Sunday, August 31, 2008

LIKE GRANT TOOK MISS RICHMOND

I got the truk this morning -- it is HUGE and I am RESTRICTED to certain roadways like an 18 wheeler. SUPER BIG UPS to Kevondrala, J-Boogy, Trevenator, and Aarondrala (all of whom refuse to follow my tweets of the journey)for helping me get everything done. I am eternally grateful. I made it to Richmond as planned, the Super 8 on exit 82. Lives up to the online reviews I read. I am in love with the check-in man.

The cats did remarkably well for the vast majority of the trip. Early on however, Buddy, the big one and the one I expected to take it all in stride, FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, and started LITERALLY FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. Eventually I stopped at the first rest area on the turnpike (because I was about to piss my pants) and calmed him down a bit and then we were fine. Shortly before we got here he started up again, but now both he and Jackie are running free in the room, pretty chill, kind of fascinated with the place actually, though getting them back in the cages will be a nightmare in the morning I'm sure.

Well I show up at my friend B's tomorrow with the cats and everything I own and we'll see how this all goes. Right now I am both disgusting and exhausted and gonna fall out with these lovely animals of mine.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I am basically homeless come Saturday, while I should be well on my way to the Presidency

I am 15 years younger than Barack Obama and 12 years younger than Sarah Palin.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Bitch Got No Where To Live

I Got My Education - Uncanny Alliance

I have been Tweeting up a storm on Twitter. Thanks, Kelly, for one more thing to consume my time and force me to update constantly to keep like three people aware of my EVERY BREATH.

Well, shit fell through with the apartment I'm supposed to move into on Sunday because they LOST MY MONEY ORDERS and I in turn LOST MY SHIT and had them shred the whole damn lease and send me my $150 "administrative fee" back. Which they say they'll do. I spent a huge amount of time cancelling everything I had already set up and now me and two pissed off cats are looking for a place to live in Charlotte, North Carolina.

I got some tricks up my sleeve, but damn. I think it may be a blessing in disguise becuse the reviews of the complex online read: "Crime, Crime, Crime, Crime, Dangerous, Gun Shots, Crime, Crime..."

"Get away from my windshield! Tryna wash my windshield with that ole dirty water! Rollin' your eyes in the back of your head like you blind! You know you can see, gurl! Listen, I'll buy you a sandwich but I ain't givin' you no money...you might try to buy crack or somethin' with it."

Calgon, take me away.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Mrs. Freshley

Recently, I wrote about Joey and his delicious and addictive danishes.

Well I am here today to tell you about yet another business person using her baking skills to take over the world.

I am talking about the mysterious Mrs. Freshley, of course.



She bakes a mean cupcake, packages them in plastic serving trays in pairs, wraps them in celophane, and then serves them from shady bodegas from Maine to Mexico.

They are perfect, a little too perfect...they clearly contain illicit drugs.

Why, just look at this woman (from her actual website) who is ENTRANCED by the doughy goodness:



TELL ME that doughy goodness does not have a power over her that she can't control.

Me too, lady. Me too.

Monday, August 25, 2008

More Free Shit

Friends and neighbors, particularly ones who left me a nice note on my doorstep today, if you need any dishes, silverware, clothing, wall hangings, or a Darth Vader mask modeled here, please stop on by and loot.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Disclaimer: I could not care less about the Olympics

I agree that the IOC (I'm not even sure what that is) should STFU about Usain "Lightening" Bolt's supposed "over celebrating" and "disrespect" for his opponents. Dude had just won OLYMPIC GOLD, so it's kind of a big deal, you know?



Is his exciting over winning really any worse than THIS, which no one said a word about?

This is what welcomed me as I entered my work building this morning...

comforting to know the "Bed Bug Beagle" is on the scene...horrifying to know THEY ARE IN MY WORK BUILDING NOW TOO.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I Seen Beyonce at Burger King



I live for 2:40, where she's pattin' that weave.

[via Joe.My.God]

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"The enemy of art is what passes for good taste." --Walter Hill

Toss My Salad:



Lord.

