On April 16 I turned 33 years old. My boss told me that that was how old Jesus was when he ascended into Heaven. I said, “I don’t think I’ve made quite the same impact in my 33 years.” I’m trying though, you know? Not to be the founder of a major religion and human embodiment of deity, just to be a half way decent person and pay my bills on time.
I’m sitting here in my office surrounded by stacks of paper and tons of work and I don’t know where to begin. I’m in the wrong line of work. I’m not one for starting “movements”, at least not movements like this, about this subject matter, for these constituents. I’m lost and I’m really terrified of the future, the fact that no one’s ever going to pay me what these people pay and they might not be paying me too much longer. There’s lots of flux at the headquarters in NY and change is on the horizon. We are unsure what this means for us down here. I hate uncertainty and the future is always uncertain, so do I hate the future? In the immortal words of Captain Catherine Janeway, “The past is the future, the future is the past, it all gives me a headache.” Just, just, just…what am I supposed to be doing with my life? I can’t even keep the house in order and the laundry done up, I am AMAZED that I’ve been able to earn a living all these years.
I took Thursday and Friday off for my birthday, and partied up a little bit. Last night against my better judgment I went out to ye olde gay bar with Booga knowing it was a work night, but still turned it out. It was a night of meet and greet I guess, as Boog first ran into some old friends of hers. While they were standing aside I made my way back to the bar and I ran into this little guy M that I met back in January. One of those “online” people because I apparently live in cyberspace. Anyway we had hung out at my house and had a great time, and then I just didn’t hear much more from him, and slowly my stalker/researcher instincts faded. This kid is absolutely beautiful to me. Just all around perfect and I’m easy prey, because I’m easily infatuated with such beauty. I had all but forgotten about him, until last night. Of course he probably doesn’t even know my name, but he did approach for the handshake and greeting…and then asked me to buy him a drink. The story of my life, or chapter one at least. I of course did, and told him I’d catch him later, not wanting to seem too damn thirsty for some attention and affection, and I made my rounds back up to my people in the rafters. A drag show was commencing.
The night wore on and Boog interacted with M. She wanted to know if he knew any strait people. He said he did, a DRUG DEALER and this spiraled into the potential quest to purchase extacy which was shot down and as I was leaving I saw M, and I told him he can send me a message sometime. He said he would.
Leaving, but not left yet, we re-engage the bar. I dance a little, Boog meets a man (in the sea of homosexuality she finds the one cute heterosexual, and me and his strait homegirl chit chat on the pool tables). I then had a random run in with J, with whom I go way back, another “online” person, a dancer from LA. It was serendipity maybe. I did an improve performance of “Halo” and then as quickly as we had arrived, the lights came on.
He rolled on back to the crib in my pickup truck with me and Boog, and I fell out hard. Now I’m here at work, after having called in earlier to say that I was “sick” which I hope with my late arrival is not obviously “hung over”. I think I said something about “migraines” and “vomiting”. I’m a liar.
J is cute and all but he’s not the one. It was innocent between us, he’s sweet enough, he’s just not … something. I have also been spending time with a little guy H who I really like a lot but he might be more my buddy than anything more than that, even though I could see him either way. H texted me today: “I dnt wna b single”
To which I replied, “Me either but I think I’m a lost cause.”
“Y u say that”
“Because I am neurotic, hyper-emotional, ugly, and a slut. lol”
I’d type out the rest of it but I’m boring even myself now, and that about sums up my opinion of myself lately, although I’d add “useless” to the mix. And at the same time I am self absorbed and narcissistic and preoccupied with my own contentment so much that I can’t just be content anymore. I’m 33, and like Jesus, I am the embodiment of something, only not divinity or holiness or God, just complexity and contradictions and interpersonal confusion.
More later. xoxo