Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Car Kicker Strikes

The small but growing faction of livery cab drivers line up under the train tracks at 31st Street and 30th Avenue and run their operation from there. Unbeknownst to them, I am in a constant cold-war style battle with these people. They fuck up traffic, intimidate and harass people, and quote ridiculously high fares for short and easy trips. And perhaps worst of all, they honk their horns constantly.

The other day as I passed by, there was a bunch of them standing outside of their cars in a circle, vehemently arguing about something I couldn’t understand. I’m sure this was something of huge importance such as who gets the next fare or who has the biggest dick. I was on the phone at the time and the person I was talking to asked what all the racket was. I explained it was the livery cab drivers having it out over some bullshit, and that there was no reason from them to be causing such a scene in the middle of the road on a beautiful day. I stared at them with hostile eyes while I waited for the walk signal.

Today as I passed by, the same shit was occurring. I turned to look at the source of the ruckus and that’s when it started – the practice that makes me want to become violent. One of them who was sitting in his car started honking his horn at me. When I realized this I looked at him and he was making the hand signal for “do you need a cab?” and I made the hand signal back known as “the middle finger”. He threw his hands up and shrugged as if to say, “Why are you giving me the bird, I’m just offering you a ride?” I explained that I was just looking both ways before crossing the street, and that I can see there are five cars lined up waiting to give people rides, so I didn’t somehow miss you sitting there and need you to honk your horn at me to alert me to your presence and available services, asshole!

My hatred of the livery cab industry began when I lived in Washington Heights, where they will pull up beside you as you walk along the sidewalk minding your own business, and honk their horns, checking to see if you need a ride despite the obvious fact that you are walking with no desire for assistance in getting where you’re going. This hatred was furthered the time one of those assholes rolled up on me as I crossed the street from Lincoln Center, accelerated and honked his horn, almost hitting me, as he approached the stoplight. I kicked the shit out of the back end of that car – could not control myself from doing so – and the driver got out and I ran like a bat out of hell around the corner, laughing the whole time and for hours afterwards.

Yellow cabs have not been spared my wrath either. One time K-rock and I were cruising down Broadway, crossing the street, when here comes a cab flying towards us, slamming on his breaks to stop before entering the cross walk and killing us both. Kicked his car, yes I did. He pulled up beside us on the road, my heart pumping with anger and adreniline at almost being killed, and he was yelling some bullshit I could not have cared less about. His little Columbia student passenger and her mom also had to get involved, yelling "What's your problem, man?!" My problem was of course that the laws of traffic were being disregarded and I don't want "Pedestrians always have the right of way" on my tombstone!

So anyway, I have my eye on you, livery cab drivers, and cab drivers in general. I’m watching, and waiting, and when the time is right…I’m gonna kick your car. I’m gonna be wearing shoes with bigger heals than usual, hard bottomed work shoes with metal bars through the souls, and I’m gonna kick your damn cars so hard it leaves my size 12 footprint like a Sasquatch fossil. Then I am going to run away laughing and looking for the next victim of the car kicker. You’ve been warned.

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