Wednesday, August 29, 2007

We are moving up in the world

A while back, the Upper East Side 7-11 controversy was making headlines. People, especially Judy, didn't want the undesirables the 24 hour convenience store would bring in her neighborhood. I, however, am all about undesirables, so I'm happy to report that today I discovered that the restaurant at 30th Ave and 30th Street in Astoria is in the process of being turned into a 7-11. Slushies and rough trade for all!

Your Jedi Mind Tricks will get you no where...

I'm bigger, I'm faster, and I will always beat you. (Two Mommie Dearest quotes on this here blog in one day.)

[via unfogged]


When I wrote earlier about the "Fashion is not a luxury" slogan for Sarah Jessica Parker's line of clothing at Steve and Barry's, I was trying to convey exactly the sentiments behind this campaign from Dutch charity Cordaid Mensen in Nood' (People in Need). Which I think is brilliant.

Give a man a fish...

The Original

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime”—Author unknown

The Improvements

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.”—Author unknown

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.”—Author unknown

“Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Unless he doesn't like sushi—then you also have to teach him to cook.”—Auren Hoffman, Herald Philosopher

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.”—OldFox

“Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.”—Author unknown


Some of the best NY Post headlines ever.

There is something immoral about this, I have to say. The dog, "Trouble", is said to be pampered to the point of only eating gourmet prepared meals and being hand fed. Well I'm here to tell you it would learn damn quick to settle for Purina if I were in charge of that $12 million trust. It's also known to bite people which would get it a swift kick in the head from yours truly, millionaire or not. She also left two of her grandchildren nothing, and taking a line strait from Joan "Mommie Dearest" Crawford, stated this is "for reasons known to them".

The jokes write themselves about this fool.

More later...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Reasons to be Beautiful

I have spent the weekend moving furniture and endless boxes with a friend. I have some new furniture. This is only the beginning as it was only moved to storage and when his closing happens we'll have the joy of doing it again. I am an awesome friend! There are a variety of stories that come out of this, the best of which involves murdering a couch and disposing of the body. Will detail later perhaps.

In the meantime, researchers continue to prove the obvious. All they had to do was give me $5,000 for lipo and botox and get me started talking about my family, gosh.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Tobi!

I'm going to get a donation button to slap up on this here blog, so people can donate to such great causes as me owning this absolutely necessary and required machine.

Last night I went to bed at 8:00 PM after a long day, and Jackie was pissed about this, as she received no attention. This morning I awoke to discover that, as a gesture signifying "fuck you", she had destroyed the shower curtain. She had taken her frustrations out on it before, but this time she just ripped the thing to shreds. So. I'm off to buy a new shower curtain.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

S.D. Sent Me This

More horrifying than a lead infused China-made Barbie doll.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A Tragedy of Epic Proportions

My home computer, which has been in its final days for a while now, has been raped by viruses, spyware and adware, according to some virus-finder I didn't even know was on there. In addition to this, when I try to connect to the internet I get some message about remote computers not answering or some such. As I have reached new levels of poorness and my credit limits are rapidly approaching zero, it appears I may be without a home computer for a while, which I could live with were it not for my manageable yet ferocious World of Warcraft addiction. I am in desperate need of a new computer. My next one will have all the bells and whistles and memory of Big Blue...however I may be 50 years old before I can afford it.

Yesterday I was in PetCo and in there they have a little "Kitty Paws" station with adoptable cats. I had to call K-Rock to talk me down from adopting "Peach Blossom" (whose name would be changed immediately upon her arrival in my home) on the spot. She was cute as a button and solid black, which is exactly the kind of sister I want to get for Jackie. However given the fact that I have discovered that cat parenthood costs a fortune, I probably made the right decision in tearing myself away from her cage, misty eyed, hoping she finds a good life somewhere and a new, respectable name.

I have a dermotologist appointment today to have the STITCH removed from my FACE. Finally! I hope the little biopsy reveals that I am not in fact being eaten alive, face first, by flesh eating disease.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

My Journey to the Center of the Earth and Back –or– How the Hell Did I End Up in Hoboken

Yesterday I took the day off work to move furniture from Kevondrala’s apartment to mine. As he is moving into a new apartment, I am purchasing all of his furniture as I need some drawer space and I needed to get my kitchen table back in the kitchen, rather than have it as a TV stand.