I say entirely seriously that this could be played to acclaim in any gay dance club in the world.

Watch to the end for a little taste of Janet Jackson's salad.

[via Taylor Siluwe]

Krispy Kreme bacon cheddar cheeseburgers

The second comment says it all: "My heart attack just had a heart attack."

I would totally eat one, though.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Luv in every bite?

More like CRACK in every bite!



There is a magical, mythological man named Joey who puts out a line of celophane wrapped cheese danishes that come in a variety of flavors, most notably blueberry and strawberry. I am here to blow the whistle on Joey. these danishes are CLEARLY made of 90% transfat and 10% crack.

The package has microwave directions but they need no microwaving. The most delicious things you can buy for 99 cents in your local bodega, which will inevitably be short on stock but there is always at least one there waiting for you by the coffee pots, tempting you, taunting you, daring you to resist.

And you can't. Becuse they are decadant joy wrapped in a thin layer of plastic, the inside doughy goodness sticky and sweaty against the wrapper.

Oh Joey you bastard...I would rather be fat with you than slim without.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope

Two major issues in the move have come to a head as the time draws nigh. I need the advice of interweb viewers everywhere.

First: I have 3 large dressers that are pain-in-the-ass heavy. I am trying to give them away on Craigslist. Perhaps those of you who have experience with Craigslist know that there are a lot of flakes on there. I have some people I think lined up for the stuff, but already one visitor did not take me seriously when I said it is HEAVY and this young 50 pounds soaking wet girl shows up with some dude and declined. Anyway, it's for the taking if you are in the area and need some furniture. The tops of the dressers are "unfinished" but those cube things with shelves sit on top. This ain't Ikea, honey, this is 10,000 tons of storage. Just have some manpower (or womanpower, or dykepower preferably) and be ready for four flights of stairs. And have a big ass truck. Holla.

Two: The cats. Moving with the cats in a simple U-Haul (actually a Penske). I clearly can't put them in the back with the stuff, so they will be riding in front with me, in their little individual cat carriers. This is a nightmare waiting to happen. Some people say they will be so freaked out they won't #1 or #2, but I don't know...how do I address this issue, of feeding, watering, and allowing for natural biological processes? PLEASE give me some advice here.

Incidentally, the other day the man came to take the Murphy bed apart and I was helping him move the pieces to his truck. I left the door propped open and when I came back up I knew where the little one was hiding, but Fat Boy was no where to be found. Turns out he was in the crazy neighbors' with the semi-hot papa's apartment on the third floor. JUST CHILLIN. They got a kick out of it at least. He wouldn't really budge for them, but he came with me, making his funny little noise on the way back up to my apartment, as if to say, "What? I can't visit the neighbors?" He's the exploring spirit and I anticipate he will do ok on the move, it's the other one who is already nervousish and crazy and is GOING TO LOSE HER MIND OVER THIS.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Living in the Mall

I love this story of a couple who set up an apartment in a shopping mall, and the interest in the institution of the American mall and what it stands for.

"The mall has something really positive to offer, something that has nothing to do with shopping," Townsend told me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I don't know -- that's what I moved there to find out."

Like a dream I was not sure

Like a dream I was not sure
If I were asleep or awake.
And everything seemed so pure,
There were no mistakes to make.

The dark and dirty secrets of the fall
Cleared out with the summer sun.
Heavy eyelids but standing tall,
I had a little too much fun.

Love your life and live your wiles.
Eat and drink and burn your fire.
Highway 95 and hundreds of miles,
In your dreams you never get tired.

Happy Birthday Madonna

You know my feelings about this woman. I don't care what anybody says, how hard anyone disects or criticizes. I have loved Madonna from day one, and she has definatly influenced who I am. So there. Believe it.

This is an unreleased song from the Ray of Light era, a cover of the ABBA song, "Like an Angel Passing through My Room". I think it's beautiful. I get a little sentimental at the beautiful lyrics, her beautiful voice, and the little photo retrospective. And I'm not a sentimental person, like, at all.

Friday, August 15, 2008

You just can't do it.

Stick your right leg out and start making clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

Mission Impossible

I need advice.

