Monday, November 29, 2010

WoW World of Warcraft Downloader Connection Timed Out

If you're having this problem, you have to totally uninstall McAfee. It's what worked for me as suggested by the blue posts on the old official WoW forums.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I can't stand the rain.

Actually I don't mind the rain in theory but it does concern me when there are torrential downpours, like right now. This old house is not equipped. Here's hoping that sump pump goes into overdrive and the gutters can route the water away...although I know they are struggling and doing a half ass job.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What should one do in this case...?

So the new job is going great. However something is weighing on my mind a bit.

Before I left the last job, I went through the background check process with them, and the company sent me the completed background check (as requested). They checked every county I had had a residence in, and I didn't have a record in any of those counties. However, there was a note that a county that was not checked may have a record. That was the county in which I had had a ticket for speeding and reckless driving. Apparently the company didn't care to find out what it was and I passed and got the job (which I didn't take in the end). It's just traffic anyway, but I'm alarmed that it is on there, and that it doesn't instead just say what it was reduced to!

Anyway, so this new job involves background checks. I of course went through one to get the job. However I didn't get it sent like the last time. What happens is if there's anything fishy on your background check, it goes to a higher up to say it's ok or it's not ok (in which case you don't get the job). Well I took the, um, liberty of looking up my own background check. I mean it's my background information so... I discovered that I had been sent to the big boss to approve! And the traffic thing above didn't even show up, but rather a "trespassing" misdemeanor I had from FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!

It was dismissed but it still showed up, even as "dismissed," the information is there. I had forgotten entirely about it (I was peeing in a parking lot and before I got back in the car the cops pulled up and said I was trespassing since it was after store hours. Sigh.) Of course the big boss approved it stating "not work related", and I never heard a thing about it from her or anyone. However it freaks me out that that is out there on my record for any kind of future need to be screened and what if she had decided to not hire me since I didn't disclose? Something that was supposed to be "dismissed" or "reduced", I'm not sure.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I'm just an old hippy at heart.

I had a great weekend, after an episode at work on Friday where suddenly and without warning a huge blind spot appeared in my vision and I was momentarily partially blinded. It was very disconcerting, especially with the guy who is training me directing me to do things and unbeknownst to him I suddenly can't see. I carried through and before the day ended I explained to him and the woman that sits behind me (at that point I still could not see, but I could see enough to tell they were looking at me like I'd lost my mind). Anyway it passed thankfully and has not returned but I made the mistake of Googling this symptom upon which I discovered it is indicative of a DETACHED RETINA and I need to seek immediate eye care or else permantly lose my eye site.

I however have to put this off until November when my health insurance kicks in. I've been obsessing over it, as it is a new symptom that has emerged. The others of which are a) sudden panic while driving on the highway that I am going to lose control of the vehicle, b) a surge of terror that awakens me right when I'm falling asleep repeatedly throughout the night, c) an aneurysm-like headache in my temple, and d) feeling like I'm suddenly going to erupt in profanity and racial epitaphs against my will when in business meetings. I am clearly losing what's left of my mind.

But I digress. The weekend was great. As previously reported, Jacqueline Susann, a great cat, was relocated to a former co-workers home. On Friday, Jo Jo K made a pilgrimage to North Carolin to collect Buddy Budro Wilson, to return him to his Queens roots. I had to get these cats into the hands of suitable parents as I am unfit to mother any other living being. I had to find them homes before the state got involved. Jo Jo is perfect for Budro because he was her mother's cat and she has known and loved him for many years, and he is just all you could ever ask for in a cat. So Pam Damn arrived on Saturday to assist in their long voyage back. While they were here we ate bar-b-que (as requested), went to the Epicentre (they were not impressed), and discovered Yesteryear's Pub which is the most surreal and wonderful place, with the most unexpected mix of people, kareoke, cheap drinks, and general everyone-is-welcome spirit. This morning after they obtained their rental care we ate breakfast at a Shoney's, and I am not sure I've ever been to a Shoney's, at least not in the last 30 years.

Budro has taken many car trips in his day and I received reports from the ladies that, as per usual, he vomited shortly after getting on the road and began foaming at the mouth. But once he gets used to the car motion he calms down, gives in, and naps. Budro is known to turn to food and sleep in stressful situations which is why he is a cat after my own heart.

Then tonight I picked up a friend from highschool that I have not seen in 16 years. We went to an opera recital and reception because I'm CLASSY. It was lovely. I ran into a woman I know and it was an awkward moment when she was reminding me who she was because the night I met her she and her cohorts kept pouring liquor down my throat. But anyway...I remembered in the end and it was good to see her and my friends in the Opera.

So now I am off to bed as the workweek awaits! Here's hoping my vision and mental health can hold on till another Friday arrives.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I quit my job.

