Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Count the cliches

A Poet-tree for your asses.

(text on a hotel napkin: “Travel is more than just A to B. Travel should celebrate good times.”)

One morning you wake up in your own sweat
After the alarm clock hissed and you sat
Strait up in your fancy bed with your heart
Beating too fast and your breath too short
And you wonder suddenly if your cat is choking
Or if recent major decisions
Might have been really bad ones.
You go for breakfast to find the eggs benedict
Are nothing spectacular. Your thoughts
Are runny like the yolks and your coffee
Is lukewarm like everything else in your
Pitiful little life. You sit in meetings
And jot notes and have thoughts
About other major decisions
Like disappearing,
Going to live in an abandoned army bunker
Somewhere on the coast
In the southeast
With a long white beard
And no one to answer too.
Of course you are told
Like a child with strict parents
That it’s not that bad, you know,
There are hungry people, people worse off
Than you, people that would trade
Your lot like baseball cards or cash for magic beans.
That runaway train decision
Is not as easily made anyway
As staying late at work,
Taking sleeping pills,
Eggs benedict or the omelet, or
Being just normal, ordinary, abused, sad.

Old Gossip on Madonna, Tupac, Sean, Andy, et al

Before she was adopting black babies, Madonna was reportedly trying to give birth to one:


Can you imagine the child of Madonna and Tupac Shakur? According to Lucy O'Brien's new book, "Madonna: Like an Icon," out Tuesday, it almost happened.

O'Brien says Madonna, in her mid-30s, "desperately wanted children and had various relationships with unlikely men." The singer's friend Alison Clarkson recalls when she was briefly dating Tupac Shakur, one year before his death.

"She was going out with him ... but homegirls were saying to him, 'I can't believe you're going out with a white girl,'" - so she got dumped!

Earlier, when Madonna had taken Sean Penn to the altar, pal Bill Meyers recalls that fellow wedding guest Martin Sheen was freaked out by all the media in helicopters.

"He was flinching and jerking involuntarily ... he said it reminded him of filming 'Apocalypse Now' [during the making of which he suffered a heart attack]," Meyers recalls. "Madonna was giving them the finger and Sean was running in the house for his shotgun."

That wedding took place in Malibu on her 27th birthday, in 1985, in front of stars including Andy Warhol and Carrie Fisher. O'Brien says Warhol was shocked that one of her best New York friends, Johnny Dynell, was not invited.

Andy said to Dynell, "You should just ride her coattails - she's going to be so famous."

Scientist Gone Wild Retires

James Watson, co-discoverer of the structure of DNA, has retired. I’ve been increasingly interested in his public persona, Page Six appearances, and his old-age ability to rattle off some pretty wild and offensive stuff. Dr. Watson, hope you’ll still be looking for that cure for cancer in between golfing and early-bird specials.

Taking a Cue from Paris, Hilton is Infested

I have been on and off the road for a while now, and it’s starting to get exhausting, although I love every minute of it.

When I was in Reno I went from 7 AM to 6 PM without a cigarette. That, for me, is an unheard of feat. I am reading the book “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking,” which is surprisingly helpful, and supposedly upon completion you will never want a cigarette again. That is a big promise, but one I hope the author, now deceased from lung cancer, can keep. He says early on that you should continue smoking while you read so I am reading…very slowly. It’s fear that keeps us smoking – that is something he says that I truly believe – just as fear plays a part in nearly every bad behavior. Honestly, I am afraid of a life without smoking because then what would every meal, every drink, and every post-coital moment be? With the desire to smoke, it would be like a Reeses cup with no chocolate. Mm…chocolate. It’s the icing on the cake of every experience. Mmm…icing.

Anyway, I am here in Ft. Worth, Texas, which is a nice enough town, but not much to do especially on a Monday night. Also any decent hotel gives free internet access but here it is $10 a day, which I will promptly put on my travel expenses ‘cause a bitch can’t live life without a little online activity. Still, though I am paying for this service, certain websites are blocked! I mean, for my $10 I ought to be able to hit A4A, just to see what’s available at least.

When I first got here I checked in and the front desk was talking some nonsense about a “roommate”. Mama don’t do roommates. So I had to shut that down real quick, with an all points bulletin sent out to the conference preparers. I get up to my SINGLE room and shortly discover that it is infested with ants. ANTS! I have stayed in some real dumps but good lord, ANTS, and this is a Hilton. It was also a little dirty, frankly. I marched my ass back down there and got a room change. I am not a diva at all when it comes to travel – I have been a lot of places for personal and work reasons and stayed in some real “budget” spots -- but there are two things I am not going to have: roommates and/or bugs. At least it wasn’t BEDBUGS. And you know I did a full inspection of the mattresses when I finally got a room I could live with.