There is this job that my former (two promotions back) supervisor has. A little recon mission (spying) has revealed to me that he has a new position, effective August 22. This will not public knowledge until Monday, but a bitch like me has her ear to the ground.

I just had my performance review, which was good, and I'm moving to Charlotte very, very soon. My boss made a joke at the end of my evaluation (but was completely serious of course) about how I better not "go" anywhere. Failures and bullshit complaints aside, they kind of need me desperately, let's be honest.

His position is located in New York and there has been a stink about another woman being "deployed" and in fact they made her ass move back to New York. In Charlotte I will not be technically "deployed" because I won't be working from home, I'll be working from the satellite office there.

Now the thing is, I WANT THAT MAN'S JOB. He has the NC portfolio among other places I'd like to have, and it's a position that I could so easily rock, I practically did it for two people when I was their assistant a few years back.

I know the powers that be would say, "You just moved to Charlotte. You have to stay in that position." But there must be some way for me to finagle getting that job and being "deployed". How do I breech this with my boss and the Big Boss (who has been in a pissy mood for like 4 months now). It may not be meant to be, but I'm on the case. Holla if ya hear me.

La Promenade Butch

French for The Butch Stroll.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Self Diagnosis is Easy

I know how this is.



[from Natalie Dee, who I found via Little Buggy Tongues]

"Anyone for scrabble?"

I have brilliant, terrifying and 100% correct insights into matters of grave significance, including but not limited to John Edwards' mistress, the Russian invasion of Georgia, the presidential candidates, and the energy crisis, but I simply do not have time to share them with you! I'm busy being a very busy beaurocrat for a very important religious organization.

However, I will give you some food for thought on the "social networking" destruction of the internet. Web 2.0 FTL!

Here is a list of words the internet killed.

And this is what Facebook in the Real World would be like:

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

And when you all start to miss me, oh just pass me the gun...

People ask me if I’m going to New York, and the answer is, “of course I will miss New York”. I have lived here for nearly nine years. That’s not a lot of time but it’s also an eternity. In nine years time, there has been hardly a day that I have not said, “Now, I’ve seen it all.” I’ve met important and fabulous people, I’ve made my routine, I’ve broken my routine, I’ve taken to stages and left a trail of destruction. I’ve gotten an education within the walls of one of the City’s and the world’s finest institutions of learning as well as outside those walls on dark and dirty streets at unheard of hours. I’ve learned that people sometimes come to New York for the excitement of it all, and to get their name out there in bright lights, but sometimes people come for the anonymity.

If you want to be a star, the Capital of the World is a good place to start. Yet, if you want to go unnoticed, there is no place to do it like a chaotic sea of eight million people. I’ll miss that anonymity to an extent. I’ll also miss that every day stage, the stepping out into a grand show that is happening all around you. Either route is an option for any day of the week. I worry that I won’t fit in in Charlotte. I don’t fit in anywhere…but no place is more comfortable for a misfit than New York City. I just can’t really abide by cliques, and my experience with North Carolina, especially the gay North Carolina, is that it’s cliquish. Add that to the fact that it’s kind of small in number and, to quote Heidi Klum, you’re either in, or you’re out. Charlotte is metropolitan, but not cosmopolitan. Look it up if you have to. Anyhoo, I’m sure I’ll find my niche, or dig one for myself.

Not to get too cheesy on your asses, but I feel a lot like the vampire Lestat, who, in the midst of the performance that was the pinnacle of his success as a rock star, knew when it was time to get off stage-- the sun was rising above. The sun has risen for me and it’s time to head back to the Motherland, the above notwithstanding.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Excitement.

They have the buffalo chicken wrap on the cafeteria menu today. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my week.

My former roommate owes me $291. Actually it's more than that, but that's what I'll settle for. How to go about collecting? I'm sure she's trying ot "forget".

Meanwhile, the thrift shop scheduled to pick up my furniture says that due to the four flights of stairs, the men doing the pickup may choose not to take the shit out of my apartment. I have a feeling they will choose not to do so. Exploring options.