But I have another one lined up. I'm excited. I get some free time. I'm back to work on September 7th and I'm trying to be productive.

I thought that a trip to NYC was in the works, but maybe not. One of my two cats may be going to a new home there. The other cat has to find a placement first, however. I love those cats but they need each other, or if not each other than a human who can give them a little more attention and devotion. They're healthy and happy so don't get the wrong idea. I'm just an unfit mother.

I took my sleeping potion earlier and laid down but I just couldn't sleep so I'm up and at 'em. I'm headed back in a few. I have a lot on my mind.

I am worried about my health as of late. I've been having weird sensations that are not unpleasant, but unexpected. Step one would be quit smoking but I've increased my intake if anything.

I never mentioned it because I knew I wouldn't live up to it, but a resolution of mine earlier this year was to post at least one thing per week on The Butch Stroll about a current event, something in the news, or either a story from my own life (basically, post once a week in the categories I'm known to post in). Just for my own mental health, to be letting things out from my own little outlet I have here. I sometimes just have overload. I'm twittered and facebooked and tumblered and bloggered and emailed out. But here I can at least practice writing, share freely, and maybe start the wheels turning to create something in the near future.

I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I say I'm going to every year. This year though is the year.

At my most uninspired point I look ahead and see an oasis of inspiration forthcoming. Over and out for tonight.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I got nothing.

Been spending way too much time innocently stalking certain men, thinking about dead people and my own mortality, and trying to get this new job.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Michel Buble & Naturally 7

Last night, of all things, I went to a Michael Buble concert (friend of a friend gave us Founders Area seats). Now Buble is not my thing, but I have to say he is quite charming and talented, and does put on a good show. I enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed his opening act, Naturally 7, who I had seen years before on the Tonight Show or some such. Their instrumentation is all "vocal play", meaning the sounds of guitars, drums, horns, etc, are all from their voices. They would be great just singing, but the "vocal play" is actually pretty amazing. I considered throwing my panties on stage.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


There is a lot of speculation about what happened to Mitchell, but to me it is pretty clear now. My first instinct was to think that he ended his own life somehow. He had broken up with his boyfriend and had generally had struggles with depression and anxiety, among his health problems including but not limited to HIV. Now that his final affairs are coming to a close I realize that Mitch was far to narcissistic to ever kill himself. I think that the wear and tear on his body from degenerative disc disease, and a plethora of medications for all sorts of ailments including Adderal, became too much for his body to handle and his heart stopped. This is what his family believes and what I believe and either way, it’s very sad.

Mitch had his ups and downs. In NYC we shared that apartment, The Compound, and he would open its doors to anyone who needed a place to stay. It was truly, at times, a boarding house for the wayward, and for any amount of selfishness he displayed there was an equal amount of generosity. He was generous to a fault.

In our last conversations I encouraged him not to lose ground in his struggles with drugs and his health as the result of some stupid boy. He took that to heart. I reminded him that he was a whole person and anytime he felt lonely to remember that he was not alone.

When I moved back to North Carolina he moved back to New York. The distance and my own busy life caused me to neglect his calls sometimes, to go periods without reaching out. But when we communicated, Mitch listened to all the ins and outs of my life, and there are things about which I could only talk to Mitch, as only Mitch would understand. Despite our disagreements on certain things, Mitch was one person I could count on to know where I was coming from in what I expected and wanted from the world. Even when I was appalled by him (“MITCH!”) I knew that we had far more in common than our differences. And he loved me for both commonalities and differences, and I him.

Mitch had been on a search for meaning in his life, he searched for God and spirituality and love. I wish that he could see how loved he was, how many people have reached out to his family. How many people will be at his memorial service tonight.

My mom informed me: “It’s going around he had AIDS. Do you know?” This of course rubs me all kinds of wrong ways. First the ignorance of what AIDS is versus HIV. They are not interchangeable terms. Second, the fact that this “rumor” is “going around.” Mitch had no secrets and was pretty open about his HIV status. So while people may be gossiping about the dead, whispering that he was infected with a disease, the fact is it was no secret and while a source of conflict and suffering for him, not a source of shame.

In the South, society deems few things worse than being queer. One of those things is being a “queer with AIDS”.

I told my mom that being HIV positive does not make someone a bad person. I told her that it bothers me that people, even people close to the family, would be whispering about this when Mitch would speak about it at regular conversational volume. Unlike Mitch I have to leave well enough alone, though. I didn’t want to get into it further, for any question to turn to my obvious sexuality, or for her or anyone to say something stupid along the lines of myself being in danger by breathing his same air.

Meanwhile Mitch’s family didn’t really hear me when I shared that he was a member of the MCC in Winston Salem. They wanted the pastor at the service to be one who knew Mitch, so they got one who pastured at their church when he was a child. Nevermind that he had a pastor in Winston more recently, and many friends in that congregation, all of whom will attend his service. It would be pointless for me to advocate for something different than what they are going to do.