The move went off without a hitch. I got the truck from Budget, drove that big ass thing over to Kevondrala’s, we loaded it up and headed to Queens. Once there we ran into SD who assisted and we had all that crap up the stairs by 4:30, well ahead of schedule. Broke down, physically hurting, and covered in filth, I was pleased with a day’s work.

I went to drop Kevondrala off and then back to 35th Street to turn in the truck. Well I am here to tell you that Budget exists in some timewarp where they have no technology to process their incoming cars after business hours. The fat little security guard, who could probably not secure his fucking belt buckle much less a truck lot, refused to take the truck back because I did not have my contract with me. I had left it at the house. Unlike any other vehicle rental place on Planet Earth, Budget does not have a handheld computerized intake system, so, resisting the urge to get back in the truck and run him over repeatedly in Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes style, I figured I’d head back to Queens and return it in the morning.

Well no one told me that once you get to 40th Street on 11th Avenue, all lanes become right-turn only lanes, and there is no escape at that point from entering the Lincoln Tunnel. The next thing I know I’m under the river and coming out in Hoboken, New Jersey. I figured my way back around and headed back through the tunnel in traffic like I have never seen, complete with crazy Jersey drivers, and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown at the edging along speed of an endless sea of cars. Soaked in sweat and increasingly disgusting, I finally I made it back to Queens, where I parked the car and peed all over the side of the deli on 23rd Street because I had been holding it since I had started driving over eight-hundred hours earlier.

I worried that the street that I parked on would make me a target for graffiti, as a 10 foot truck like that is already a target for graffiti because these toys want to slap their tags on there and then have it driven all over. And I was absolutely right, I discovered this morning, that someone graphitized the side of the truck. If it had been something incredible it wouldn’t have bothered me as much as the fact that it was lame did.

I made my way back to Budget, and the intaker didn’t even mention the graffiti, thank God, but I hope there’s not something on my credit card later in life charging me too much money for that shit. I didn’t mention the previous night’s return incident, because my boyfriend who works behind the counter was ridiculously cute and sweet. I also didn’t raise hell about a “late fee” because he didn’t charge me for not refueling, even though they only started me out with 3/4 of a tank with a policy of “return full or pay $25”. Bitches.

So anyway, while I love the little counter dude and want to give it all up for him, I encourage everyone to join me in a boycott of Budget Truck Rental with the ultimate goal of running their shitty, crooked company out of business. I am going to write a letter and CC the manager, the district manager, the board of directors, the Better Business Bureau, the City Council, Mayor Bloomberg, all the presidential candidates, and the United Nations on this!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Liam Rector, Poet, Essayist, and Educator.

Before her suicide in 1974, a fan said of Anne Sexton, "I don't read poetry, but I read Anne Sexton". It was the personal nature of her poems, the "will go there" attitude, and the no-hold-barred approach, with no hint of sentimentality or (in my opinion) pretense, that made her so hugely popular. I like poetry, and like most people like to write my own shitty poetry, but few people stir the spirit of that fan's point in me. Liam Rector, who profile at has not yet been updated with the news of his death was one of those few.

He had struggled with, and wrote about health issues, including his cancer, and was said to have a tremendous "appetite for life". His suicide comes as a surprise, then, as they usually do when the person committing the act really means it. They don't give warnings, they just pull the trigger.

It is great loss to the world of literature, to people who read poetry, and of course the people who knew him. I did not but I would have liked to.

Rest in Peace, Liam Rector

My thoughts on the work and suicide of Liam Rector are forthcoming, but in the meantime, just this.

The Remarkable Objectivity of Your Old Friends
by Liam Rector

We did right by your death and went out,
Right away, to a public place to drink,
To be with each other, to face it.

We called other friends—the ones
Your mother hadn't called—and told them
What you had decided, and some said

What you did was right; it was the thing
You wanted and we'd just have to live
With that, that your life had been one

Long misery and they could see why you
Had chosen that, no matter what any of us
Thought about it, and anyway, one said,

Most of us abandoned each other a long
Time ago and we'd have to face that
If we had any hope of getting it right.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I am the VICTIM here, Alexyss!!