I had been advised that one of the members of the African team would be here, so when I got in I called her to make sure she had everything she needed. She asked me to meet her in the lobby, which I did, and she told me about trouble checking in – the desk said she was a day early – and that she hadn’t eaten since 4 AM yesterday. I took her to the restaurant in the hotel and it was so funny to see this nice woman from Zimbabwe send the chicken wings back because they were too spicy. She told me in Zimbabwe they don’t really do spicy, except for the Nigerians who are pouring into the country. She also told them to bring her less of them. We have such abundance in this country – and everything is bigger in Texas as they say – so we tend to have no idea what people in other parts of the world are going through. Yet she is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and genuine and grateful and, just, a pleasure to break bread with. She did ask me to “bless the table” which made me uncomfortable but was supposed to be an honor, so hey, “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food,” and we dig in.

Currently I am watching “I want to look like a High School Cheerleader again” on CMT and I’m just thinking I should be on one of these “get fit” shows. I would turn that shit out with nothing else to do. Of course I’d probably be the one they catch purging in the bathroom, especially with $50K on the line, but at least I’d make for good TV.

Again, there is so much I want to give this blog but I just don’t have the time as of late. MRSA, bioethics, the presidential race, California fires, celebretards, and on and on. I guess you can go to a lesser source on these matters and read, like, a newspaper.

By the way, this is the hotel JFK was leaving from the morning he was killed. This fact is noted AT EVERY TURN in the hotel. I wonder if he and Jackie O were in this room? Or if the hotel staff killed him because he was going to expose their ant problem? *groan* I may have solved the conspiracy theories about his death...but the world may never know.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

There's so much I want to give you

but all I've got right now is this [NSFW]:






I'm getting a new roommate.
And another cat.
More later. Peace to the mid east.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reno 911?

That shit is realistic.

More later, I feel the brewings within me of a strait up blogging storm. I'm all confus-ed right now by time changes, fatigue, and the simmering air-rage caused by travel on airplanes. Holler at me. Send me text messages. Send me sweet love.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Pageant Place

I took today and tomorrow off to handle some things around here and I've got a surprising amount of this done I've been meaning to do. Also I think I have a hot little date tonight, on a Monday, close to 11:00 PM. Good lord.

But I wanted to take a moment tonight to address a pressing concern. That is: Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA living in a Manhattan apartment together with former drug-rehabbed Miss USA Tara Conner thrown into the mix. This is a recipe for reality television complete with crying, hair pulling, and backstabbing. First, if there were ever any reason to believe that Donald Trumps beauty pageants had any credibility in...well...anything, that reason has been shot to hell by this television program on MTV. Secondly, Donald Trump can no longer be said to be in the real estate business, he is in the business of self-promotion and publicity whoring. He of course knows the cat fighting and eye scratching that is going to happen and that is of course WHY he's re-hired the former Miss USA -- to the chaggrin of the other queens who loathe her for various reasons, not the least of which is the thunder-stealing during their reigns -- as she is the most famous Miss USA ever due to her well reported love for coke and drink. And lastly, what kind of world is this we live in when Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA are being photographed -- as documented on the show -- in slutty outfits and in suggestive poses with boys. Oh that's right, the same ole shit covered world it has always been. The world where beauty pageant winners are put on reality TV to make fools of themselves and others.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Oh, MRSA, MRSA me, lord things ain't what they used to be...

Here’s one more thing on my list of things that keep me up at night and make me never want to leave the house: MRSA, a “superbug” strain of staph, is on the rise and killing more people than AIDS. You can get it from casual contact. It survives on hard surfaces, fabrics, and skin. We need a new “science approach” to solve this problem. It's becoming a bigger and bigger issue in every state and worldwide. In fact, there is a recent outbreak in a high school in Connecticut. The world is really becoming a place where we are all going to have to wear giant condoms over our whole bodies.

Increasingly horrifying is the fact that I know someone who's had this. I've seen the point of infection and it ain't pretty. In fact, I tended the wound. And I've had a staph infection in the past months (TMI), albeit not this kind, but damn! I am a hypochondriac but it's a defense mechanism. Is it only a matter of time before my face is eaten off by an infection, bedbugs, or my cat? More later, a bitch is busy today.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I think I know him



(The wig, skin tight bedazzled pink spandex bell bottoms, and rhythmic bouncing kill me.)

Monday, October 15, 2007

I will totally buy into your false advertising claims. You can promise me your product will cure cancer and end world hunger and I will believe you. I'm obsessed with The Tobi, but it's a bit pricey. So when I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond the other day, I bought the Conair version instead.

It actually works pretty well, and I'm relatively wrinkle free today so we'll see how long our relationship lasts. I am hoping this will help with my pscyhosocial developmental extreme makeover but I can't be sure. I am so in the dumps lately and struggling with the basics of hygiene and survival, I'm just happy at this point I'm wearing something without stains or holes today.