In Mitch’s honor I am going to make an effort to do something that he did with his family: set the precedent that I will not avoid, deny, or be silent about who I am. I told Mitch I admired that about him, whereas I have allowed there to be something easier for me, just not talking about who I am, what my views are, and how I live my life.

Mitch had his flaws, his mistakes, and his moments as we all do. In the end though I will remember him as someone who loved people, easily made friends, and made me laugh.

At his service tonight I will make sure that we are not honoring the wrong person.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

RIP Mitch

RIP my cousin and friend Mitchell "Luna", affectionately known as Lito on these pages.

"Time is the fire in which we burn."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Jennifer Saunders has a running gag in her shows, that she explains in the DVD commentary for Absolutely Fabulous, that involves the word "sparkle."

Beginning tomorrow this is my new approach.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

“A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.” - Lao Tzu

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dreaming of Liza

Last night I had a dream that I was a close personal friend of Liza Minelli, who invited me to her New York penthouse to hang out for a while. While I was there she had a business meeting with a New York financier and she insisted that I attend with her. So I did, and Liza decided to mix business with pleasure -- lots of drinking and partying all over the City. The financier was a stranger to me in the dream, but had the appearance of my brother's girlfriend's mother's boyfriend. Liza had a liaison with him, and once business and partying was over, the two of them decided that enough was enough, they wouldn't need to keep contact. It was fabulous, for a fucked up crazy ass dream.

Also, this guy that works at my company that I see at the gay bar every once in a while who I am TOTALLY hot for had an appearance but I don't remember much about that part.

Dr. Freud? Anything? Anything?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Zen Habits

My two new favorite websites are Zen Habits and Mnmlist. I can't believe I didn't discover them sooner as they are wildly popular. They are both created by the same dude, who lives in Guam of all places if he hasn't moved to San Francisco yet. Anyway, they are filled with good information, simple tips on happiness and a more fulfilling life. Sounds like the stuff eye rolling is made of but I totally buy into it and love hearing it from someone who does not come across as high-and-mighty or douchy.

And truth be told, most of it is stuff that I've really tried to do in my life, believe it or not. Of course I've failed a lot, but I'm making it my New Year's resolution (New Week's Resolution, since I actually started on Monday) to Do Something Productive Every Day. This will keep me from wasting time and being a sloth and in the long run will generate more positive habits. I'll work my way up to that Quit Smoking goal. I'll be working on productivity and creativity. In the meantime, I will be working on living with what I have and making the most out of that, which is plenty.

Friday, June 04, 2010

RIP Rue McClanahan

It's a sad day. In memory of Rue, here is a collection from her most famous role of The Best (and Worst) of Blanche Devereaux.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Monkeys Banging Cans Together and Hitting Hard

I spent a lot of the day in bed, until about 1:40, at which point I dragged my ass up and proceeded to spend hours doing nothing and "getting ready". I went looking like a homeless person to Lupie's where I engorged myself on food and then swung by the ole Food Lion for the weeks lunch items. Since it has been raining profusely I have not gotten around to cutting the grass. The gutters are cleaned, though, and even still one of them leaks. This week I will have to find the time to push the mower around and stir up a tsunami of caulk and sealants. It's always something.

Tomorrow is my return to the workplace, my schedule has returned to "normal business hours", and I kind of dread it. I had my monthly "review" last week and my boss, who I am convinced is full of lies about where I'm headed there, could not let me out from under her wing without putting a scar on my papers (she will no longer be my boss upon my return as I move on to train for something else, with the "I'll believe it when it happens" promise from her that I'm intended to end up on the new project. My endless stack of papers that the corporate world keeps, tracking every time you take a piss or don't send an email that you did.

I've been depressed. I do try to think about the positive things. I try to take the advice of "three simple steps" from Ralph Martson. I just can't find the thing that I'm supposed to be good at and I can't avoid being distracted. I have a hard time mustering productivity in my daily life. I'm very concerned about work, and as a result, money. Both the stock market and the housing market have made me even poorer lately. My coins are oil and my life is the BP oil leak: I try to clog it up with a bunch of shit but nothing really works yet. I need to find a new avenue to fulfillment and security.

Owning my house is a wonderful part of my life. Despite the constant need for maintenance inside and out, I take pleasure in having it and keeping up with everything. I like the yard work, and I like cleaning. You can see your progress as you go. In most areas of life I can't. I can't see any progress or any going. That said owning this house anchors me in Charlotte in a way I've never been anchored anywhere. My horoscope (no, I don't believe in astrology) today said something about missing freedom that struck a nerve. I had just been talking about how I miss the freedom of not owning a giant hunk of bricks. I saw Sex and the City 2 over the weekend and though it was the empty, misleading burst of color and fashion that I expected, it did make me miss New York City. There's a lot I don't miss but the big thing I regret is leaving behind all those options.