Murphy bed for sale in NY -- inquire within.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Big Giveaway

Those of you in New York City in need of furniture (three dressers and two desks, small coffee table, 70's couch, bookshelves), random dishes/glasses/silverware, a small space heater, miscellaneous canned good and food-prep items, miscellaneous clothing items, and other things please let me know and arrange for pick up. Move time is drawing near.

"We are talking to Phil Collins's people, all right? But then again...aren't we all?"



You know, the sun is in your eyes
And hurricanes and rains
And black and cloudy skies.

You're running up and down that hill.
You turn it on and off at will.
There's nothing here to thrill
Or bring you down.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.

Oh Lady, luck has led you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up. I fear.

The pious, hateful and devout,
You're turning tricks til you're turned out,
The wind so cold it burns,
You're burning out and blowing round.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.

The fates are vicious and they're cruel.
You learn too late you've used two wishes like a fool

And then you're someone you are not,
And Junction City ain't the spot,
Remember Mrs. Lot
And when she turned around.
And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

Thursday, August 07, 2008

New Material from Jason Holliday


I have written before about Jason Holliday from Portrait of Jason and being in search of material about him. Well the internet reveals, via this post, that an audio CD is available from CD Baby featuring additional recordings of Jason's musings, including: "They talk about 'free love'...well it's the only kind I can afford!" I know that's right!

This lifted my spirits and made my day. Somebody buy this for me as a housewarming gift for my move!

From the CD Baby listing:

When the Clarke film was released, it was seen by fledgling recording engineer/record producer, Michael Rashkow. Captivated by the character, Rashkow set out to present Jason in a different persona---warm, fuzzy, funny and loveable--in a free wheeling comedy format on vinyl.

In those days, audio was edited with razor blades and splicing tape---with segments hung on the wall, coiled into boxes, or hand-spooled onto reels. It took months to construct and when the finished master was delivered to the record label which had agreed to release the LP, they walked away from the project. They wanted something dark and disturbing--like the film.

For the next 40 years that recording sat in a box. Nobody heard it and nobody cared. Rashkow retired in 2002 (and had long ago lost touch with Jason); but when he learned that Jason died in 1998 he felt determined to resurrect the project---and keep alive a legacy of Jason Holliday that the film didn't show.

So, the deteriorated 1/4 inch tapes from the 1960s were transferred to digital format; restored, re-edited, and enhanced by Rashkow on his home computer.

This CD is that finished recording. A labor of love and a piece of history. Jason lives--again. Dig him!


Indeed. Queens and queers of all stripes and abilities, Jason Holliday came before us all.

Here he is from Shirley Clarke's film..."What do you do for a living Jason?"



"One doctor the past couple of weeks keeps harpin on sex. Well sex is the thing I'm trying to forget! Because I've spent so much of my life being sexy, as you can see, that I havn't got anything else done! Ya dig? I've been ballin' from Maine to Mexico, I havn't got a dollar to show for it, but I had a swell time."

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Janice Dickinson, one of the world's most vile human beings,

ambushes Christopher Cicconne for a Q&A at his book signing for Life with My Sister Madonna.



No he does not read Madge on IKEA!

This actually fuels my interest and obsession with the subject matter.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Back in Town

I'm back in New York. That was a long trip to Charlotte. I found an apartment. I worked. I spent a goddamned fortune.

I have let a large part of this day just waste away. Back to the office tomorrow, which I dread, and which will take all I've got to get there and through the day. My boss is in town this week, so there's no rolling in late. We'll see how that works out.

I have lists out the wazoo with nothing checked off. Time's a 'ticking. The move is imminent. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown between everything, everything that everybody is tired of hearing about.

Friday, August 01, 2008

I blame Tyra Banks

After the success of America's Next Top Model, a vapid show filled with ridiculous people that I admittedly like to watch, there are over 1,000 "modelling competition" shows on television, and Tyra Banks has seen to it that half of the America population is convinced that they are indeed America's Next Top Model. Have you seen any internet "profiles" lately, from MySpace to personals sites? A digital camera and a touch of anorexia does not a model make.