The good Lord knows I've been taken a time or two by a hustler, and the good Lord knows my heart bleeds for a sweet black boy, but I have to say that Alexyss "Vagina Power" Tylor, who you may remember from the slew of videos that were making the rounds a while back, hits the nail on the head. In this latest episode, brought to my attention by S.D., Alexyss educates the masses about white men and the "black boys bustin' they assholes out", and how everybody's takin' it in the ass.

She is a riot. For the record my anus is perfectly in tact, thank you very much.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The sun goes down alone

Last night on my way to do whatever it is I do, I received a telephone call. Thinking that this might be Lito, who is in town and previously delivered the booty from my Winston-Salem visit, calling from his calling card, I went against my policy of not answering unknown numbers.

It was not Lito. In fact, it was someone I met over a year ago during my last trip to Orlando, Florida. He was a security guard at the "resort" (using that term loosely) and I gave him my number. Well as it turns out he now lives in New York and wants to get together sometime, innocent enough indeed. It was nice to hear from him actually.

However, this of course happens when I am at my lowest point emotionally, overworked physically and mentally, getting fat as a fucking house, and suffering from heinous dermatological issues that I won't fully go into here as some of them, although now resolved, are complicated and embarrassing. The long stories have caused many a belly laugh, but honey they ain't that funny when you're living them. Also, I'm starting to think my dermatologist is running a racket, since everything involves coming back which costs me another forty bucks and God knows how much the insurance is being charged. He also has a needle fetish, because he wants to strait-up inject every little blemish I show him. Oh, and I have a single stitch in my face for a week. Yes, a stitch. In my face. For all this they could have at least used the laser machine to burn out some of these fine lines, damn.

Suffice it to say I'm not feeling very...pretty lately. Add to all this the fact that my expansive manse is caving in around me into its own filth and we can suffice it to say I'm in no condition to start mingling with a new man, especially not at my place.

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party and then God knows what.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Pushing for DDT

Bedbug update from today's Page Six:
[...] rail service in France was disrupted after bedbugs (punaises de lit) attacked passengers on a Nice-to-Metz sleeper train. Cracked one expat, "No wonder [French president Nicolas] Sarkozy is vacationing in America".

In related news (kind of), the organization "Africa Fighting Malaria" has issued a press release [.pdf] today about a study from Public Library of Science recommending a return to the use of DDT to combat the spread of malaria in Africa. I fully support this, and while we're at it, let's bring that stuff back to stop the bedbug epidemic -- pandemic even -- and let my mind rest easy over the thoughts that they're coming for me. The only thing I'm worried about with all my upcoming travels is bringing bedbugs home with me.

Speaking of bedbugs a huge post on those heinous little critters is forthcoming, but I got to work three hours late today, the office is closing early, I have mad personal crap to tend to, and as my life begins to unravel around me I have been neglecting the most important things in life like blogging.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

For example, every person in NC, TN, and VA has "an Indian princess" somewhere in their family tree.

There is an article in tomorrow's LA Times about about which I've blogged before. It's an interesting article, and captures some of the fascination people like myself have with their genealogy. A user sums up a lot though, when, regarding the family oral history, he says, "But you never know what's chatter and what's true."

Friday, August 03, 2007

Sit and drink penny royal tea...

I have a big long list of things to blog about (the world waits!) but I can't bring myself to do it because I am busy and highly important. But I will say that in the wake of the Minnesota bridge collapse, the NY Post today reported on all NYC's bridges, and, well, we're all going to die a watery death as they are slowly collapsing. I'll most likely be on the M60 bus crossing the Triboro as I scream, unheard, drowning in dirty water. It will be about 8:30 AM and I'll be on my way to work. My last thought will be, "Now that place is really gonna go to hell..."

I got nothing, but this: two new songs on "Penny Royal Tea" and "Where did you sleep last night?"

"Samantha" and other songs are on her official Imeem page.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You know what?

I am kind of a big deal because I have Gmail invites (I know, I'm like 4 years late to Gmail.) If you want one send me your email address and we can be chatters on G-chat.