In addition to Ralph's advice, I'm trying to incorporate a new philosophy. In the game of pool there is a saying that, "if you can't hit well, hit hard." If there's nothing that I'm really "called" to do, no passion of my own, no one true talent that pushes me to go on daily, then I'm just gonna start hitting hard. God knows it works wonders for some, who, like one of Jane Goodall's monkeys, get to the top by convincing everyone they're confident and making a lot of noise banging kerosene cans together.

The little spider in the bed of my truck was just gone today. The torrential downpours lately, the flying around in the bed of a pickup at 70 miles per hour, the high winds of the thunderstorms -- these things could not move the little spider. But of its own accord, it just abandoned it's home there and went somewhere else. Oh to be able to do that in my own life.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Tumblr Photo

Here is a little info and a picture of a rather peculiar spider in my truck.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

RIP Gary Coleman

Growing up, I loved Different Strokes in reruns. Gary Coleman as Arnold was indeed the centerpiece of the show and his cuteness and comedic timing is what made it a success. These thoughts on Gary Coleman might seem melodramatic, but I did feel a sense of pity for Gary Coleman as a public figure, and a wish that he would be able to gain a level of respect for what he was doing.

Gary Coleman’s life had a trajectory that was similar to his TV siblings, Todd Bridges and Dana Plato. He was hugely successful, famous and adored at a very young age, and once the vehicle for his success (the show) ended, there was no where really to go but down. For the rest of his life he could not get a break, and was the butt of many jokes. His small stature didn’t help. It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to see that his life following his television fame was confused and depressed. What becomes of someone whose only success was during childhood? Hollywood and the community of the famous and beautiful can be cruel. If you’re among it but not a part of it you’re nothing. But if you are a part of it and suddenly no longer a part of it, you may feel worse than nothing. It can also be deeply damaging for everyone in the whole world to expect you to be a perpetual child, and for more powerful people in show business to exploit that for reality TV and gonzo style programming. He said when he was running for Governor of California, "I want to escape that legacy of Arnold Jackson. I'm someone more. It would be nice if the world thought of me as something more." But the press and the public had a hard time doing that.

I remember some kind of “where are they now” feature on VH1 several years ago, and one of the topics was David Lee Roth. He was preparing to be interviewed and the cameras captured him realizing that the show was not a mechanism for praise, but rather a collection of nostalgia. He said something along the lines of, “Oh, this is one of those things about people who are old and washed up?” And upon realizing that, even though it may have been an exaggeration, he was out. End of interview, mic removed, walking off stage. It was a telling moment, as if to say, Even if I’m not a superstar anymore, I’ll be damned if you’re not going to treat me like one. Roth went on in recent years to find success on radio and even as a medic, and I do think he’s found his place and a comfort level many years after his run as a rock star.

I think Gary tried to reach that point too. He had some regular jobs, but was always lured back by gigs that were inevitably going to mock him as the man-child, forever attached to the phrase “Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis?”

I think that his appearance on The Surreal Life gave a real glimpse into who he was and what he went through in his life after Different Strokes. In one episode, his co-star on the series, Vanilla Ice, is imploring him to say that famous catch phrase when Todd Bridges is spotted in the restaurant where they are working as part of the show. Vanilla Ice gets more and more animated, egging the crowd on to engage in the mockery of Gary, and growing increasingly mean spirited about it. (Deflect much?) Gary stayed calm, tried to brush it off and let the engagement die down, but Vanilla Ice wouldn’t let up. I don’t recall if Gary gave in and did it in the end just to shut him up, but I think he did.

During the whole thing I felt angered for Gary Coleman. I wanted him to express some of that legendary anger that he was said to have exhibited in his adulthood. I wanted him to remind Vanilla Ice that HE IS HAS BEEN TOO and that at least Gary, whatever he was, was never a phony and a fraud.

But that’s not what happened and with his life ending young I don’t think he ever got a chance to express what it was really like to go from 0 to 42 being Gary. I do hope that those who knew and loved him find comfort, and I hope that his moments of self worth and confidence outweighed the moments of feeling failed.

These are just my thoughts on Gary Coleman. RIP.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Stream of Unconsciousness

Off two days next week which is a blessing and a curse. Then I return to the team for an old client, working with their employees, all of whom are burned out and pissed off. The work will be about their defined contribution plans (aka 401k's) so they will be even more pissed off, since they, like me, are no doubt losing huge chunks of their money.