In other news, I saw Why Did I Get Married? this weekend, which is really, really funny, although a bit preachy, but I guess that's Tyler Perry's schtick. I loved the movie, and I'm here to tell you that I would give it all up for this man:



and if he wouldn't have me then I'd settle for this one:

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Shooting yourself in the face would work but the side effects are a killer.

Someone gave me the book "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking". I'm gonna read it.

Things that make me spontaneously ejaculate

From Madonnalicous:

Madolly and Madonna!
Posted: 04 October 2007 - Thanks to Craig

Dolly Parton answered some fan questions recently for CMT Insider - on hearing that Dolly may be releasing a dance record in the future one fan asked Would you ever consider recording a song with Madonna? Dolly's short and sweet answer was:

Well that would be great! Madolly and Madonna.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

That's what MySpace is for

There was this guy I knew in college, Ismael, who was really nice and we always got along well. We weren't that close or anything, but we always really liked each other -- not like that, just as people. We had some things in common, we showed up at the same places, we lived in the same dorm, etc. I hadn't thought about him in years. Until I got this message on MySpace:


Subject: Hey betch
Body: Hey,

The last time I saw you I had a penis. My name is Ciomara, but you'll remember me as Ismael. How's life?

C.

Monday, October 08, 2007

World Tour 2007

Continuing along my world tour, my next stop is Reno, Nevada later this month. I am excited about Reno because Sister Act I & II are my favorite movies of all time. I say that without a hint of irony. Drinking and gambling would be fun but alas are two things I will not be able to do, given that it's for work and the very nature of my work.

After Reno I'm off to Ft. Worth, Texas. Now I do love Texas, and when I lived there, I did mess with Texas, what?! My faggot ass had a great time all over the Lone Star State, but as I recall the Dallas/Ft. Worth area was not the highlight.

This cold continues to debilitate me, and I am so hopped up on sinus medication right now I feel like I could pass out into the keyboauut5rfgq09w34ea08e

Friday, October 05, 2007

Where in the world is the mayor of Atlantic City?

And why is some random dude saying he's the mayor? Fascinating...

The NY Times on Dean Johnson

The NY Times article on "A Fond and Boisterous Memorial", with more speculation.

Britney Responsible for 9/11

From the 9/20 edition of Popbitch:

>> Stand by your pram <<
Britney could be the new Tammy

Poor Britney. Enough is enough. Taking pot-
shots at this troubled ex-Mousketeer has gone
too far. This week she was attacked in the
US media for not being able to close her
pram properly. And now she's almost being
blamed for 9/11. Leader of the Palestinian
Popular Resistance, Muhammad Abdel-Al said,
"If I meet these whores I will have the honour
to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna
and Britney Spears if they will keep spreading
their Satanic culture against Islam."

Britney, if you're reading, there's only one
thing for it. Quit LA and the music scene.
The Paris Hiltons and K-Feds of the world
can teach you nothing. Move back South,
go hang out with Dolly Parton, and come
back with big hair and a country albums.
You've got the voice for it and, quite
frankly, the sad life, to be the new
Tammy Wynette.

FYI: The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine,
the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine
and the Popular Revolutionary Front for the Liberation
of Palestine have so far declined to give their
views on Britney. But we will ask them and hope to
bring you their comments next week.


Speaking of Britney, who's with me on my theory that she don't want those kids? She's got the rascals out of her hair now, so maybe she's the real "winner" in the custody dispute?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

You can do that?

A man died of alcohol poisoning by drinking through his ass.

Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas.

Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk.


[via apostropher]

The Dean Johnson Mystery

Chatter around the internets and on Page Six (something about Saudis and crazy sex parties) the last few days is that there's foul play involved in the death of Dean Johnson. But today's NY Post says DC police are speculating it was a Viagra-coctail related o.d. There is more to this mystery forthcoming, I'm sure.

James Watson says cure to cancer to be found in Down Syndrome research

It's interesting to me that James Watson, who I hear is increasingly off-the-chain in the years since his co-discovery of the structure of DNA, is becoming something of a regular on Page Six among celebutards who probably can't even spell DNA. If he's gonna cure cancer, more power to him though. Lord knows I'll probably need that in a few years -- hopefully he'll cure old age too, for that matter, and neurosis of all stripes.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Death of Dean Johnson


Dean Johnson, a New York performing artist and "nightlife fixture", was found dead Saturday in Washington, DC at 45 years old. The cause of death is undetermined as yet. There is drug related speculation, as there usually is with people involved in party promoting and rock-n-rolling.

When I came to New York City, I used to see him a lot at places like The Cock and The Hole. One Halloween he said he was in costume as "the ghost of Jonbenet Ramsey". I thought that was the funniest thing ever.

I didn't know him, but one time from the stage he read a poem written in sharpie on ripped out notebook paper. When he was done he reached out and handed it to me. For some reason, I held onto that poem -- which cannot be recited here on this family blog -- and have it to this day. I admired him. It's really sad.