the death of someone like Anna Nicole Smith is ripe with opportunity for joke telling, I also realize that she was a human being and despite her persona she deserves the same respect that every person deserves. On CNN they have the “Anna Nicole Smith Feedback Page” [kind of creepy really] and this one caught my eye.

Paris Penzin of Seffner, Florida
I will remember a grieving mother not allowed to grieve in peace. I am not a fan of any of her stuff or who she was as a celebrity. I am a mom of a teenager and felt for her loss. I was irritated and angry with the media in not leaving her alone in the past 5 months. I will remember a little girl never knowing her mother or brother. Let's hope there are people that will tell the little girl about the REAL mom behind the crap we saw on TV and in magazines. The sad thing is if the media puts out a decent story on her they are hypocrites. She was grand fodder for everyone. Remember she is someone's daughter, sister, niece, mother. Try to be respectful. She died of a broken heart.

That is all.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

OMG WTF

Anna Nicole Smith has died.

Whenever I see WYSIWYG the song "What You Get is What You See" plays in my head.


Word on the street is that WYSIWYG on Valentines Day (heretofor referred to as "VD") is almost sold out. Buy your tickets here...it's now or never. ;)

Also, there is an article in the "Pulse" section of the NY Post about bad sex and WYSIWYG. I'm quoted and I'm sure you can figure out who is me. Especially if I tell you my first name is Chad.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Ray-J Sex Tape

Kind of hot for Ray J
Following in friend Paris Hilton's footsteps, Kim Kardashian (who?) and Ray J (car-crashing, manslaughtering singer/actress Brandy's brother, singer, rapper, former Moesha star) are in a soon-to-be exploited sex tape. Which I will totally buy download from the internets.

Trimspa, Baby...

Anna Nicole Smith and Trimspa are being sued for "false and misleading" claims about the weight loss properties of the diet pills.

Janet Luna and three people identified as her guardians were named in a lawsuit filed Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court. The lawsuit alleges deceptive business practices and a violation of California's unfair competition law.

They are asking for unspecified damages, restitution and an injunction preventing Smith and New Jersey-based TrimSpa, maker of TrimSpa X32, from making claims that users of the pills can lose substantial amounts of weight.


Exhibit A: Plaintiff is still fat.

What I want to know is how Anna can be sued. To quote Drew Barrymore in character as Anna on SNL, she only discovered Trimspa by accident as "I was taking a whole bunch of pills and somehow a Trimspa got in there."




[thanks to Jo Jo who knows I really, really want to believe in Trimspa.]

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Ted Haggard: "Heterosexual"

Disgraced evangelilcal fruit-loop Ted Haggard has been pronounced "completely heterosexual". It's something he's "discovered" in gay rehab.

''This is a good place for Ted,'' Ware said. ''It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.''


And by "open wound" he means "gaping hole".

Monday, February 05, 2007

owiurflkdxnflkasdjf09asu234j

I do not believe that human beings are meant to live in these kinds of temperatures. This morning I checked weather.com, which told me it was 14 degrees but “feels like –5”. I know this is exactly the season in which I should be working hard at getting my body together for the summer – when, fat or not, I will be 90% naked 95% of the time – but the temperature makes me want to do nothing more than sit in my apartment playing WoW and engorging myself on blueberry cheese danishes in order to pack on extra fat so I do not freeze to death while waiting on the bus in the morning. It’s tortuous. I am increasingly convinced that Christopher McCandles was fucking crazy.

Like countless other people, I am looking for a miraculously fast way to become physically perfect, though I know the only real way is to make a huge investment in time over a long-term period to exercising and eating right. I cannot figure out where to get the energy to workout in the first place. And I can’t figure out how anyone can resist doughy goodness, or smoking cigarettes, or drinking seventeen cups of coffee per day, or basically just shoving your face with everything that makes life worth living including but not limited to cheese danishes that you get in any decent bodega in town. I did so good last winter – around this same time – and by summer I looked halfway decent. Then I went to Orlando for a week and fell out of the habit and now I’m back on my fat ass* in this apartment lamenting how good I could look if I would have stuck with it.

Anyway, I have been working on my WYSIWYG thing and I think it’s okay though I am terrified of standing in front of people and forgetting how to read.

This past weekend I painted my living room and it looks fierce if I do say so myself. Kevondrala helped me and in fact suggested the project, now I just have to do the borders and get the super up here to do all the repairs from bathroom tileing to replacing the mantel that fell out of the window which is a full time job (the getting them to do it, as he told me the last time he was up here that he was not allowed to because it was too late and the “noise” and what have you).

*My ass is in fact not fat, it could stand to gain a few pounds, but I do look like I’m in the early stages of pregnancy.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I don't even like basketball.

I didn't realize it is Superbowl Sunday until my mom called and asked me, randomly, if I was watching the game.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Valentines Day *does* share initials with Venereal Disease...


GIANTmicrobes is a company that sells cute plush toys in the shape of fun things like HIV, Syphilis, Athletes Foot, Black Death, and Bed Bugs [pictured]. Just in time for V.D. Please do not give me any of these gifts, stuffed or otherwise.

[via Brad at ACZ]

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Further Fueling My Fears: East Village Bed Bug Outbreak

Here are some lovely photos from Gawker.

There's nothing to it

Vouge (Kid Mercury Acoustic Version)

Well ya better go back to beau-ti-ful Texas...

Molly Ivins has died.

I lived in Texas for a year, and one of the things I loved about it was the people like Ivins. There are a surprising number of women like her, who are every bit the born-and-bred Texan, that yet fly in the face of the traditional Don't Mess With Texas-ness of the really red, really conservative, and really religious state. She was cool.

Here's a funny link to a show she did about sex laws in the Lone Star State.