I need a major, positive life changing event. But what? I feel deterioration. I feel like I'm 100 years old. How do I snap out of this and get pull my life together? I also need people to stop riding my dick about wanting me to do things with them that I can't afford to do (or in some cases just don't want to do). My efforts this long weeekend will be to do everything I need to do for me and my environment and practice some mantras regarding being of value and worth lol.

Both of my parental units will be retired this week. I have them on the brain, hoping they live long and healthy and enjoy their retirements.

I'm going to get ready and head to work. I have my monthly "review" today. Another 30 minutes of waste at Micromanagement Incorporated. If I hear the woman that sits beside me say how she's a "high performer" and all the ass kissing she gets and pushes towards management, I might lose it. I'm surrounded by mostly delusional overpraised idiots who are fitting right in. I on the other hand have seen a little struggle because I have been having a bought of diarrhea of the mouth and unsolicited honesty as of late. Anyhoo.

Maybe Monday or Tuesday I will take a secret trip to the beach, not tell anyone, leave my cell phone behind, and just get my solitude on by the coast. Or maybe I will start NaNoWriMo five months early. Who knows? Perhaps the world is mine. The impoverished, near homelessness, defeated, tired, old aged world.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010


The market is nosediving again and home prices are down a lot. I am just sitting here on my ass getting poorer.

What should I do with that old 401k (which is actually a 403b)? I'm going with the age old wisdom of leave it alone and let the market recover unless you have better advice. As for the house, all I can do is try to keep it from collapsing around me...big ambitions for the weekend as a homeowner. I need a staff.

Of to work the late shift here in a few.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Professions I Should Have Chosen

People often ask me what is it that I "really want to do" or what is my "real passion in life".

Well first off my passions in life are things that aren't going to earn a living, many of which could possibly result in jail time. Secondly, the things that I "really want to do" are lines of work that I'm probably not going to ace the interview for.

Here is my list of professions I think I would enjoy and be awesome at.

1. Spy
2. Private Investigator
3. Counselor of some sort (the best professional counselors are a little crazy themselves)
4. Celebrity PR (tell those bitches what to say/do in regards to scandals)
5. Repo man
6. The interventionist on Hoarders (though first site of a bedbug and I'm OUT, and I would have limited patience with resistance to throwing things away)

More to come on this list.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Gulf Oil Spill

Lots of unfortunate politicing around the matter, when the focus should of course be on, you know, saving the planet.

It's 2500 square miles (at least) and growing. Just so saddening and frightening. I hate to be a pessimist but I don't have much faith in the activities to stop the flow. I do hope they can.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I know this is late

as "Telephone" and all the parodies have been around for a while now. I tweeted this a while back but wanted to put it here because it is such an awesome (re)take on the "Telephone" madness.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Speaking of work, this is my typical customer...

"Did you know I'm a computer whisperer?" LOL

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

The Internet and its End Users and Knowing the Fights

I met with my former boss for lunch today, to catch up on things. We were talking about our next steps since we've both left our mark at the former organization, and I was talking about my current job and what I'd like to do. Ideally, I could find a job that incorporates my technical skills with my soft skills. Something in "training" would be ideal. Lately some opportunities have been opening up and I'm hoping something good pans out so I can escape my curren sweat-shop-meets-prison work environment.

The current job involves a lot of callers who really have no idea how to operate a simple website. Many companies these days require that you do certain human resources functions online, like sign up for your benefits or report your sick days. You know you have a long call ahead of you when you ask "Are you using a Mac?" and the answer is "I have no idea." For example. It's a damn shame. Don't even get me started on trying to define and explain web browsers and why they need to be using one instead of another. I am definitely not a developer or a computer programmer, but I thank my lucky stars that I kind of have an intuition about technology and some good skills with operating such. Life would be more difficult if I did not, and these days, if you ask me, having and using internet access is akin to needing to have and knowing how to use a fucking telephone.

I'm of the age that I remember a time when there was no internet. I'm fortunate to have grown up in a time that saw the introduction of the home computer and its development up to this point, alongside email, the internet, and other technologies such as smart phones (which I have never owned but think I could manage to figure out if I did get my hands on one).

For the callers, though, I just wonder how you can possibly be born after 1980 and not know the difference between the address bar and the search box. Or how you have made it through life this far without understanding a registration and login process. The older you are, the more sympathy I have for you.

The older callers, in their fifties and sixties, who just don't get it and need a literal step by step walk through, are usually very nice and so grateful that someone is helping them figure it out.

I look at them and think about myself, and how I keep up with technology, and what's new, and what's the next big thing. I really hope that there does not come a time when I fall out of the loop, the next important consumer technology comes out, and I have to ask my friend's kids how the fuck to use it. Or to do things on it for me.

Strangely, World of Warcraft can make me feel like this which is why I abandoned Azeroth. Enough with fifteen year olds yelling at me over a Ventrilo connection because I "don't know the fights".

