Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Darkest Secret of My Heart...

“Don’t wanna live
Don’t wanna die
Just wanna see
If I can fly…”

It’s 1:35 EST and I’ve been home a couple hours. I just took two of my knock out drops so I can sleep hard and long tonight, because I’m very tired and just returning to NY is draining. All day in airports and on airplanes, thinking about all that hard work and all those good times in Phoenix. The three guys that I met over the course of my time there, that chauffeured me and showed me a good time are of course in my thoughts and it’s unfortunate to meet people you really like, when after getting to know them and show them the dark side, you will be thousands of miles away.

When we were alone at the registration desk, my boss asked me how my “transition plan” is coming along, meaning of course, if I’m still set on moving. We talked a little about it, and she implored me to think about whether or not this is really what I want to do. She told me I don’t have to get all personal, but I of course did, and I told her a lot of the major reasons for this decision, and she shared with me her own decision back in the day to get out of DC and head back to her homeland, which is also NC. I appreciated her insights, but it’s a bit different when you have a husband and a child. In that case, wherever you go, you still have something that you will always have, and wherever you end up you’re still a part of a nuclear family and nothing is really going to change besides the scenery.
She told me that no place is like you think it’s going to be, which I know, and that one’s problems come along wherever you go, which I also know. Despite how it sounds typing it out, it was actually comforting to talk to her. I don’t know if she really feels solid about it from a work perspective. But she’s said it’s okay, so we just have to clear with the Big Boss. When that will happen I don’t know, but time’s ticking.

The thing is, I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision, but it is the decision that I’ve made, and people who know me know that when I make up my mind my mind is made up and that’s that. So while I will never say never, at this point, I’m planning on going through with my plan – spending a small fortune to relocate and split my time between Charlotte and Winston-Salem. On my flights back I read this crazy novel Rant , watched I Am Legend and Charlie Wilson’s War and kept being overcome with waves of emotion and uncertainty. Am I going to go home for Memorial Day? Am I going to go ahead and move some stuff? Am I going to be able to get to the airport in July for my heinous six AM flight for Saint Thomas? Am I going to have enough money saved come September? Am I making my own myth, am I finding the meaning of life, am I in over my head, am I changing along with an unsecure world?

Am I going to spend the rest of my life surrounded by people who can't relate and don't understand?

Are Antonio, DJ, Jason…my three friends in AZ – three people I will likely never see again – gonna think about me like I’ll be thinking about them?

And the one in Greensboro who knows the darkest secret of my heart but NOTHING else about me…is having a friendship with him upon my arrival – having him as someone to turn to, ears to listen, us as mutual beams of support – a fucking pipe dream, the imaginings of an idiot who can’t see the huge, clear, bright sign right in the middle of the road?

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