Sunday, May 02, 2010

For most of my life I have been a dumb horse

chasing a carrot on a stick.

Friday, April 23, 2010


I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, and I in fact like lesbians a lot and relate to them in many ways, but I am not one. I get so many hits here from being linked by "all lesbian" blogrolls, and I love being linked and am honored to be in good company, but I'm not a lesbian. CLEARLY the word "butch" is leading people to this assumption. I am a gay man in my 30's who is 29.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Butch Stroll in Overtime

My job is based on micromanagement. Since day one, most of the people doing the "grunt work" are contractors from the temp agency, and they have been weeding them out from day one. I have held on and survived to this point, and am in the group that is considered "ongoing". So I've proven something, I guess.

My boss now does our weekly reviews and for everything I do not get the highest mark but "satisfactory". She's constantly stating how I can get to the next level, which, whatever. While she was on vacation last week the fill-in for her did our reviews. I scored over the top. So, suffice it to say the boss is just a tough grader.

We go by these systems that measure certain aspects of how we spend our time, and if they're off -- they're always off becuase of schedule changes and system updates -- then we're supposed to send her the explanation within a tight time frame. I, of course, comply with this.

While she was on vacation, I sent one of these emails a day after the fact because the system wasn't even updated to show ANY information. I sent it to everyone I'm supposed to and copied her, even though she wasn't in the office.

Today, same thing: sent her an update a day late becuase the system wasn't even available to check on the actual day.

I get this reply from her shortly after about how I'm not "meeting the expectations" because it was not sent RIGHT THEN and all this other jargon and jibberish about my "competencies" being effected during the monthly review (they do constant reviews).

I replied to her explaining, but I had replied thinking that she had replied to my most recent email but it was about the one last week when she wasn't even there. So I goofed at firing off an email including my subtle yet bitchy tone, just like her email contained.

I explained in person to her that I thought she had replied to the other email, and she was listening to something else so I said nevermind and now I'm all like fuck it.

The point is she's hot and cold, extremely moody and I just don't get the whole bitch face attitude from her on a daily basis. I mean, you got the job honey. Chill out.

But what sucks I still have to go on smiling and nodding at anything that comes up in my reviews because she has the power to make things happen or not happen, and I want to succeed while I have to be there even though I am on a frantic yet half hearted search for something else. Half hearted because the job search is getting depressing.

Meanwhile I have volunteered for every waking hour of overtime I can get while it's available because it won't always be when things slow down. I know I am going to regret this after working seven days this week, with several of those days being twelve hour days. WTF am I thinking. I need the money so desperately though especially after the Car Robbery Incident of 2010. I'm getting the window fixed tomorrow though and thankfully the insurance will cover it at 100%.

I need a big change. I have invites to Texas and New York and I would love to escape but I'm gonna need money and time off both of which are hard to come by. So we'll see.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A Bitch Has Been Through It

Lord. Sunday night I went out to ye olde gay bar, Scorpios, to celebrate my birthday which was Friday, and when I was coming out to my truck there was a slew of police in the parking lot. I thought there must have been a fight or something. Turns out, like fifteen cars had been busted into, and to my horror I found that my passenger window had been smashed in and my car rummaged through. Usually there is nothing of value in there, as I have nothing of value to begin with, but I did leave my wallet in the glove box and it was one of the ultra rare times that it was filled with money. So I'm out of a wallet, a window, three hundred bucks, and my dignity at having to explain to my father (who technically owns the truck) that the vehicle was burglarized in the parking lot of a GAY BAR on a SUNDAY NIGHT.

At least I wasn't shit faced drunk rolling up on the cops like that. Also, totally would have slept with one of them but that's beside the point. The insurance is covering the window replacement, so until they send the mobile service to the house tomorrow, I'm gonna be riding around like true white trash: in a dirty pick up truck with a plastic bag window that makes an ear piercing noise flapping in the wind.

Now the bright side of this is that at least the thieves had the decency not to tear anything up just to be mean. But they totally hit the jackpot with me and the amount of cash they got off with. They left behind my walkman style CD player because, depending on how old they were, they might not have even known what it was.

I've been working mad overtime at work, taking it while it's available, and it's a good thing considering I am impoverished and have some more repairs to do to the house alongside paying the mortgage and trying to eat at least one meal per day. I'm still looking for my dream job. In the meantime, I'm mostly on the late shift taking your calls and listening to you mindlessly bitch like I make the rules and of course founded the damn company. If you know nothing else about the call center you're calling please understand that the representative you reach is about as low on the totem pole as you can go. When you ask them "Why are yall doing ______ ?" they aren't in fact doing that, and they probably don't know why it's being done for that matter.

Anyhoo, more later from the pit of despair.

Friday, April 02, 2010

So the Pope is supposed to be errorless on matters of faith and morality,

so who knew he has a personal preacher? A personal preacher who led a sermon for the pope and others in which he compared the "collective violence" against the pope and the Catholic Church to the Holocaust. You can't make this stuff up.

I find the Pope and his ilk ridiculous and discusting, and the attempt of these powers that be to make themselves out as the victims here, is infuriorating. To claim that exposing widespread sexual violence against children is "violence" against the Church is akin to a rapists making themselves out as victims because the raped asked for it. The pope is a head of state in his little city of Catholic beaurocrats crying, alongside his personal preacher, because the media is picking on him. Waaah! If an injured reputation was anything like anti-Semitism, I'd have a museum dedicated to me in Germany.

This quote is all that is to be said on the matter:

"The pope is not the victim here, nor is the church hierarchy," said David Clohessy, who is an advocate for victims and who experienced alleged abuses by a priest as a boy. "The victims are the boys and girls being sexually assaulted by priests, nuns, seminarians."

The pope has previously blamed "gay culture" for the global abuse scandal, which is ridiculous for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that "gay culture" is in general not manifested in churches. I mean I went to Limelight a couple of times, but there weren't any priests there taking confessions. And don't get me started on the practice of confession.

On a final note, another thing I'm sick of hearing is that this has anything to do with the fact that priests can't marry. They can very damn well marry, they just can't be priests anymore if they do. Furthermore there are plenty of people who aren't getting any pussy, from their wives or elsewhere, who aren't raping little boys as a result. Why, instead of blaming this on the mainstream or on gay culture, aren't they blaming this on the culture of power over the faithful that they've been building on since day one?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sassy Gay Friend Saves Juliet


Madonna Vs. Gaga

Lady Gaga has already made a name for herself in the popular culture, drawing the commentary of nearly everyone including academics and other smart people, particularly with her recently released video collaboration with Beyonce, “Telephone”. What does it all mean? they’ve asked. “Deconstructions” and analysis have ran rampant on the interwebs to the benefit of Gaga, who has encouraged her fans to find the secret messages as she kisses a butch lesbian and mass poisons a diner’s clientele while she and Beyonce dance in US flag themed costumes and escape in Tarantino’s Pussy Wagon. See my previous post for some good commentary on the imagery.

I love Lady Gaga. I think she’s brilliant, and the way she’s crafted her persona and her image is something new and even daring. She’s an obviously attractive woman, but no more remarkable in “good looks” than a lot of women. A lot of her “looks” have her face completely hidden, and whether she’s wearing a giant diamond lobster on her forehead or covered in muppets, it’s clear she’s heavily invested in fashion yet not tied down by having to be “sexy”, even though at another turn she might be in a bathing suit writhing on the bars of a prison cell. She has taken the theme of woman as monster and ran with it. I love anyone who’s a little bit futuristic monster, and a whole lot subversive. I also love anyone who, when receiving a reward, plays into the cliché of award-winners thanking a higher power for their success, and mocks it, by thanking “God and the gays”.

There is another pop star that embraced the gays from day one, and among all the commentary on Gaga, there’s frequent mention of that icon, her music and music video imagery – Madonna. What has disturbed me is the refrain that Gaga is doing something that requires examination and analysis, and Madonna is not. Now, I’m a little bit older (JUST A LITTLE) than the average YouTube viewer or Gaga mega fan, and I’m here to attest that when Madonna started out and within a few years became arguable the most famous woman in the world, the anticipation of her fanbase and the buzz surrounding her next moves felt exactly like it feels surrounding Gaga.

I have to shout out to the internet that in fact Madonna started putting out a product that invited discussion and critique 30 years ago. From her days of Like A Virgin, though the amazing Like A Prayer, into her self-admittedly darker period of Erotica and the infamous Sex book, into the low-sales point of American Life and it’s original banned video about war and fashion, into her current leotard-wearing period and worldwide sold out stadium tour for Hard Candy, Madonna has been “pushing the envelope” (at one time her favorite interview phrase) . When a feminist who’s blogged opinions I deeply respect suggests that the video for “Love Game” is a representation of unapologetic female sexuality the likes of which she has never seen, I have to wonder how old she is. Because I have seen it before when it was called Burning Up, Open Your Heart, Express Yourself, and Justify My Love, to name a few.

Let us not forget that Gaga has been around for a few years and Madonna is going on three decades as a performer and much more than a provocateur. At age 50, and now a mother, Madonna has maintained legions of fans but, sadly, she’s never going to get the radio or tv time that a newer, younger act like Gaga is going to get. Nonetheless, there were “Madonna studies” at major universities before Gaga was even in high school. To say that any kind of ground work or even inspiration for something like a Lady Gaga in 2010 was not laid in the 80’s and 90’s by a few people, most notably The Queen of Pop, is the result of a failure to look at the history of pop culture and how Madonna affected it.

Gaga and Madonna have a lot in common, and no doubt are fans of each others work, as demonstrated by Madonna’s attendance at Gaga’s concerts and they’re skit together on SNL (even though it wasn’t that funny, it’s a show on which Madonna has appeared numerous times, and despite her flaws and lack of success as an actress, she has often demonstrated her knack for comedy, even if she does take herself a little seriously lately with the Kaballah nonsense). They’re both Italian, dubious blondes, women who challenge social norms and womanly roles, and achieved great fetes with their music videos. And though Madonna is not known for powerhouse vocals, they’re both first and foremost pop singer-songwriters at the end of the day. And they both want encourage their fans to live under the delusion that they, too, can be a fabulous superstar at the height of fame.

Anyway, Gaga, like Madonna, gets the joke. When rumors start in the press they play into it. Were Madonna and Sandra Bernhard sleeping together? Does Gaga have a penis? Neither confirmed or denied, which is great. As for their message in music video, they share something else in common -- they put a lot to digest out there. Some of it is the intentional representation of an idea. But I can't help but think, especially in the case of Gaga, she's putting some stuff out there that is just kind of wild and over the top, and when someone comes up with an explanation for it, she eats it up. It's inter-textual. Let the viewer derive a meaning when no meaning was there before they thought it up.

There’s a lot more to say about this, and I will do so but duty calls!

A lot has been going on in my life. I’ve reached new levels of poverty. I have mixed feelings about the health care reform bill. I feel insecure and have a million things to do not the least of which involves hardcore physical labor around the house. My yard looks like a scene from The Road. I haven’t been blogging much but I had to speak out for ole Madge Cicconne in these trying times. I’m going to start making videos for YouTube since I am not at all too old for that scene. Leave me comments and love me, dammit.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Lady Gaga and Beyonce in Telephone: But what does it mean?

Maybe you've heard about Lady Gaga and Beyonce's telephone video?

Listen, I love Lady Gaga. (And Beyonce for that matter, and I like that they've partnered a couple of times now.) I think she's really smart, and as a pop singer she's putting some interesting imagery out there, and not afraid of being called "weird" or even unsexy. Anyone woman who is accused of really being a man who takes that and plays into the joke is cool with me.

All that needs to be said about the Telephone video is said here and here.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Things to do:

Embrace the four noble truths and become a Buddhist.

Practice meditation, breathing, and embrace yoga as a lifestyle.

Write to create something lasting and important.

Quit smoking.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I don't know how people do it.

Do what? Just live their daily lives and manage to have all the details taken care of.

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by moving out of NYC. I can't figure out if I regret it.

There are so many bonuses here that aren't there, but so much I've traded off as well.

Here I am in front of the computer. The scrubbing bubbles foam is in the bathtub. Towels have finished in the washer. Why must it be such a huge fucking effort to get up and put them in the dryer, to get up and finish cleaning the damn bathroom?

I have a machine that washes the fucking dishes. This is the modern world. Still: takes so very much out of me.

Am I tired, weak, or just lazy?

To think I have been considering paying a business to allow me to lift heavy things and run without getting anywhere on a machine.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day: A Play in One Act

"So what are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

"Probably slitting my wrists and bleeding to death all over the snow in the front yard."

"Oh, ok. Wanna go to Boston Market beforehand?"


Saturday, February 13, 2010

Hole: Samantha

She's changed the lyrics somewhat, and added in the "you suck" part, but here is the latest Hole performance of "Samantha" from the Johnathon Ross show (UK) on February 11.

Release the CD already damn.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

How to Get the Grant

1. Make sure your budget is flawless. Have others look it over. If there is any question about what a line item is about, make it clear. Make sure you don't have any "miscellaneous" expenses, and if you do make sure that is the smallest amount. Also, in real life it never works out this way, but make sure your total income and your total expenses are an equal amount. It should go without saying that you'll have income in your budget. The grant giver wants to see where else you're securing funds. Include the grant you're applying for in your income. Put a realistic dollar amount on "in-kind" donations. All that said, don't make your budget obnoxiously detailed. "Office supplies" will do as a line item, you don't have to get into number of pencils and and paper clips.

2. Explain how you're project or program will be sustainable. Once the grant money is gone, how are you going to keep your program going?

3. Why does the community need this project/program? What have your successes been, in numbers? How many volunteers do you have? If you are just getting started, what are you projecting will get done in your first year? (How many people are you going to feed, how many visitors will you have to your clinic, etc.)

4. Don't include more than ONE point of contact, ONE phone number and ONE email address to contact you.

5. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. The instructions trump any advice here. What the grant giver is looking for is in the instructions/directions. You want to show him/her what he/she wants to see.

Add your tips in the comments.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010